Hi Santa-
It's me Julie...and I have been very good this year. Wait...why are you shaking your head no? I have been very good. Well, actually Santa I don't think the other night should count, because technically its December, and what happens in December stays in December, ya know what I mean? No, I was not aware that it's supposed to be all year long...geez, you're kind of a hard ass about this whole Naughty and Nice thing.
Ok...so maybe I wasn't very, very good...but I did give money to charity, I helped people in need, and I did flash some cleavage at that old dude this summer. It's really all about giving. So, maybe Santa since I have been so good...could you maybe, just maybe take a look at my Christmas list? And consider putting a couple of these gifts under my tree this Christmas. I don't want to be greedy...just a few things would make me happy. And I promise Santa that I will work on being a much better girl next year....and since I have you here...you don't happen to have a younger , cuter, less hairy single brother?? I mean, can't knock a girl for trying...Oh, you can. Oh...well, I didn't mean to ask anything inappropriate. Sorry...so, here is my list. Thanks Santa...and I will make sure to put out those white chocolate macadamia nut cookies you like...and a couple of 40s of Miller High Life. For the reindeer...wink, wink.
1.The disappearance of Kim Kardasian...nothing bad to happen to her, just for her to go *poof* along with Kloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Kris and whoever else..I am pretty sure I just lost brain cells because I know that many of their names.
2. Half-naked hot dude with non-hairy legs...who smells like Old Spice and likes to go to the mall and then goes away when I want to use the remote on the TV.
3. Shoes...any kind really works. And several pairs in many styles is just fine. I don't want to be pushy, but Manolo comes to mind.
4. Grease 2 poster. I have asked for this several years in a row, and alas you fail me every year. I am beginning to feel slighted. Please work on this one please.
5. First edition Poe book with the Gift of the Magi...best story ever. This request alone should earn me some serious bonus points...cuz I need all I can get for #8.
6. Red Rider BB gun...you'll shoot your eye out kid.
7. Light Saber. This needs no explanation.
8. That one thing, that we talked about before...you know THAT thing. No bow is necessary. Oh, wait... bow could be very sexy. Ooops...sorry, guess you aren't allowed to say sexy to Santa. Awkward.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays...Festivus for the Rest of Us...Happy Hanukkah
Love and eggnog,
Julie
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Black Holes and Revelations
When I started the Mr. Not So Annoying blog, it was as part of my search for a husband. I had been single for almost 5 years following my divorce from who I would classify as one of the worst husbands in the world. I stayed single for 5 years following a brief but disastrous attempt at dating. I went online for that attempt too. I waited until my divorce was final, and tried dating. That time I met Mr. Perfect Online Boyfriend and the Psycho from Tyco.
Mr. Perfect, was this really great guy who never wanted to venture from talking online. I secretly suspected he was a girl, but never really found out. The psycho from Tyco ended up being a serial dater, and had a harem of chicks he was seeing, all while trying to talk me into a relationship. I was so naive at the time...once all of that ended, I decided that I could not be trusted. Obviously, my taste in men was still terrible...and only one thing must be done. Alone time. As I have said, I stayed single for 5 years...then the kids started looking for a husband for me in the phone book, I took this as a sign they were ready for me to date. And I wanted to find a great guy that was going to be lucky enough to be in their lives...because in all this,has been the fact that my daughters haven't had a dad. Of all the things I have done in life, this is my biggest regret. I wish I had a dad for them...someone to give them the things, that I just can't. Call it the single mom chip on the shoulder...
But, what I didn't realize at the time, was that dating sucks. Bad. It's a crap shoot, and men are selfish a-holes who only think with one part of their anatomy.I thought that it would be easy to find someone to be with...but instead I spent most of my time dating feeling like a square peg in a round peg world. I don't fit. I like smart guys...I am not all that needy. I sort of have my life all together. I am not a barbie doll, but I am funny as hell. I am the best friend, I can cook...and I do crazy shit like make theme cookies and sew Halloween costumes. I love unconditionally. I make a martini to die for, and cry at commercials. I laugh constantly. I do not suck...and try to enjoy every minute of life.
My philosophy is sometimes you just have to not give a shit..and taters tots and slushies make the best dinner. But, for whatever reason, love seems to escape me. And I am tired of dating. At some point over this past weekend, I had one too many bad dates. It finally has stopped being fun. So, no fun...no more dating. I give up. I leave it in karmas hands now. I have tried to go cold turkey no dating before and it didn't work...but this time is different. It just isn't fun anymore. Therefore (that sounds so adult), the blog is going on hiatus. I may still write about my crazy, non-dating life... but for right now...I call uncle. I'm gonna go listen to Muse, now...because Adele just makes me sad.
Mr. Perfect, was this really great guy who never wanted to venture from talking online. I secretly suspected he was a girl, but never really found out. The psycho from Tyco ended up being a serial dater, and had a harem of chicks he was seeing, all while trying to talk me into a relationship. I was so naive at the time...once all of that ended, I decided that I could not be trusted. Obviously, my taste in men was still terrible...and only one thing must be done. Alone time. As I have said, I stayed single for 5 years...then the kids started looking for a husband for me in the phone book, I took this as a sign they were ready for me to date. And I wanted to find a great guy that was going to be lucky enough to be in their lives...because in all this,has been the fact that my daughters haven't had a dad. Of all the things I have done in life, this is my biggest regret. I wish I had a dad for them...someone to give them the things, that I just can't. Call it the single mom chip on the shoulder...
But, what I didn't realize at the time, was that dating sucks. Bad. It's a crap shoot, and men are selfish a-holes who only think with one part of their anatomy.I thought that it would be easy to find someone to be with...but instead I spent most of my time dating feeling like a square peg in a round peg world. I don't fit. I like smart guys...I am not all that needy. I sort of have my life all together. I am not a barbie doll, but I am funny as hell. I am the best friend, I can cook...and I do crazy shit like make theme cookies and sew Halloween costumes. I love unconditionally. I make a martini to die for, and cry at commercials. I laugh constantly. I do not suck...and try to enjoy every minute of life.
My philosophy is sometimes you just have to not give a shit..and taters tots and slushies make the best dinner. But, for whatever reason, love seems to escape me. And I am tired of dating. At some point over this past weekend, I had one too many bad dates. It finally has stopped being fun. So, no fun...no more dating. I give up. I leave it in karmas hands now. I have tried to go cold turkey no dating before and it didn't work...but this time is different. It just isn't fun anymore. Therefore (that sounds so adult), the blog is going on hiatus. I may still write about my crazy, non-dating life... but for right now...I call uncle. I'm gonna go listen to Muse, now...because Adele just makes me sad.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The First Annual Yammies
In honor of Thanksgiving, I have created the First Annual Yammies.( I love giving things a name) The Yammies do not come with little marshmallows, but instead are the things that I am thankful for in my dating world over the last year. I feel like, even though I complain and whine about how much it sucks to be single woman in an online, texting, instant messaging world...I have so much to be thankful for. But...don't let my little thankful run on sentence fool you. The Yammies ain't your mommas list of happy things...they are my list. Read on Pilgrims, and grab your paper Indian hat and canned cranberry sauce.
I am thankful for:
The fact that I haven't been roofied on a date. (Although I desperately wanted to be roofied on my date with the short bald guy. 'Cuz something needed to be done to spice that one up. )
Awkward kissers. Because an awkward kiss just reaffirms in your mind what you already believed...this guy is going to suck at anything other than paying the bar tab. And by suck, I mean suck.
The FAA. You know why I am thankful for the FAA, because I have dated Four pilots this year, and there is something seriously sexy about a man who can fly a plane. I'm not sure that the FAA has anything to do with it...but I needed to thank someone for this. Of course, not one of them actually took me up in a plane...but there is hope for 2012.
Emotionally Unavailable Men...WTF??? Yes, I am thankful for the emotionally unavailable man. Without the EUM, I would probably be in some silly relationship, getting flowers...and back rubs...maybe even a date that doesn't include a fried cheese product. I mean come on, who the hell wants those things...I love a good friend cheese ball. And frankly flowers make me sneeze...but I can take up the entire bed, not worry about morning breath...and do whatever I want, when I want it. Actually not a bad deal.
The fact that when the last guy I "dated" sent me the text message "had a small emotional breakdown and was hospitalized for a bit", he didn't include a pre or post hospitalization visit to my bedroom window.
Spokeo/Google/Yahoo/Megans's Law/FBI's Most Wanted List. Doesn't matter what phone number, username or email address a guy uses...I can find them on spokeo or Google or Yahoo, not to be a stalker or weird (I swear!!!)...but to make sure that the guy is legit and not secretly a serial killer or pedophile or a tranny thong wearing peeping tom felon. (thank you law enforcement databases)
My psychotherapist, whom I neglected to thank in the first draft...but because he is an annoying ass, reminded me that he deserves at least as many words as the Fireman, even though I never wanted to lick his biceps. So, in order of importance, he comes before the Fireman. But, after the tranny. Seriously, however...no, this isn't going to be serious..I thought about it..but really just wanted to say seriously. I heart my psychotherapist...and not in a weird sister cousin way either. Too bad he doesn't have a single brother...or even a single uncle...or any single friends. What's up with that? How do you not have single friends? You are no good to me. Jeez...you would think that being an amputee, bowler from South Carolina...you would at least having some bowling buddies from the circuit, or from your time in the Salvation Army. (yes, that is an evil laugh you hear)
The fireman. He didn't' really do anything other than send me some really nice pics of himself in the gym. That's enough to qualify for thankfulness. Thank you, thank you Mr. Fireman.
Spanx, the push up bra, lip gloss, concealer, dark lighting and hooker heels. Do I need to explain this one? I <3 underwire.
That night in Bangkok. Oops, wasn't going to talk about that one.
Friends...the blog readers (with a special shout out to my peeps in russia!!! I am HUGE internationally), facebook friends, friends of facebook friends, super heroes,psychotherapists and that small group of loyal girls who are on text message psycho duty when I go out on a date. I appreciate the support you have given as I ventured into this dating scene. I couldn't do it without you...well, I could. But, I may have ended up roofied or worse...in a relationship with a toothless 50 year old biker...eating bologna sandwiches and canned cheese for Thanksgiving dinner. And who knows what the future holds.
Happy Thanksgiving...thanks for reading my Yammies. Gobble, Gobble...(turkey mating call, thought it would be kind of sexy)
I am thankful for:
The fact that I haven't been roofied on a date. (Although I desperately wanted to be roofied on my date with the short bald guy. 'Cuz something needed to be done to spice that one up. )
Awkward kissers. Because an awkward kiss just reaffirms in your mind what you already believed...this guy is going to suck at anything other than paying the bar tab. And by suck, I mean suck.
The FAA. You know why I am thankful for the FAA, because I have dated Four pilots this year, and there is something seriously sexy about a man who can fly a plane. I'm not sure that the FAA has anything to do with it...but I needed to thank someone for this. Of course, not one of them actually took me up in a plane...but there is hope for 2012.
Emotionally Unavailable Men...WTF??? Yes, I am thankful for the emotionally unavailable man. Without the EUM, I would probably be in some silly relationship, getting flowers...and back rubs...maybe even a date that doesn't include a fried cheese product. I mean come on, who the hell wants those things...I love a good friend cheese ball. And frankly flowers make me sneeze...but I can take up the entire bed, not worry about morning breath...and do whatever I want, when I want it. Actually not a bad deal.
The fact that when the last guy I "dated" sent me the text message "had a small emotional breakdown and was hospitalized for a bit", he didn't include a pre or post hospitalization visit to my bedroom window.
Spokeo/Google/Yahoo/Megans's Law/FBI's Most Wanted List. Doesn't matter what phone number, username or email address a guy uses...I can find them on spokeo or Google or Yahoo, not to be a stalker or weird (I swear!!!)...but to make sure that the guy is legit and not secretly a serial killer or pedophile or a tranny thong wearing peeping tom felon. (thank you law enforcement databases)
My psychotherapist, whom I neglected to thank in the first draft...but because he is an annoying ass, reminded me that he deserves at least as many words as the Fireman, even though I never wanted to lick his biceps. So, in order of importance, he comes before the Fireman. But, after the tranny. Seriously, however...no, this isn't going to be serious..I thought about it..but really just wanted to say seriously. I heart my psychotherapist...and not in a weird sister cousin way either. Too bad he doesn't have a single brother...or even a single uncle...or any single friends. What's up with that? How do you not have single friends? You are no good to me. Jeez...you would think that being an amputee, bowler from South Carolina...you would at least having some bowling buddies from the circuit, or from your time in the Salvation Army. (yes, that is an evil laugh you hear)
The fireman. He didn't' really do anything other than send me some really nice pics of himself in the gym. That's enough to qualify for thankfulness. Thank you, thank you Mr. Fireman.
Spanx, the push up bra, lip gloss, concealer, dark lighting and hooker heels. Do I need to explain this one? I <3 underwire.
That night in Bangkok. Oops, wasn't going to talk about that one.
Friends...the blog readers (with a special shout out to my peeps in russia!!! I am HUGE internationally), facebook friends, friends of facebook friends, super heroes,psychotherapists and that small group of loyal girls who are on text message psycho duty when I go out on a date. I appreciate the support you have given as I ventured into this dating scene. I couldn't do it without you...well, I could. But, I may have ended up roofied or worse...in a relationship with a toothless 50 year old biker...eating bologna sandwiches and canned cheese for Thanksgiving dinner. And who knows what the future holds.
Happy Thanksgiving...thanks for reading my Yammies. Gobble, Gobble...(turkey mating call, thought it would be kind of sexy)
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Do Men Like Hello Kitty Underwear?
I have a secret. It's not anything as exciting as a love child, or a third nipple...but still a secret. So, I am not as confident as I try to portray myself. I am actually pretty insecure. My psychotherapist recently called me on it, by telling me to get some real confidence instead of the cloak of confidence I pretend to wear. He was right...but confidence isn't something you pick up as Wal-Mart along with tampons and Gatorade. In my mind, I was thinking "how the hell do I get confidence?"
For whatever reason, a perfect storm of events have occurred this weekend that made me realize that maybe I do have more confidence that I give myself credit for. Which sounds kind of funky...and grammatically incorrect, but makes sense to me.
My ex-husband was in town...seeing the kids for the first time in almost 3 years. I was prepared to be angry and upset by his visit(his very presence reminding me of my bad choices)...but what ended up happening was that he didn't bother me at all. I saw him for what he really was, a sad, shell of a boy...who has no control or power over me anymore. I didn't expect that...to see him as a nothing. But, it was a nice surprise...
The second thing that happened was this date I had Friday...it was with a nice, normal guy...smart, funny...cute. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't freaked out...I didn't feel the need to text him constantly looking for an affirmation of feelings. It was almost like I graduated into emotional adulthood. Let's celebrate with cake!!!
The combination of those two events...in addition to a small bump on my head I sustained during a 9 am tailgating session on Saturday helped give me, what I am pretty sure is a new outlook. Call it an epiphany, call it the hangover talking, call it the aftermath of my Kardashian's obsession going to hell...whatever. But, it's definitely a change.
It's not going to be business as usual. Part of my new confidence is the realization that I have been dating a whole host of frightened little boys who don't deserve to be in my orbit, much less my life. Not only do I deserve someone who isn't a sad, shell of a boy...but my daughters deserve more. I have been playing with boys. I deserve a man.
Real men don't play emotional games, real men know what they want and go after it, real men have conversations that don't include the word album and righteous. Real men don't email pictures of themselves flexing in the mirror...real men don't sleep in bunny slippers, real men want a real woman, and aren't afraid of a little reality in their lives.
I guess we will see how I handle the new outlook, but I am excited about the prospect(maybe I should buy new underwear...I feel like I need man approved underwear...Hello Kitty isn't going to cut it)I feel good, and I feel in control for the first time in a long time. Maybe, just maybe...a real man is out there.
Here are some great examples of some boys and their profiles...and a few messages I got this week. Enjoy...
I'm really open to anything on the first date as long as we end up having sex at some point.
While you look for Mr. Right, let me be your Mr. Right Now.
wanted to call u but I cant find your number
Me: hey...what are you doing?
Him: i am out
Me: Oh, ok.
Him. Whats up?
Me: nothing just wondering
Him:You got plans and want to make sure I don't catch you with some guy?
(seriously wtf?)
come see me now
Send me a picture of your legs.
For whatever reason, a perfect storm of events have occurred this weekend that made me realize that maybe I do have more confidence that I give myself credit for. Which sounds kind of funky...and grammatically incorrect, but makes sense to me.
My ex-husband was in town...seeing the kids for the first time in almost 3 years. I was prepared to be angry and upset by his visit(his very presence reminding me of my bad choices)...but what ended up happening was that he didn't bother me at all. I saw him for what he really was, a sad, shell of a boy...who has no control or power over me anymore. I didn't expect that...to see him as a nothing. But, it was a nice surprise...
The second thing that happened was this date I had Friday...it was with a nice, normal guy...smart, funny...cute. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't freaked out...I didn't feel the need to text him constantly looking for an affirmation of feelings. It was almost like I graduated into emotional adulthood. Let's celebrate with cake!!!
The combination of those two events...in addition to a small bump on my head I sustained during a 9 am tailgating session on Saturday helped give me, what I am pretty sure is a new outlook. Call it an epiphany, call it the hangover talking, call it the aftermath of my Kardashian's obsession going to hell...whatever. But, it's definitely a change.
It's not going to be business as usual. Part of my new confidence is the realization that I have been dating a whole host of frightened little boys who don't deserve to be in my orbit, much less my life. Not only do I deserve someone who isn't a sad, shell of a boy...but my daughters deserve more. I have been playing with boys. I deserve a man.
Real men don't play emotional games, real men know what they want and go after it, real men have conversations that don't include the word album and righteous. Real men don't email pictures of themselves flexing in the mirror...real men don't sleep in bunny slippers, real men want a real woman, and aren't afraid of a little reality in their lives.
I guess we will see how I handle the new outlook, but I am excited about the prospect(maybe I should buy new underwear...I feel like I need man approved underwear...Hello Kitty isn't going to cut it)I feel good, and I feel in control for the first time in a long time. Maybe, just maybe...a real man is out there.
Here are some great examples of some boys and their profiles...and a few messages I got this week. Enjoy...
I'm really open to anything on the first date as long as we end up having sex at some point.
While you look for Mr. Right, let me be your Mr. Right Now.
wanted to call u but I cant find your number
Me: hey...what are you doing?
Him: i am out
Me: Oh, ok.
Him. Whats up?
Me: nothing just wondering
Him:You got plans and want to make sure I don't catch you with some guy?
(seriously wtf?)
come see me now
Send me a picture of your legs.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Just say No to the Bloody Axe
Fear is a funny emotion. It can make you run screaming from a tall dude in a freaky mask who is standing in your kitchen with a bloody axe...or it can send you screaming into the arms of someone who is all wrong for you...because being with wrong is better than alone. I don't know about either one of those scenarios...but I generally try to avoid bloody axes.
Fear in dating and relationships isn't like running into a axe murderer...the ultimate worst that can happen is that you will get emotionally hurt. Yeah, it sucks...bad...but you still have all of your arms and legs and no one is standing in your bathroom with a knife. If they are...can we talk restraining order?
So then why do we spend so much time entrenched in fear? Why are we scared to get hurt? Why are we scared to be alone? No one loses a head. No one bleeds to death. No one gets haunted by old dudes we ran over with our car while drinking with the cast of any CW prime time show. None of that happens. So...I for one am going to spend less time in fear...it's just not worth it. Life is too short...why be afraid...unless of course blood starts coming out of your shower head...that is a reason to be afraid...scary. That always freaked me out...
In the spirit of my favorite holiday...I give you some scary things men have said lately.
Life for me is pretty much work, football, sleep. Rinse and repeat.
I enjoy my line of work knowing that I put smiles on my clients faces
Don't message me if you suck. I'm awesome and I'm looking for an equally, if not more, awesome mate.
Yea, there is enough room in your closet for my clothes.
if you got your head up your ass, & think your sh*tdon't stink, don't bother message me, i love real people!!!
I like me some spicy food and music that makes my butt shake !
I am complex and so are you. Message me or reply and we'll make nice with each other. The world is ours.
tierd of those who pretend to be who they are not....so lets see...about me.....thats easy...lol...Somtimes i wanna KillSomtimes i wanna DieSomtimes i wanna Destroy
I am looking for a woman that wants a discreet, regular FWB situation but it could also be a short term arrangement
Reformed bad boy now appreciates the simple things in life: sunsets, kittens, smooches
Fear in dating and relationships isn't like running into a axe murderer...the ultimate worst that can happen is that you will get emotionally hurt. Yeah, it sucks...bad...but you still have all of your arms and legs and no one is standing in your bathroom with a knife. If they are...can we talk restraining order?
So then why do we spend so much time entrenched in fear? Why are we scared to get hurt? Why are we scared to be alone? No one loses a head. No one bleeds to death. No one gets haunted by old dudes we ran over with our car while drinking with the cast of any CW prime time show. None of that happens. So...I for one am going to spend less time in fear...it's just not worth it. Life is too short...why be afraid...unless of course blood starts coming out of your shower head...that is a reason to be afraid...scary. That always freaked me out...
In the spirit of my favorite holiday...I give you some scary things men have said lately.
Life for me is pretty much work, football, sleep. Rinse and repeat.
I enjoy my line of work knowing that I put smiles on my clients faces
Don't message me if you suck. I'm awesome and I'm looking for an equally, if not more, awesome mate.
Yea, there is enough room in your closet for my clothes.
if you got your head up your ass, & think your sh*tdon't stink, don't bother message me, i love real people!!!
I like me some spicy food and music that makes my butt shake !
I am complex and so are you. Message me or reply and we'll make nice with each other. The world is ours.
tierd of those who pretend to be who they are not....so lets see...about me.....thats easy...lol...Somtimes i wanna KillSomtimes i wanna DieSomtimes i wanna Destroy
I am looking for a woman that wants a discreet, regular FWB situation but it could also be a short term arrangement
Reformed bad boy now appreciates the simple things in life: sunsets, kittens, smooches
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Not Even, If You Were the Last Woman on Earth
Put me in a room with 10 guys from all walks of life, all fairly similar in looks (boyishly cute with nice eyes) and all wearing Polo Sport, or maybe Drakkar (my favorite boy smells)...Wait, did you think I was going somewhere with this? I just want someone to put me in a room with 10 guys.
End of post. Good night.
Ok...fine...I have a point. Focus Julie...focus. Put me in the room with 10 guys, and I can guarantee that I will find the emotionally unavailable ones, and immediately fall for them. I am an emotionally unavailable man magnet. Or what I like to call an EMM. If the world is wiped out and I am the last woman on earth...the last man on earth will probably be emotionally unavailable. "Yeah, I would really like to continue the human race with you Julie, but I'm just in a different place right now...maybe we could just be friends...you're great though."
My psychotherapist says that emotionally available men are either married, gay or stalkers. We've turned this into the following EMM test...to be used during dates, random pickups at Lowe's and the occasional emergency evacuation at work. If the man has nicer clothes than I do, he is gay. If the man's clothes are clean and neatly pressed, he is married. If he is wearing no clothes...yes, you guessed it Stalker!!!
I met a fireman online at POF(plenty of fish). And pun intended, the fireman is SMOKING HOT. He sent me a gym picture...and my, oh my...were his guns blazing. He has a giant tribal tattoo on his arm...which makes me all tribal thinking about it. I love a man in uniform, and put him in front of a firetruck...hose me down. Seriously, hose me down. Please. Anyway...he's not the most talkative guy, or that great with technology. But, that's ok...he's really, really nice to look at. Occasionally he sends me a random text that says "want to see you". It's caveman like...and I am ok with that.
We actually haven't met in person, but have exchanged emails, texts and a couple of glorious photos. His pics...and yes, he has seen me. And thinks I am hot...well, so he says. Again, I am ok with this. So, the other night when I get a request from his gmail address to chat via my yahoo account...I didn't think much about it. But, then the following email exchange occurred. Let's see if you can guess where this is going...or went.
Me: Hey ****...this is my gmail account if you want to chat sometime. Hope you had a good weekend. :) Julie
Him: i cant remember how we met. can you refresh my memory? when was the last time we saw each other?
Me:It's Julie from Pof...you sent a chat request to my yahoo account...so thought I would forward my gmail. Everything ok?
Him: what is pof?
Me: Ok, maybe there is a misunderstanding...
Him: you didn't tell me, when did we last see each other?
So...my take on the conversation, albeit very short conversation, was that the person on the other end was not the fireman. My best guess is probably a wife or girlfriend...which makes sense because I am an EMM. I haven't had any other contact with the fireman or his wife...but I am hoping this still works out(think crazy ex, hacking into his email account because she can't let go of him and his tribal tattoo), because there are about 15 women at work who are living vicariously through me on this one. And don't want to let them down...really, it's all for them.
End of post. Good night.
Ok...fine...I have a point. Focus Julie...focus. Put me in the room with 10 guys, and I can guarantee that I will find the emotionally unavailable ones, and immediately fall for them. I am an emotionally unavailable man magnet. Or what I like to call an EMM. If the world is wiped out and I am the last woman on earth...the last man on earth will probably be emotionally unavailable. "Yeah, I would really like to continue the human race with you Julie, but I'm just in a different place right now...maybe we could just be friends...you're great though."
My psychotherapist says that emotionally available men are either married, gay or stalkers. We've turned this into the following EMM test...to be used during dates, random pickups at Lowe's and the occasional emergency evacuation at work. If the man has nicer clothes than I do, he is gay. If the man's clothes are clean and neatly pressed, he is married. If he is wearing no clothes...yes, you guessed it Stalker!!!
I met a fireman online at POF(plenty of fish). And pun intended, the fireman is SMOKING HOT. He sent me a gym picture...and my, oh my...were his guns blazing. He has a giant tribal tattoo on his arm...which makes me all tribal thinking about it. I love a man in uniform, and put him in front of a firetruck...hose me down. Seriously, hose me down. Please. Anyway...he's not the most talkative guy, or that great with technology. But, that's ok...he's really, really nice to look at. Occasionally he sends me a random text that says "want to see you". It's caveman like...and I am ok with that.
We actually haven't met in person, but have exchanged emails, texts and a couple of glorious photos. His pics...and yes, he has seen me. And thinks I am hot...well, so he says. Again, I am ok with this. So, the other night when I get a request from his gmail address to chat via my yahoo account...I didn't think much about it. But, then the following email exchange occurred. Let's see if you can guess where this is going...or went.
Me: Hey ****...this is my gmail account if you want to chat sometime. Hope you had a good weekend. :) Julie
Him: i cant remember how we met. can you refresh my memory? when was the last time we saw each other?
Me:It's Julie from Pof...you sent a chat request to my yahoo account...so thought I would forward my gmail. Everything ok?
Him: what is pof?
Me: Ok, maybe there is a misunderstanding...
Him: you didn't tell me, when did we last see each other?
So...my take on the conversation, albeit very short conversation, was that the person on the other end was not the fireman. My best guess is probably a wife or girlfriend...which makes sense because I am an EMM. I haven't had any other contact with the fireman or his wife...but I am hoping this still works out(think crazy ex, hacking into his email account because she can't let go of him and his tribal tattoo), because there are about 15 women at work who are living vicariously through me on this one. And don't want to let them down...really, it's all for them.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
100% Real Romper Room Fun
My love life is insane right now...and it's not really so much a love life as it is like the Romper Room of dating. You know how on Romper Room she used to hold up that mirror and say all the names...well, it's kind of like that. I'm currently talking to/and or going out with 9 guys. Yeah, yeah...I know...9 is a little excessive...and you would be right. Especially since I can only remember all of their names after having two beers...but forget them all if I have three...and I can't really remember what any of them look like. I need that damn mirror. In my mind they all sort of swirl together...brown hair, brown eyes...yada,yada, yada...I got nothing.
I'm even starting to get doubles on names...so I am just assigning them a number. Wow...I sound like a bitch. A smart man once told me that the longer I spent online dating the more that I would lose my soul...that was slightly paraphrased...but sentiment is still the same. This online thing is turning me into a dating robot, cynical and jaded...and devoid (oh, yeah...I used it) of any emotions. It all so formulaic and boring. I tell the same stories, ask the same questions, make the same jokes...yawn. When I do actually run into a guy that doesn't use "how r u?" as a pick up line...I immediately assume he is looking to get laid.(see previous post on pants)
Of the nice guys I am currently talking to...I like one. We have hung out twice...like him and he seems like an actual real person.Would sleep with another one, who is not necessarily the one that I like, but then again...now that I think about it...and have 3 dates this week...of which I will probably only go through with one. Oh, wait...make that 4.
What's the point really? To not be lonely? To fulfill my narcissistic needs? I thought it was to find love...but I'm not even sure anymore. Again, a smart man told me not to settle just because I am lonely...of course he told me this in the middle of breaking my heart(lord, I am so dramatic)...which is not sexy, mysterious or even healthy for me to admit...and also makes him not really that smart...but I am saving that story for the made for TV movie starring Justine Bateman. Here is an excerpt of an instant message from a guy earlier this evening...
Him: Hope u had a great day
Me: I did...thanks. How about you?
Him:Not bad
Me: Do anything fun?
Him: If laying in bed nude and watching football is fun.
Ok..so really??? This is where this guy goes after chatting for 5 minutes? Based on this conversation and the endless other conversations I have been having both online and in person I have come up with the following statistics. Now, granted this is Plenty of Fish...which my psychotherapist calls "kind of like Baltic Avenue...low rent and east to get to". So quality isn't high..
1 out of 3 guys will ask for naked pictures within 5 minutes of chatting.
4 out of 5 guys will reference their anatomy within 3 minutes of chatting.
3 out of 5 guys project their self esteems issues through verbal questions. (ie. "I'm a chubby guy is that ok?" or "I am bald, is that ok?") Fyi...quotes are direct and real life.
2 out of 25 will actually make me laugh.
9 out of 10 will wear weird shoes.
1% will make me sing an Adele song in the car.
1 out of 4 can use "their" correctly in a sentence.
2 out of 25 will make me think.
99% are emotionally unavailable, the remaining 1% are secretly gay.
1 out of 10 have a secret significant other.
5 out of 7 think I am "hot".
7 out of 11 look better in their profile picture than in real life.
Approximately 75% have a "move" that is guaranteed to make me want them.
Approximately 10% are successful with said move.
Gotta love it! I will keep you posted how things go this week.
I'm even starting to get doubles on names...so I am just assigning them a number. Wow...I sound like a bitch. A smart man once told me that the longer I spent online dating the more that I would lose my soul...that was slightly paraphrased...but sentiment is still the same. This online thing is turning me into a dating robot, cynical and jaded...and devoid (oh, yeah...I used it) of any emotions. It all so formulaic and boring. I tell the same stories, ask the same questions, make the same jokes...yawn. When I do actually run into a guy that doesn't use "how r u?" as a pick up line...I immediately assume he is looking to get laid.(see previous post on pants)
Of the nice guys I am currently talking to...I like one. We have hung out twice...like him and he seems like an actual real person.Would sleep with another one, who is not necessarily the one that I like, but then again...now that I think about it...and have 3 dates this week...of which I will probably only go through with one. Oh, wait...make that 4.
What's the point really? To not be lonely? To fulfill my narcissistic needs? I thought it was to find love...but I'm not even sure anymore. Again, a smart man told me not to settle just because I am lonely...of course he told me this in the middle of breaking my heart(lord, I am so dramatic)...which is not sexy, mysterious or even healthy for me to admit...and also makes him not really that smart...but I am saving that story for the made for TV movie starring Justine Bateman. Here is an excerpt of an instant message from a guy earlier this evening...
Him: Hope u had a great day
Me: I did...thanks. How about you?
Him:Not bad
Me: Do anything fun?
Him: If laying in bed nude and watching football is fun.
Ok..so really??? This is where this guy goes after chatting for 5 minutes? Based on this conversation and the endless other conversations I have been having both online and in person I have come up with the following statistics. Now, granted this is Plenty of Fish...which my psychotherapist calls "kind of like Baltic Avenue...low rent and east to get to". So quality isn't high..
1 out of 3 guys will ask for naked pictures within 5 minutes of chatting.
4 out of 5 guys will reference their anatomy within 3 minutes of chatting.
3 out of 5 guys project their self esteems issues through verbal questions. (ie. "I'm a chubby guy is that ok?" or "I am bald, is that ok?") Fyi...quotes are direct and real life.
2 out of 25 will actually make me laugh.
9 out of 10 will wear weird shoes.
1% will make me sing an Adele song in the car.
1 out of 4 can use "their" correctly in a sentence.
2 out of 25 will make me think.
99% are emotionally unavailable, the remaining 1% are secretly gay.
1 out of 10 have a secret significant other.
5 out of 7 think I am "hot".
7 out of 11 look better in their profile picture than in real life.
Approximately 75% have a "move" that is guaranteed to make me want them.
Approximately 10% are successful with said move.
Gotta love it! I will keep you posted how things go this week.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Don't Be A Hater
I hate to be full of myself...at least anymore than usual...but, I have men crawling all over me right now. Not literally...although that could be a good time. I mean...I am getting some much deserved attention from the male species. It's amazing what happens when you lower your standards beyond the simple pre-requisites of good hygiene and some cash.
I mean, completely disregarding how any of these guys spell their own names, their favorite football team and the word cat in an email is easy...and I would like to reiterate, I mean how often am I actually going to have to communicate with any of them? So, no problem lowering my standards, right? I've not quite hit rock bottom...I still want them to have a pulse, and be able to breathe on their own.
But, I'm emailing a couple of guys right now, texting a few guys, instant message alot with this one guy and I have a date this weekend...not to mention the 5 or 6 construction workers who wave at me every morning as I drive by. I am on fire!!!!!! And its fun...oodles and oodles of fun.
I'm looking forward to the date...and am cautiously optimistic that this one doesn't turn out to be a douchebag. But, just in case he does....I have several backup options...including the greeter at wal-mart who told me yesterday when I stopped by that I "was the bomb". At least I think he said "the bomb" and not a "blob". My hearing isn't quite what it used to be.
Just in case, you are so jealous of my awesome dating life...here are some examples of recent emails and profiles. Enjoy..and don't hate me too much.
hello there gorgeous,
i would love to have to opportunity to chat with u sometime. i do travel a lot for work, but i am currently looking to meet someone new for dinner,adventure, and dating. how could i get a chance to chat with u. i truly hope to hear from u soon. i wish u the best of day, and be well
I like to eat Krabby Patties and drink Kelp Shakes. My goal is to work Squidward and Spongebob to death and make lots of money. I also want to squish Plankton.
hello i can h at home or at a hot tel will tr meet you right. i luv giving and geting space . can go ca. lets talk on the phone . so we both know what we like.wo w four mor e . sentances are needed.
lets have some fun. i need to find a fun woman. ask me and I will tell u a bout me. lets talk and have fun.lets party sometime!i like to hang out @ home with the rite womanbut
Currently looking for a pen pal, I am in a federal prison in Arizona
Hi LADIES :) I am currently incarcerated and looking for some lady friends :) Maybe we can write for now and then who knows
I mean, completely disregarding how any of these guys spell their own names, their favorite football team and the word cat in an email is easy...and I would like to reiterate, I mean how often am I actually going to have to communicate with any of them? So, no problem lowering my standards, right? I've not quite hit rock bottom...I still want them to have a pulse, and be able to breathe on their own.
But, I'm emailing a couple of guys right now, texting a few guys, instant message alot with this one guy and I have a date this weekend...not to mention the 5 or 6 construction workers who wave at me every morning as I drive by. I am on fire!!!!!! And its fun...oodles and oodles of fun.
I'm looking forward to the date...and am cautiously optimistic that this one doesn't turn out to be a douchebag. But, just in case he does....I have several backup options...including the greeter at wal-mart who told me yesterday when I stopped by that I "was the bomb". At least I think he said "the bomb" and not a "blob". My hearing isn't quite what it used to be.
Just in case, you are so jealous of my awesome dating life...here are some examples of recent emails and profiles. Enjoy..and don't hate me too much.
hello there gorgeous,
i would love to have to opportunity to chat with u sometime. i do travel a lot for work, but i am currently looking to meet someone new for dinner,adventure, and dating. how could i get a chance to chat with u. i truly hope to hear from u soon. i wish u the best of day, and be well
I like to eat Krabby Patties and drink Kelp Shakes. My goal is to work Squidward and Spongebob to death and make lots of money. I also want to squish Plankton.
hello i can h at home or at a hot tel will tr meet you right. i luv giving and geting space . can go ca. lets talk on the phone . so we both know what we like.wo w four mor e . sentances are needed.
lets have some fun. i need to find a fun woman. ask me and I will tell u a bout me. lets talk and have fun.lets party sometime!i like to hang out @ home with the rite womanbut
Currently looking for a pen pal, I am in a federal prison in Arizona
Hi LADIES :) I am currently incarcerated and looking for some lady friends :) Maybe we can write for now and then who knows
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
It's all about the Pants!!!
As I spend more time on the dating sites, I have noticed some common themes in the male profiles. I read about what they are looking for, who they are...but what I need to do is look past what they are typing and get to the heart of what they are really trying to say.
So, I have created the following online dating translator...now before I launch into what it all means...let me first provide my credentials for creating the translator.
I have been online dating for almost 18 months, and have successfully engaged in over a hundred email conversations, give or take a hundred and with more than one person...I am currently not in a relationship, however I expect that sometime in 2013 I may or may not be. Almost 100% of my dates acknowledge my presence at least 25% of the time, and I have been described as both amazing and a mad genius. I have utilized e-harmony, match.com, plentyoffish, chemistry, evow, zoosk and okcupid to patrol for "material" for this blog...and as a result can spot any new daters in the age range of 33-45 in a 30 mile radius of Palmyra.
Let's translate...shall we?
If the profile, or the dater says:
I'm an entrepreneur...it really means they are either unemployed or work at Burger King.
Looking to be friends first....means they just want to get in your pants.
Looking for a nice girl...again, means that they just want to get in your pants. But, they don't want anyone else in your pants either.
I am a simple guy...means I don't like to work too hard to get in your pants, and really just want someone to bring me wings and beer.
I like to have fun...I am going to want to get into your pants in a public place.
I'm honest and trustworthy...I get into alot of girls pants...but pretend like I haven't had pants in a while.
Ready to take it slow...I am not looking to get into your pants, but I want to chat about getting into them.
I have many interests...I am not picky about color or size of the pants.
One of the few good guys left...I will wait until the second, maybe third date before trying to get into your pants...and by date, I mean coffee.
So...it's must my translator, purely subjective...but, you know my credentials...and odds are I am right.
So, I have created the following online dating translator...now before I launch into what it all means...let me first provide my credentials for creating the translator.
I have been online dating for almost 18 months, and have successfully engaged in over a hundred email conversations, give or take a hundred and with more than one person...I am currently not in a relationship, however I expect that sometime in 2013 I may or may not be. Almost 100% of my dates acknowledge my presence at least 25% of the time, and I have been described as both amazing and a mad genius. I have utilized e-harmony, match.com, plentyoffish, chemistry, evow, zoosk and okcupid to patrol for "material" for this blog...and as a result can spot any new daters in the age range of 33-45 in a 30 mile radius of Palmyra.
Let's translate...shall we?
If the profile, or the dater says:
I'm an entrepreneur...it really means they are either unemployed or work at Burger King.
Looking to be friends first....means they just want to get in your pants.
Looking for a nice girl...again, means that they just want to get in your pants. But, they don't want anyone else in your pants either.
I am a simple guy...means I don't like to work too hard to get in your pants, and really just want someone to bring me wings and beer.
I like to have fun...I am going to want to get into your pants in a public place.
I'm honest and trustworthy...I get into alot of girls pants...but pretend like I haven't had pants in a while.
Ready to take it slow...I am not looking to get into your pants, but I want to chat about getting into them.
I have many interests...I am not picky about color or size of the pants.
One of the few good guys left...I will wait until the second, maybe third date before trying to get into your pants...and by date, I mean coffee.
So...it's must my translator, purely subjective...but, you know my credentials...and odds are I am right.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's the End of the World As We Know It
So, yes...we had a earthquake. Hurricane expected to hit this weekend, and last night I watched the movie 2012. While this particular "end of the world" movie was certainly no Armageddon, or even that other one with Pierce Brosnan and the lava...all combined it made me think a little bit about my own mortality.
I tend to be a life is too short kind of person...I mean my shoe collection is based on that very principal. But, all of this gloom and doom can take it's toll on a girl. I decided that maybe I just need to settle for the first guy who is up for the challenge of spending time with me when I am not wearing makeup. I mean, who cares if he smells...that can be fixed. Who cares if he annoys me? I can drink more wine. Who cares if he can't spell the name of the town where he lives...everyone has a weakness. What really is so wrong with settling? I know I deserve the best...but if the world is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe I just need someone who breathes regularly and isn't a pedophile. It's not exactly the best....or even good, but it's something, right?
I may try this settling thing out...just to see how it goes. I have pulled together some potentials below...let me know what you think?
I am looking for an Easy A. You don't play mind games and don't have to work that hard. I am supposed to write about four sentences here but I just want to look at you. I have a background in photography, commercial art and architecture. I need someone that likes
what I like right away.
I am currently employed by the federal government that has me traveling constantly. So it makes it tough to meet ladies without getting in trouble in new unfamiliar areas
Always respect the pimp hand and remember pimpin' ain't easy!
just a santa claus looking for my ms claus so it will be christmas all year long.i love to dress up as santa every year for the resident .
I tend to be a life is too short kind of person...I mean my shoe collection is based on that very principal. But, all of this gloom and doom can take it's toll on a girl. I decided that maybe I just need to settle for the first guy who is up for the challenge of spending time with me when I am not wearing makeup. I mean, who cares if he smells...that can be fixed. Who cares if he annoys me? I can drink more wine. Who cares if he can't spell the name of the town where he lives...everyone has a weakness. What really is so wrong with settling? I know I deserve the best...but if the world is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe I just need someone who breathes regularly and isn't a pedophile. It's not exactly the best....or even good, but it's something, right?
I may try this settling thing out...just to see how it goes. I have pulled together some potentials below...let me know what you think?
I am looking for an Easy A. You don't play mind games and don't have to work that hard. I am supposed to write about four sentences here but I just want to look at you. I have a background in photography, commercial art and architecture. I need someone that likes
what I like right away.
I am currently employed by the federal government that has me traveling constantly. So it makes it tough to meet ladies without getting in trouble in new unfamiliar areas
Always respect the pimp hand and remember pimpin' ain't easy!
just a santa claus looking for my ms claus so it will be christmas all year long.i love to dress up as santa every year for the resident .
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Reindeer Games
Bet ur fun...this is the note I got from a guy online yesterday. While he may have already heard that yes, I am fun ( I mean I do have that billboard on Hwy 81)...this as a pick up line is about as effective as Congress.
So, I decided to play Reindeer games, just to see what kind of fun this guy was looking for online. Definition of Reindeer games: engaging in chatting, email or texting with the intent of flirting, with potential for sexual overtones. This is my definition...and before anyone gets the wrong idea...I wasn't going to actually get involved in full contact Reindeer games...I just wanted to see where it would go. Call this an experiment. So, I said: "As a matter of fact, I am fun." To which he responded..."mmmm...sounds good .I like fun. " EW!!!! I feel the need wash from head to toe, just from that note. I mean it's not that bad, but still gross. I just placed an order for a case of hand sanitizer...but is it still called "hand sanitizer" if you don't use it on your hands? Just a thought?
It's interesting because I also got an email from another guy this week telling me that if I was interested in FWB (friends with benefits), that I should give him a shout. First problem with his email was, well...all of the words. Second, no picture. I mean really? Come on, if you are soliciting women for FWB...you need to sell the goods. Not to mention the fact that apparently he was negotiable on the "friends" part.
Don't get me wrong...I don't meet only losers online. I actually have had several really positive experiences...that never make it to the blog. I don't like to write about the ones I actually might want to be friends with...only the creeps.
For instance...my texting while driving psychotherapist, I met online on Match. He earns this name for some obvious reasons...and for being able to sum up my personality and all it's quirks pretty thoroughly. Believe it or not...he used to give me topics for emails conversations such as "Kermit the Frog: Was his decision to leave Sesame Street voluntary or Involuntary". Funny, funny stuff...we are friends now. He just happens to be emotionally unavailable with a complex subplot. That's ok...because now I have a smart ass friend who offers to bust up my bad dates and occasionally makes me laugh so hard I wet myself like a kool-aid drinking 2 year old. And I amuse him...sort of like a squeekie toy.
I do seem to have a knack for finding complex guys, similar to Vicki Vale and Batman's relationship...but that is a blog for another time.
Profiles of the week:
Warning: Some are R rated.
big flirt I love to kiss and touch lol couple of drinks and dinner then go from there .
If you are honest and fun and like to flirt lets meet , someone is funny sexy big chest lol well any size is fine , I like to laught and have fun in alot of ways . I hate to type I am better in person, so lets ]just get together and meet then go from there , what else do i need to say i am cute
Ball and chain removed, seeking new one
If your boobs have come untucked,
If you're making a face like a duck,
If you own a pair of skinny jeans,
Then I think you're out of luck
hi ever1 well lets start off what i do for fun i love to jump on my bike and take i road i never took before just to see where it leads me stopped in one of them small towns where ever1 knows ever1 an
Needs a good peice of p***y.
i like to play basketball and wiffe ball and football and i watch ufc and fanstany factory and ufc and like to movies and to bars and go dancing when i can i want to get married and i dont want to have kids at all i rock and rap and dancing
Ok...So after being on here for a while now, I am able to make an assessment of my experience.
Fuk you, Fuk you, Fuk you, You're Cool, Fuk you, and........Fuk you.
So, I decided to play Reindeer games, just to see what kind of fun this guy was looking for online. Definition of Reindeer games: engaging in chatting, email or texting with the intent of flirting, with potential for sexual overtones. This is my definition...and before anyone gets the wrong idea...I wasn't going to actually get involved in full contact Reindeer games...I just wanted to see where it would go. Call this an experiment. So, I said: "As a matter of fact, I am fun." To which he responded..."mmmm...sounds good .I like fun. " EW!!!! I feel the need wash from head to toe, just from that note. I mean it's not that bad, but still gross. I just placed an order for a case of hand sanitizer...but is it still called "hand sanitizer" if you don't use it on your hands? Just a thought?
It's interesting because I also got an email from another guy this week telling me that if I was interested in FWB (friends with benefits), that I should give him a shout. First problem with his email was, well...all of the words. Second, no picture. I mean really? Come on, if you are soliciting women for FWB...you need to sell the goods. Not to mention the fact that apparently he was negotiable on the "friends" part.
Don't get me wrong...I don't meet only losers online. I actually have had several really positive experiences...that never make it to the blog. I don't like to write about the ones I actually might want to be friends with...only the creeps.
For instance...my texting while driving psychotherapist, I met online on Match. He earns this name for some obvious reasons...and for being able to sum up my personality and all it's quirks pretty thoroughly. Believe it or not...he used to give me topics for emails conversations such as "Kermit the Frog: Was his decision to leave Sesame Street voluntary or Involuntary". Funny, funny stuff...we are friends now. He just happens to be emotionally unavailable with a complex subplot. That's ok...because now I have a smart ass friend who offers to bust up my bad dates and occasionally makes me laugh so hard I wet myself like a kool-aid drinking 2 year old. And I amuse him...sort of like a squeekie toy.
I do seem to have a knack for finding complex guys, similar to Vicki Vale and Batman's relationship...but that is a blog for another time.
Profiles of the week:
Warning: Some are R rated.
big flirt I love to kiss and touch lol couple of drinks and dinner then go from there .
If you are honest and fun and like to flirt lets meet , someone is funny sexy big chest lol well any size is fine , I like to laught and have fun in alot of ways . I hate to type I am better in person, so lets ]just get together and meet then go from there , what else do i need to say i am cute
Ball and chain removed, seeking new one
If your boobs have come untucked,
If you're making a face like a duck,
If you own a pair of skinny jeans,
Then I think you're out of luck
hi ever1 well lets start off what i do for fun i love to jump on my bike and take i road i never took before just to see where it leads me stopped in one of them small towns where ever1 knows ever1 an
Needs a good peice of p***y.
i like to play basketball and wiffe ball and football and i watch ufc and fanstany factory and ufc and like to movies and to bars and go dancing when i can i want to get married and i dont want to have kids at all i rock and rap and dancing
Ok...So after being on here for a while now, I am able to make an assessment of my experience.
Fuk you, Fuk you, Fuk you, You're Cool, Fuk you, and........Fuk you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Speed Dating-Part 2 or Why I love Pudding
When we last met with our blonde and adorably prudish heroine...she was discussing Freud during the adult version of Ice Breakers 101 at Speed Dating. So...after discussing Freud, complete with someone making a daddy joke...we moved onto another table of men.
This table was interested in knowing what the weirdest food anyone had ever eaten. Now...you can't get a bunch of horny adults together, mention food and not get some some crude and rude remarks. I believe if I remember correctly that rocky mountain oysters took the conversation to a whole new level.
This seems like a good time to introduce another one of the merry cast of characters..."B". Now, "B" had been at the bar since 4 pm drinking and proudly bellowed to us all that he worked for the Department of Corrections...and that yes, he had been in jail. Not sure why typing rocky mountain oysters reminded me of "B"...but I decided to go with it.
At the next table we run into Steve. I can't actually remember Steve's name, but he reminded me of Steve Urkel so now his name is Steve. Steve's big line of the night was to discuss the timeline of the road construction in Hershey. Woooo hooo.....nothing is more attractive than discussing traffic, hardhats and bulldozers. Who am I to judge? Not like I whipped out any thought provoking lines, other than I capitalizing on my candy job.
The interesting thing about this whole experience was that I wasn't even nervous, or uptight about the evening. Which is so unlike me...but in all honesty I had spent the previous week alternating between all sorts of emotions about my love life...and speed dating was playing second in my mind...let's find out what I was really thinking about...shall we?
I had met a "nice" guy online...or at least I thought he was nice. He said all of the things that I wanted to hear...I had a nice smile, he thought I was pretty and that it was really cool that I was into baseball. He thought I rocked. Who doesn't want to hear that!!! Plus, he seemed real...he sent me texts from a baseball game, he wanted to know about my day...it all seemed like it was heading in a good direction. He acted like he liked me...so I went with it.
We made plans to go out...then the phone calls started. He called me a couple of times at night for a couple of hours...and it was fun to talk to him. I got caught up in being pursued....
The day of our date arrived...and my collective group of female friends has discussed, planned and approved my wardrobe choices, hairstyle and underwear choices. Long story short...yeah, I know I am skimping on details...date was great, we hung out again...and bada boom, bada bing...haven't heard from him since. WTF?
Evidence shows that he might be a serial online dater. Usually I am pretty good at scoping these guys out, but as I have said...I got caught up in being pursued.
One of the things that I have forgotten about this online dating process, or any dating process is that it is all a game. As much as I hate playing personal life games, there is no way to avoid it. And just like in strip Monopoly...oh, wait I mean just regular Monopoly...you want to win the game.
But, I am not upset about how the things with the "nice guy-who's not so nice" turned out, or even upset about how speed dating went. (still owe you another story...and it is good!!!)I am just trying to figure it all out. Recently a friend told me that I don't need a nice guy, but I really need an honest guy who is not so nice. I might hold to him to that...but in the mean time I'm just going with the flow.. And if that doesn't work, Florida is full of 75 year old retired military guys who love blondes. I bet they wouldn't disappear...unless it was to refill the Viagra prescription...but I am not sure I can live on social security and eat pudding all day. Hmmm.....maybe the pudding is ok.
This table was interested in knowing what the weirdest food anyone had ever eaten. Now...you can't get a bunch of horny adults together, mention food and not get some some crude and rude remarks. I believe if I remember correctly that rocky mountain oysters took the conversation to a whole new level.
This seems like a good time to introduce another one of the merry cast of characters..."B". Now, "B" had been at the bar since 4 pm drinking and proudly bellowed to us all that he worked for the Department of Corrections...and that yes, he had been in jail. Not sure why typing rocky mountain oysters reminded me of "B"...but I decided to go with it.
At the next table we run into Steve. I can't actually remember Steve's name, but he reminded me of Steve Urkel so now his name is Steve. Steve's big line of the night was to discuss the timeline of the road construction in Hershey. Woooo hooo.....nothing is more attractive than discussing traffic, hardhats and bulldozers. Who am I to judge? Not like I whipped out any thought provoking lines, other than I capitalizing on my candy job.
The interesting thing about this whole experience was that I wasn't even nervous, or uptight about the evening. Which is so unlike me...but in all honesty I had spent the previous week alternating between all sorts of emotions about my love life...and speed dating was playing second in my mind...let's find out what I was really thinking about...shall we?
I had met a "nice" guy online...or at least I thought he was nice. He said all of the things that I wanted to hear...I had a nice smile, he thought I was pretty and that it was really cool that I was into baseball. He thought I rocked. Who doesn't want to hear that!!! Plus, he seemed real...he sent me texts from a baseball game, he wanted to know about my day...it all seemed like it was heading in a good direction. He acted like he liked me...so I went with it.
We made plans to go out...then the phone calls started. He called me a couple of times at night for a couple of hours...and it was fun to talk to him. I got caught up in being pursued....
The day of our date arrived...and my collective group of female friends has discussed, planned and approved my wardrobe choices, hairstyle and underwear choices. Long story short...yeah, I know I am skimping on details...date was great, we hung out again...and bada boom, bada bing...haven't heard from him since. WTF?
Evidence shows that he might be a serial online dater. Usually I am pretty good at scoping these guys out, but as I have said...I got caught up in being pursued.
One of the things that I have forgotten about this online dating process, or any dating process is that it is all a game. As much as I hate playing personal life games, there is no way to avoid it. And just like in strip Monopoly...oh, wait I mean just regular Monopoly...you want to win the game.
But, I am not upset about how the things with the "nice guy-who's not so nice" turned out, or even upset about how speed dating went. (still owe you another story...and it is good!!!)I am just trying to figure it all out. Recently a friend told me that I don't need a nice guy, but I really need an honest guy who is not so nice. I might hold to him to that...but in the mean time I'm just going with the flow.. And if that doesn't work, Florida is full of 75 year old retired military guys who love blondes. I bet they wouldn't disappear...unless it was to refill the Viagra prescription...but I am not sure I can live on social security and eat pudding all day. Hmmm.....maybe the pudding is ok.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Speed Dating-Part One: Shots!!!!
Last night I went speed dating. This was not just any speed dating evening...but a lock and key event. See previous post. So, tucked away off of Highway 83 in a quaint little cheesy bar, the lock and key event would occur.
When my friend and I walk in, we don't know what to expect. But, we check in with "S" at the front and receive nametags. Well, you know how I feel about nametags...I think we should all wear them everywhere...just so we know who is single and who is not, and what particular issue you may or may not have. Hi, My name is Julie...and I use my humor as a shield and sword and always am on the lookout for something bad to happen to me!!!
But, alas these nametags are just your regular sharpie name on an average sized Avery file lable. Not nearly what I was hoping!
After checking in....we go to the bar. Both my friend and I are in dire need of booze. We sort of peek around a bit to see if anyone interesting is around...at whihc point we meet "G". He about 5 feet tall and has a strange sparkle in his eye. I imagine that the sparkle is from his proximity to my chest...given his height, and my willingness to wear 4 inch hooker shoes out in public. I will see the sparkle more times than I care to as the evening goes on.
But...we chat, decide to do a shot and continue to wait for the dating to go down.
So...our hostess callls us into a room. 6 tables are set up with laminated sheets of questions at every table. We are asked to sit 4 women to a table...so we head to the corner table...note...this is the only table with access to an exit. We will want to use this exit several times over the course of the evening. I never actually get to make it as far as the exit...although I almost bolted while in the bathroom. Until the good girl in me felt bad for bailing on mu friend. Oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't run that fast in the hooker shoes.
At our first table, we have another 5 ft tall gentleman "T". He is more built like a short Sylvester Stallone and has tattoos up and down his arms. Remember the hat Rocky wore in the first movie..."T" is wearing one as well. Yo Adrine!!!!
There seem to be no shortage of short dudes at this little event. Ha, ha, ...little event.
Anyway...so, we sort of discuss the questions...trying to break the ice. There is only so much ice that can be broken when your questions inlude:
"If you talked in your sleep, what would you say and why?"
"If you could take a bath in anything, what would it be and why?"
"Why is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?"
And my personal favorite..."What do martians do on Mars?".
Upon reading the questions...a very lovely monotone talker preceeds to discuss Freud. I just did a shot of a blue sticky sweet liquor, am at a roadside bar in New Cumberland and am stuck in a room with at least 20 guys who will never hit this. I could care less about Freud.
To be continued....
When my friend and I walk in, we don't know what to expect. But, we check in with "S" at the front and receive nametags. Well, you know how I feel about nametags...I think we should all wear them everywhere...just so we know who is single and who is not, and what particular issue you may or may not have. Hi, My name is Julie...and I use my humor as a shield and sword and always am on the lookout for something bad to happen to me!!!
But, alas these nametags are just your regular sharpie name on an average sized Avery file lable. Not nearly what I was hoping!
After checking in....we go to the bar. Both my friend and I are in dire need of booze. We sort of peek around a bit to see if anyone interesting is around...at whihc point we meet "G". He about 5 feet tall and has a strange sparkle in his eye. I imagine that the sparkle is from his proximity to my chest...given his height, and my willingness to wear 4 inch hooker shoes out in public. I will see the sparkle more times than I care to as the evening goes on.
But...we chat, decide to do a shot and continue to wait for the dating to go down.
So...our hostess callls us into a room. 6 tables are set up with laminated sheets of questions at every table. We are asked to sit 4 women to a table...so we head to the corner table...note...this is the only table with access to an exit. We will want to use this exit several times over the course of the evening. I never actually get to make it as far as the exit...although I almost bolted while in the bathroom. Until the good girl in me felt bad for bailing on mu friend. Oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't run that fast in the hooker shoes.
At our first table, we have another 5 ft tall gentleman "T". He is more built like a short Sylvester Stallone and has tattoos up and down his arms. Remember the hat Rocky wore in the first movie..."T" is wearing one as well. Yo Adrine!!!!
There seem to be no shortage of short dudes at this little event. Ha, ha, ...little event.
Anyway...so, we sort of discuss the questions...trying to break the ice. There is only so much ice that can be broken when your questions inlude:
"If you talked in your sleep, what would you say and why?"
"If you could take a bath in anything, what would it be and why?"
"Why is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?"
And my personal favorite..."What do martians do on Mars?".
Upon reading the questions...a very lovely monotone talker preceeds to discuss Freud. I just did a shot of a blue sticky sweet liquor, am at a roadside bar in New Cumberland and am stuck in a room with at least 20 guys who will never hit this. I could care less about Freud.
To be continued....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
You are a Loser Top Eight!
Wow...this is two posts in one day. I feel like I should be tired or something...But, I just read an article on Yahoo called "Eight Signs That He is Into You". And felt like I needed to offer my rebuttal. So, I give you the "Eight Signs That He's Not Into You" or what I like to call the "You are Loser Top Eight". Some of these may be rated R, so take the kids out of the room...and lock them up where they belong.
8. On your first date, orders just one beer for you to share...and licks the glass before you drink.
7. Sends you a random text message refering to no topic you have ever discussed and in it calls you Tina.
6. Takes out his phone during your date to chat with a chick online in New Jersey.
5. He asks you to take his picture so he can update his profile.
4. When discussing online dating, he refers to it as a hobby.
3. When talking about your interests, says "did you tell me that already?"
2. Explains not emailing for weeks, by saying that his email was hacked.
1. When he puts his pants back on, he laughs and says.."wow, that was easy!'
8. On your first date, orders just one beer for you to share...and licks the glass before you drink.
7. Sends you a random text message refering to no topic you have ever discussed and in it calls you Tina.
6. Takes out his phone during your date to chat with a chick online in New Jersey.
5. He asks you to take his picture so he can update his profile.
4. When discussing online dating, he refers to it as a hobby.
3. When talking about your interests, says "did you tell me that already?"
2. Explains not emailing for weeks, by saying that his email was hacked.
1. When he puts his pants back on, he laughs and says.."wow, that was easy!'
Can I see your hardware?
Speedating. No, it has nothing to do with Apollo Anton Ono or a pair of skates...but just the thought of it has me sweating like a female German weightlifter. I have decided to go speedating on Thursday with a friend from work. This isn't just any speedating trek into desperate single waters...no it is a lock and key event.
What is a lock and key event you ask? Some sort of dungeon themed dating party? Oh, no..according to the dating website a lock and key event has nothing to do with shackles and chains:
"Men get keys, women get locks. As soon as you check in and get your first lock or key, set off to try and find its match. Every key matches at least 2-3 locks, so depending on how outgoing you are, you could find your first match within minutes! Just approach a member of the opposite sex and ask if you can see if your hardware is a match."
As if the men having a key wasn't symbolic enough...I am willing to bet that the "hardware" jokes will be flying. I feel like I need to brush up on my key jokes and be prepared for deciding how long after approaching a guy across the room, he can stick it in my lock. I mean the key...gutter people...minds out!!!
So, peeps...I need some good lock and key pick up lines. This is where I ask you, my smart, funny, illustrious group of readers. Yes, all 9 of you. I need pick up line ideas. Comment below...post them on my fb wall, or shoot me an email. On Wednesday I will choose the top three and award prizes. Everyone loves prizes!!! Just don't expect much more than a stolen pen from the orthodontist...I am girl on a budget.
Come on...help a spinster out!
What is a lock and key event you ask? Some sort of dungeon themed dating party? Oh, no..according to the dating website a lock and key event has nothing to do with shackles and chains:
"Men get keys, women get locks. As soon as you check in and get your first lock or key, set off to try and find its match. Every key matches at least 2-3 locks, so depending on how outgoing you are, you could find your first match within minutes! Just approach a member of the opposite sex and ask if you can see if your hardware is a match."
As if the men having a key wasn't symbolic enough...I am willing to bet that the "hardware" jokes will be flying. I feel like I need to brush up on my key jokes and be prepared for deciding how long after approaching a guy across the room, he can stick it in my lock. I mean the key...gutter people...minds out!!!
So, peeps...I need some good lock and key pick up lines. This is where I ask you, my smart, funny, illustrious group of readers. Yes, all 9 of you. I need pick up line ideas. Comment below...post them on my fb wall, or shoot me an email. On Wednesday I will choose the top three and award prizes. Everyone loves prizes!!! Just don't expect much more than a stolen pen from the orthodontist...I am girl on a budget.
Come on...help a spinster out!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hello My Name is Helga
Here is the best part about online dating...when you fill out a profile, you can be whomever you want to be. If I want to be a svelte supermodel from Czech, I can be. Fill out the correct height, education and wants/likes...and you can be someone for anyone. Hi, my name is Julie. I am into cubist art, indie films and Battlestar Galactica. I secretly want to work for Greenpeace and aspire to be a a better person to my fellow man.
This is especially true if I don't put up a photo. All it takes in this day and age is some decent google skills, and I can positively plant the correct information to make my potential date believe I LOVE being a vegatarian and live in Utah . So, when I meet guys online who seem to be too good to be true...I need to remind myself that they are. What you don't want my phone number? Real guys I know, in real life are DYING for my phone number...even if they don't like me, like me...guys LOVE phone numbers.
I mean really life is not like the movies, and when they say that the guys acts like they are all that and a bag of chips...I need to request pretzels.
A funny conversation online isn't like meeting in real life...it's still online. And people hide things for a reason. I mean, am I really going to tell a potential date about dancing on speaker stories...and are they really going to tell me that they really are a woman, with 5 kids living in a former Eastern Bloc country with a phone job working for Capital One or Big Ladies Loving Life Hotline?
And that boys and girls is the problem...online is not real. Life is life, and online is online. So, for that reason...let's get our happy on and find some profiles to make of....I mean, it's not like we are making fun of real people right?
Ok.. I expect this to be a work in progress, but here at 2: 40am we'll see what I come up with. Whew 100 characters down already!!
UPDATE! OK LET ME TRY THIS AGIN! THIS SITE IS HISTERICAL LOL, I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE PICTURES OF KIDS LOCKED IN A DOGS CAGE THE RED FLAGS SHOULD BE FLYING HIGH LOL. YES THIS GIRL HAD HER KID LOCKED IN A CAGE WTF!!!! I MEAN LADIES YOU'RE SINGLE FOR A REASON! 1) YOU DROVE YOUR MAN CRAZY OR 2) HE DROVE YOU CRAZY! LOL ;). SOME GIRLS ON HERE NEED A LESSON IN ETHICS
Just for the record I have sent enough emails. I am done with that. If you are interested you contact me. Stupid Jerk Fishing!!!!! You girls wonder why men send dumb emails cause we are tired of no responses!
Before I get started if your a slob don't both going on if you look around your house and theres piles of stuff and you look like a hoarder or something don't bother I'm not a fanatic but do care how my house looks I'm looking for someone who is young at heart
Never knew the line, "Sleeps with the fishes" could be a double entendre before. Thanks POF!
Time for a new profile description,although judging by the amout of views to messages ratio, I'd say most of you will not see this!!
I threw out my tv.
Dont talk much but I mean what I say except when I'm being sarcastic.
Honesty, I try my best at it but being human it'
This is especially true if I don't put up a photo. All it takes in this day and age is some decent google skills, and I can positively plant the correct information to make my potential date believe I LOVE being a vegatarian and live in Utah . So, when I meet guys online who seem to be too good to be true...I need to remind myself that they are. What you don't want my phone number? Real guys I know, in real life are DYING for my phone number...even if they don't like me, like me...guys LOVE phone numbers.
I mean really life is not like the movies, and when they say that the guys acts like they are all that and a bag of chips...I need to request pretzels.
A funny conversation online isn't like meeting in real life...it's still online. And people hide things for a reason. I mean, am I really going to tell a potential date about dancing on speaker stories...and are they really going to tell me that they really are a woman, with 5 kids living in a former Eastern Bloc country with a phone job working for Capital One or Big Ladies Loving Life Hotline?
And that boys and girls is the problem...online is not real. Life is life, and online is online. So, for that reason...let's get our happy on and find some profiles to make of....I mean, it's not like we are making fun of real people right?
Ok.. I expect this to be a work in progress, but here at 2: 40am we'll see what I come up with. Whew 100 characters down already!!
UPDATE! OK LET ME TRY THIS AGIN! THIS SITE IS HISTERICAL LOL, I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE PICTURES OF KIDS LOCKED IN A DOGS CAGE THE RED FLAGS SHOULD BE FLYING HIGH LOL. YES THIS GIRL HAD HER KID LOCKED IN A CAGE WTF!!!! I MEAN LADIES YOU'RE SINGLE FOR A REASON! 1) YOU DROVE YOUR MAN CRAZY OR 2) HE DROVE YOU CRAZY! LOL ;). SOME GIRLS ON HERE NEED A LESSON IN ETHICS
Just for the record I have sent enough emails. I am done with that. If you are interested you contact me. Stupid Jerk Fishing!!!!! You girls wonder why men send dumb emails cause we are tired of no responses!
Before I get started if your a slob don't both going on if you look around your house and theres piles of stuff and you look like a hoarder or something don't bother I'm not a fanatic but do care how my house looks I'm looking for someone who is young at heart
Never knew the line, "Sleeps with the fishes" could be a double entendre before. Thanks POF!
Time for a new profile description,although judging by the amout of views to messages ratio, I'd say most of you will not see this!!
I threw out my tv.
Dont talk much but I mean what I say except when I'm being sarcastic.
Honesty, I try my best at it but being human it'
Friday, June 17, 2011
I want to talk to you-Updated
Short blog tonight...and but this is my new favorite dating profile for the week. Thought I would share. Warning...it is rated R. BUT...I have added a bonus track. Take a look.
I'm not really gay, duh...I would be on a gay site if I were.
Contact me if you’re interested in meeting.
Do not send me an email unless you have full intentions of getting in your car and driving to a public place to meet at some point, whether you’re alone or with someone else when we meet. Or if you want me to pick you up.
Dont take it the wrong way, I will talk with anyone. And want to talk to you, I'm just tired of receiving messages that turn into nothing more than conversation through messages. I do enough emailing at work.
I'm here for business, not by my choice. I'm not looking for love or a relationship, I know I will be returning to TX and have no intentions of moving to PA.
Good luck on your search for whatever that might be.
I'm not...let me repeat NOT looking for sex!! I can pleasure myself very well, thank you!
I find women beautiful and am just curious to know
Do you...
like to watch porn?
dance naked with the lights on?
let others watch you have sex?
Are you...
a perv?
a nasty talker?
a fantisizer?
a dream maker?
Did you answer yes to any of these questions?
Another profile...from a guy who just emailed me.
If you have a tattoo on the small of your back or on your chest (or anywhere on your body for that matter), please don't contact me. In it's natural form, the human body is beautiful without a sweet tribal tat. Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
Does your profile?
Look like this?
I can wear jeans.
I can wear a dress.
I like pizza.
I like fun.
I am so random.
If it does.
You're too young for me.
No matter how old you are.
Ladies! If you'd like to "start as friends first" and "see where it goes from there" but you're "not looking for a relationship" and you're "open to a relationship in the future", that means YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do you want someone to like you for your personality? Then show JUST your personality in your profile, not your body in trashy half naked pics. Hope this helps!
To my soulmate, wherever you are, I will definitely look forward to hearing from YOU!
I'm not really gay, duh...I would be on a gay site if I were.
Contact me if you’re interested in meeting.
Do not send me an email unless you have full intentions of getting in your car and driving to a public place to meet at some point, whether you’re alone or with someone else when we meet. Or if you want me to pick you up.
Dont take it the wrong way, I will talk with anyone. And want to talk to you, I'm just tired of receiving messages that turn into nothing more than conversation through messages. I do enough emailing at work.
I'm here for business, not by my choice. I'm not looking for love or a relationship, I know I will be returning to TX and have no intentions of moving to PA.
Good luck on your search for whatever that might be.
I'm not...let me repeat NOT looking for sex!! I can pleasure myself very well, thank you!
I find women beautiful and am just curious to know
Do you...
like to watch porn?
dance naked with the lights on?
let others watch you have sex?
Are you...
a perv?
a nasty talker?
a fantisizer?
a dream maker?
Did you answer yes to any of these questions?
Another profile...from a guy who just emailed me.
If you have a tattoo on the small of your back or on your chest (or anywhere on your body for that matter), please don't contact me. In it's natural form, the human body is beautiful without a sweet tribal tat. Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
Does your profile?
Look like this?
I can wear jeans.
I can wear a dress.
I like pizza.
I like fun.
I am so random.
If it does.
You're too young for me.
No matter how old you are.
Ladies! If you'd like to "start as friends first" and "see where it goes from there" but you're "not looking for a relationship" and you're "open to a relationship in the future", that means YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do you want someone to like you for your personality? Then show JUST your personality in your profile, not your body in trashy half naked pics. Hope this helps!
To my soulmate, wherever you are, I will definitely look forward to hearing from YOU!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Everybody Needs Somebody to Love
So..I decided to go back to the online dating sites. Let's face it...I have a good touch of ADD, have no life outside of my four walls...and a higher than average ability to type quickly. Plus, if I had to look at Christina Aquilera's boobs hanging out one more time on The Voice...I was going to scream. Love Adam Levine...call me!!! Meaning...TV was just not floating my ice cream.
I am back on Plenty of Fish...purely for the fact that I get more action on that site and it has the highest ratio of wackos per psychos...what? Trust me...you love when I am on here...this is where all of the good material comes from.
I am contemplating going back to Match...and let me tell you why. I am not going to let one failed attempt with an international man of mystery keep me off the most entertaining piece of world wide web since Rebecca Black's Friday video. Nope...not me. I am ready to get back out there...show some good stuff off to the world and I ain't talking Weinerizing.
Add to the fact that I am signed up for speed dating in July. That should be worth the $20 just to hear me talk about it...I am hoping to have a busy summer on my hands.
Whether it is online dating, speed dating or hanging out at Lowe's...let's face it, it's tough to be single in the world today. Everybody is just looking for someone to love(I'm singing in my head...are you? No? Maybe I didn't take my meds today)...and as an ode to my fellow searchers on this crazy carnival ride. I give you this link to a great video.
Dating Fail
(thanks to my favorite texting and driving psychotherapist for passing this along)
I am back on Plenty of Fish...purely for the fact that I get more action on that site and it has the highest ratio of wackos per psychos...what? Trust me...you love when I am on here...this is where all of the good material comes from.
I am contemplating going back to Match...and let me tell you why. I am not going to let one failed attempt with an international man of mystery keep me off the most entertaining piece of world wide web since Rebecca Black's Friday video. Nope...not me. I am ready to get back out there...show some good stuff off to the world and I ain't talking Weinerizing.
Add to the fact that I am signed up for speed dating in July. That should be worth the $20 just to hear me talk about it...I am hoping to have a busy summer on my hands.
Whether it is online dating, speed dating or hanging out at Lowe's...let's face it, it's tough to be single in the world today. Everybody is just looking for someone to love(I'm singing in my head...are you? No? Maybe I didn't take my meds today)...and as an ode to my fellow searchers on this crazy carnival ride. I give you this link to a great video.
Dating Fail
(thanks to my favorite texting and driving psychotherapist for passing this along)
Monday, June 6, 2011
Tool Time
I had this flash the other night...of my future self. Forward 35 years and I am singing Karaoke (Vintage Britney Spears) at the old folks home, to get the attention of the single Alzheimer guys (they forget when I say stupid things to them). I'm wearing a tube top, skinny jeans, 3 inch orthopedic shoes...but I am still blonde. And still single. It's a depressing thought.
This flash was probably prompted by the cancellation of my match.com account. I decided that I had enough of weirdos, 50 year old toothless bikers and guys who disappear. Speaking of which...International Man of Mystery showed back up again this week. And apparently the internet doesn't work in Florida anymore.
But, I digress...So, I canceled my account. I have to admit I sort of miss the fun of searching...but not that much. It wasn't like I was all that successful anyway.
But, I don't want to end up alone at the nursing home trying to get someone to share their pudding with me.
Recently a friend suggested that the idea of hanging out at Lowe's wasn't such a bad idea...I even got pointers on how to pick up a guy. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Although I'm not sure what my style is anymore considering the last time I really tried to pick up a stranger, the cute drunk routine was my style. Cute drunk works when you are 25, doesn't work when you are 39...unless you have had some work done.
I really want the Lowe's idea to work...in theory. But, I may need some practice before I try it out in person. So...I have compiled a list of things I may say if I happen upon a nice looking guy while I am hanging out at Lowe's.
-How do you like to wack your weeds?
-Do you know someone who would like to mow my lawn?
-I need a snake for my drain? Can you point me in the right direction?
-I am looking for a big screw...what aisle is that on?
-Can you show me your tools?
-I need a good hammer...can you suggest where I would find one?
-I could use some work on my plumbing...
-I keep popping a nut off my screw...is that normal?
Not sure that any of those things will actually help me out. Maybe I should get someone to drive me to Lowe's and I can try the cute drunk girl routine...while asking for help finding a nail? Or it may be time to look into finding a mail order groom from a former communist country where the men haven't quite figured out what neurotic is.
This flash was probably prompted by the cancellation of my match.com account. I decided that I had enough of weirdos, 50 year old toothless bikers and guys who disappear. Speaking of which...International Man of Mystery showed back up again this week. And apparently the internet doesn't work in Florida anymore.
But, I digress...So, I canceled my account. I have to admit I sort of miss the fun of searching...but not that much. It wasn't like I was all that successful anyway.
But, I don't want to end up alone at the nursing home trying to get someone to share their pudding with me.
Recently a friend suggested that the idea of hanging out at Lowe's wasn't such a bad idea...I even got pointers on how to pick up a guy. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Although I'm not sure what my style is anymore considering the last time I really tried to pick up a stranger, the cute drunk routine was my style. Cute drunk works when you are 25, doesn't work when you are 39...unless you have had some work done.
I really want the Lowe's idea to work...in theory. But, I may need some practice before I try it out in person. So...I have compiled a list of things I may say if I happen upon a nice looking guy while I am hanging out at Lowe's.
-How do you like to wack your weeds?
-Do you know someone who would like to mow my lawn?
-I need a snake for my drain? Can you point me in the right direction?
-I am looking for a big screw...what aisle is that on?
-Can you show me your tools?
-I need a good hammer...can you suggest where I would find one?
-I could use some work on my plumbing...
-I keep popping a nut off my screw...is that normal?
Not sure that any of those things will actually help me out. Maybe I should get someone to drive me to Lowe's and I can try the cute drunk girl routine...while asking for help finding a nail? Or it may be time to look into finding a mail order groom from a former communist country where the men haven't quite figured out what neurotic is.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
How much is that doggie in the window?
Online dating is kinda like going to the pet store to buy a new puppy. You look in the cages, see who has the brightest eyes, cutest shaggy fur, and who's looks at you with their tongue sticking out. When you go to the pet store, you look for "that" puppy. You know that one that looks like it is going to have some spunk, personality, is cute and you won't mind too much when it pees on the carpet. You don't go looking for a puppy with gooky eyes, matted fur and who sits in the corner of its cage licking itself. You want a good puppy.
And in the online dating world, you can look through profiles...see who looks like they have a good car, normal friends...and is cute enough enough that you mind if they get drunk and pee on the carpet. It's really very similar.
Let's face it...if I were a puppy in the pet store I would have vodka in my bowl,I would be chasing my tail and would have two other puppies hanging out with me eating all my food. Not exactly fancy, smancy doggie show material. It takes a special kinda of person to want that puppy. Not everyone who walks into the pet store is going to want to buy it a dog house with a heated bed, or a little purse to be carried around in.
I know that my therapist (my pretend one, because I can't actually commit to having one) would not like my use of the "puppy" analogy...but it's hard not to let this online thing get to you. I sit in a cage day after day and let people check me out while I hear sounds of "it's a hard knock life.." in my head. (that's actually a good thing...it drowns out the other voices)
I'm not sure how much longer I am going to sit in the cage hoping that someone will want to take me home...but until I have had enough, I am going to drink up the vodka in my bowl, chase my tail a little bit more and make sure that those other puppies who hang out with me and eat all my food look cute too...because we make a really nice package deal to take home.
And in the online dating world, you can look through profiles...see who looks like they have a good car, normal friends...and is cute enough enough that you mind if they get drunk and pee on the carpet. It's really very similar.
Let's face it...if I were a puppy in the pet store I would have vodka in my bowl,I would be chasing my tail and would have two other puppies hanging out with me eating all my food. Not exactly fancy, smancy doggie show material. It takes a special kinda of person to want that puppy. Not everyone who walks into the pet store is going to want to buy it a dog house with a heated bed, or a little purse to be carried around in.
I know that my therapist (my pretend one, because I can't actually commit to having one) would not like my use of the "puppy" analogy...but it's hard not to let this online thing get to you. I sit in a cage day after day and let people check me out while I hear sounds of "it's a hard knock life.." in my head. (that's actually a good thing...it drowns out the other voices)
I'm not sure how much longer I am going to sit in the cage hoping that someone will want to take me home...but until I have had enough, I am going to drink up the vodka in my bowl, chase my tail a little bit more and make sure that those other puppies who hang out with me and eat all my food look cute too...because we make a really nice package deal to take home.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Jiggles is Not a College
It's been about a year since I started this strange little trip down the husband search highway. And it that year, I have been out on a couple of dates, chatted up a couple of dudes online, email, texted and even chatted up a few beer bellied hosers in the grocery store. Yeah...I meant hoser. Winking at the old man in Walmart counts too...Still, I am not any closer to finding a husband. Hell, I am not any closer to finding someone to take me to Sonic on a monthly basis.
In the past year, not much has changed. Lindsay Lohan is still a hobag, my ex husband still refuses to pay child support and I still can't get over the fact that those fly ass shoes I bought at Kohls broke on me at the mall. Life goes on.
I did have a few interesting dilemmas this week...I had two guys email me and text me. Then ask me out. I guess this doesn't sound so weird on the surface...but exchanging one sentence via text and looking at someone's picture online does not make for a great lead in to "wanna do something tomorrow". It feels too rushed. It feels like creep craigslist killer weird. I just couldn't do it. THEN, on the flip side, way on the flip side we have the International Man of Mystery who doesn't want to do anything but email. We were supposed to go out tonight, but he let me know via email that he had to work. Whatever. I am more and more convinced that this guy has a wife and kids in Hoboken. Or at the very least a Latvian mail order bride locked away in a townhouse in Harrisburg.
So, my point is..that not much has changed over the past year. But, maybe it should. Maybe I need to change my profile. I originally wrote my profile to be light and airy and funny, yet wittifully (it's word...don't go scrabble on me) attractive to the opposite sex. I didn't want my profile to scream "desperate" or "wackjob crazy". So, I keep it short. But, I think that for the next year of searching (oh god...another year!!!), I should write a new profile. One that is more in line with what I am looking for, and really gives me future suitors a look into my life. Something like this:
Cute..Slightly chubby 39 year old, maturity challenged woman looking for a not unattractive mature man. I know mature and man sometimes do not go together, so if you still eat only cereal and live with your mother, you are not the guy for me.
Do not send me pictures of yourself with your 78 Trans Am, your buddies deer hunting, or of you topless holding a cat.
I am not opposed to facial hair, as long as you facial hair does not intermingle with your hairy arse. I prefer my men to bathe regularly and possess some sort of formal education outside of "Jiggles" strip club. You should not be bothered when I eventially troll through your wallet, cell phone and email inbox looking for signs of infidelity. I will also track your every move online, jsut to be safe.
Despite being fiercely independent, I will want you to buy me an expensive foreign car, and a house bigger than my sisters. If you do not have the means to buy said car or house...you are not the man for me. I will hid my thousands of dollars of debt from you, while buying shoes to fill the void that you already leave in my life.
You should not smell. You should have a cell phone and want to use it to call me, and you will not refer to any part of my anatomy in an email, or text prior to actually having seen said body part. I will not participate in sexting, or webcam streaking.
If you think we could have fun talking...send me an email. Can't wait to talk! : )
In the past year, not much has changed. Lindsay Lohan is still a hobag, my ex husband still refuses to pay child support and I still can't get over the fact that those fly ass shoes I bought at Kohls broke on me at the mall. Life goes on.
I did have a few interesting dilemmas this week...I had two guys email me and text me. Then ask me out. I guess this doesn't sound so weird on the surface...but exchanging one sentence via text and looking at someone's picture online does not make for a great lead in to "wanna do something tomorrow". It feels too rushed. It feels like creep craigslist killer weird. I just couldn't do it. THEN, on the flip side, way on the flip side we have the International Man of Mystery who doesn't want to do anything but email. We were supposed to go out tonight, but he let me know via email that he had to work. Whatever. I am more and more convinced that this guy has a wife and kids in Hoboken. Or at the very least a Latvian mail order bride locked away in a townhouse in Harrisburg.
So, my point is..that not much has changed over the past year. But, maybe it should. Maybe I need to change my profile. I originally wrote my profile to be light and airy and funny, yet wittifully (it's word...don't go scrabble on me) attractive to the opposite sex. I didn't want my profile to scream "desperate" or "wackjob crazy". So, I keep it short. But, I think that for the next year of searching (oh god...another year!!!), I should write a new profile. One that is more in line with what I am looking for, and really gives me future suitors a look into my life. Something like this:
Cute..Slightly chubby 39 year old, maturity challenged woman looking for a not unattractive mature man. I know mature and man sometimes do not go together, so if you still eat only cereal and live with your mother, you are not the guy for me.
Do not send me pictures of yourself with your 78 Trans Am, your buddies deer hunting, or of you topless holding a cat.
I am not opposed to facial hair, as long as you facial hair does not intermingle with your hairy arse. I prefer my men to bathe regularly and possess some sort of formal education outside of "Jiggles" strip club. You should not be bothered when I eventially troll through your wallet, cell phone and email inbox looking for signs of infidelity. I will also track your every move online, jsut to be safe.
Despite being fiercely independent, I will want you to buy me an expensive foreign car, and a house bigger than my sisters. If you do not have the means to buy said car or house...you are not the man for me. I will hid my thousands of dollars of debt from you, while buying shoes to fill the void that you already leave in my life.
You should not smell. You should have a cell phone and want to use it to call me, and you will not refer to any part of my anatomy in an email, or text prior to actually having seen said body part. I will not participate in sexting, or webcam streaking.
If you think we could have fun talking...send me an email. Can't wait to talk! : )
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hanging Out
I think I am depressed. I'm tired, all I want to do is eat cookies and the siren's song of the shoe sale does not appeal to me. I didn't even have a glass of wine tonight...oh, this is so bad. I even...wait for it....told my daughter she could buy a snuggie.
What exactly has me turning to the world of Reeses Chips Ahoy? Dating drama. But, in this instance...not dating drama. I think things are completely over with my international man of mystery. He didn't seem real excited to hear from me last week, so I blasted an email to him scoping it out. To which he responds that it seemed like I didn't want to do anything more than hang out.
What exactly else did he want to do in a public place next to a table of Mennonite tourist? It's Hershey for Pete's sake...it's not like it's Vegas with all sorts of table action going on. Both in and out of the casino.
I was offended. So, I blasted an email back...clearly laying out the fact that I don't do casual. Which I told him once before, months and months ago...THEN he says that he's not sure what he wants...because he is probably moving in 6 months. What??? Where did that come from? Ok, so why even go out with me at all....then it all makes sense.
He never wanted to call me, he only met me at night, he's cold to the touch, never goes to the bathroom and he's from Germany...he MUST be a vampire!! Wait..hold on, sorry...I was watching Twilight while I write.
Let's go back...never wanted to call me, disappeared all the time, was hot and cold on the whole dating thing, and told me stories about his friends having friends with benefits. He wanted a hook up. How did I not spot it? He was very crafty. Throwing in random cute stories about his sister and how the Audi makes a nice family SUV to make me think he was an actual thinking, feeling human who wasn't only trying to get me out of my skinny jeans. And yes, K-Mart makes a very nice skinny jean.
Now...do you understand why I am depressed? It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. That maybe he did see the food in my teeth, or didn't like the way I sang Lady Gaga songs on the way to the bathroom. Or, maybe even that the 39 yr old chubby single mom isn't as much fun, intellectually stimulating or witty as she really thinks she is. That can SO not be it...because I am freaking hilarious.
It's hard to get your point across via email, when you are emailing someone back and forth. And let's face it, online dating profiles aren't exactly an executive summary. It's easy to see how we both were expecting something different from one another. At least that's what I am telling myself so I will stay away from the cookies. But, why did he have to be cute and smell good. Damn. Anyway...going with a theme of easily misunderstood, I give you the latest dating profiles of some crazy men who want to make sure that you don't misunderstand. Anything.
Bald men with no jobs and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women
I love to have fun. Paula Deen is hot! I love you, Paula! Where is my Paula Deen?
Did I mention that I’m not gay. . .cause I'm not?!
WOW WHAT A DEAL! NOT TO SOUND LIKE AN ARROGANT BASTERD, BUT I AM A STEAL! SO HURRY ON OVER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!
Can you stimulate me intellectual; if not, don't bother? Communication is so important to me. I long for love but beware, I am too independent to be changed or controlled and I demand respect
looking to add some excitement. haven't decided where to draw the line, but if you have something in mind, i'd probably be up for it! serious meets, no games.
know everyone is looking for prince charming but come on ladies... Prince pimp is right here!!!Don't be afraid.
Just looking for a good, HONEST woman. Currently incarcerated but will be home in less then a year.
What exactly has me turning to the world of Reeses Chips Ahoy? Dating drama. But, in this instance...not dating drama. I think things are completely over with my international man of mystery. He didn't seem real excited to hear from me last week, so I blasted an email to him scoping it out. To which he responds that it seemed like I didn't want to do anything more than hang out.
What exactly else did he want to do in a public place next to a table of Mennonite tourist? It's Hershey for Pete's sake...it's not like it's Vegas with all sorts of table action going on. Both in and out of the casino.
I was offended. So, I blasted an email back...clearly laying out the fact that I don't do casual. Which I told him once before, months and months ago...THEN he says that he's not sure what he wants...because he is probably moving in 6 months. What??? Where did that come from? Ok, so why even go out with me at all....then it all makes sense.
He never wanted to call me, he only met me at night, he's cold to the touch, never goes to the bathroom and he's from Germany...he MUST be a vampire!! Wait..hold on, sorry...I was watching Twilight while I write.
Let's go back...never wanted to call me, disappeared all the time, was hot and cold on the whole dating thing, and told me stories about his friends having friends with benefits. He wanted a hook up. How did I not spot it? He was very crafty. Throwing in random cute stories about his sister and how the Audi makes a nice family SUV to make me think he was an actual thinking, feeling human who wasn't only trying to get me out of my skinny jeans. And yes, K-Mart makes a very nice skinny jean.
Now...do you understand why I am depressed? It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. That maybe he did see the food in my teeth, or didn't like the way I sang Lady Gaga songs on the way to the bathroom. Or, maybe even that the 39 yr old chubby single mom isn't as much fun, intellectually stimulating or witty as she really thinks she is. That can SO not be it...because I am freaking hilarious.
It's hard to get your point across via email, when you are emailing someone back and forth. And let's face it, online dating profiles aren't exactly an executive summary. It's easy to see how we both were expecting something different from one another. At least that's what I am telling myself so I will stay away from the cookies. But, why did he have to be cute and smell good. Damn. Anyway...going with a theme of easily misunderstood, I give you the latest dating profiles of some crazy men who want to make sure that you don't misunderstand. Anything.
Bald men with no jobs and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women
I love to have fun. Paula Deen is hot! I love you, Paula! Where is my Paula Deen?
Did I mention that I’m not gay. . .cause I'm not?!
WOW WHAT A DEAL! NOT TO SOUND LIKE AN ARROGANT BASTERD, BUT I AM A STEAL! SO HURRY ON OVER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!
Can you stimulate me intellectual; if not, don't bother? Communication is so important to me. I long for love but beware, I am too independent to be changed or controlled and I demand respect
looking to add some excitement. haven't decided where to draw the line, but if you have something in mind, i'd probably be up for it! serious meets, no games.
know everyone is looking for prince charming but come on ladies... Prince pimp is right here!!!Don't be afraid.
Just looking for a good, HONEST woman. Currently incarcerated but will be home in less then a year.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Winning!
So..it's been a while since I blogged. I'd like to say it's because of some deep dark secret illness that I had, that shrunk my thighs and made me even more beautiful and attractive to the male population at large...but really it's because I was tired of whining about getting no action. I guess whining is a strong word, but I like to use it.
I'll catch you up on my love life rather quickly...talked to some dudes online, dodged some creepy dudes online...got a email from a creepy dude that said "yummy" and nothing else...and was checked out by a friends soon to be ex-husband. Another creeper. Texted with some other guys...TEXT!!! I am so hip. Had a couple of really great conversations with men who have some real clear psychological issues and went out on two dates with the dude who dodged me a couple of times before. (see previously blogs) You know your basic single dating stuff...
But, now that I have been out a couple of times on real-life dates...and not the pretend kind I act out in my living room...Some interesting things have occured to me. Well, they are interesting to me...but I also have a picture of Rob Pattinson in my bedroom. So, let's use the word interesting with a grain of salt, shall we?
So, here is what I have been thinking about...dates are so much pressure. What do you wear, where do you meet, how do you tell if they are an axe murderer, who pays, and how much wine is too much? And don't even get me started about the whole food thing...ugh! I had french fries at last night's date, and got food caught in my teeth. I knew it was caught, but couldn't figure a classy way of getting up to go get rid of the crap in my teeth. SO, I sat there for about 5 minutes, terrified that he would see the french fries, become grossed out and ditch me when my back was turned.
Plus, I have decided to take Immodium before every date, just in case. Nothing ruins a good time faster than public bathroom diarrhea. Not that I am having those issues, but I just want to be pro-active, instead of reactive. Know what I mean?
So, on the plus side...dates have been good, guy appears to be normal...and he smells good too, which has taken care of my good hygiene requirement. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point, but so far I am having a good time. If he turns out to be an axe murderer, or married or a Cross dresser...a cross dressing married axe murderer, I'll let you know.
Until next time...here are the fun, and fabulous crazy posts. Enjoy.
**Sane. Have a great job. A nice car. Don't live with my mom..I own my own house. Am over my ex. And I won't send you pictures of my genitals.**
ask me to know me.searching for a job.i do not send money to any one.i am qiuet man.i like fishing,walking.music,animals,but i do not have,flowers.i like black,blue,red,white,greem
This is me ,., WINNING.. ..
I'm a well rounde bi sexual guy that enjoys life as it comes.
I’d like to meet a nice reasonably normal girl to spend time with. Preferably no crack heads, porn stars, religious cult members, or spoiled bratts
Hello my name is John , I no you get alot of emails from men, but i can honestly say i have read your profile and like what i read and see.
***I JUST MOVED TO CHINA. UNLESS YOU'RE IN CHINA AS WELL, THIS MAY NOT WORK OUT.***
Hello pretty young girl, how are you? you ahve a nice profile. i am interested in knowing about you. email me if you are interested and we start from there. Feel free to email me and i would be happy to hear from you.
good night sweety.
Ok so my friend met a woman on here and after a year or so she turned out to be a nightmare and started treating his kids like they were a nuisance while having 2 of her own.
I'll catch you up on my love life rather quickly...talked to some dudes online, dodged some creepy dudes online...got a email from a creepy dude that said "yummy" and nothing else...and was checked out by a friends soon to be ex-husband. Another creeper. Texted with some other guys...TEXT!!! I am so hip. Had a couple of really great conversations with men who have some real clear psychological issues and went out on two dates with the dude who dodged me a couple of times before. (see previously blogs) You know your basic single dating stuff...
But, now that I have been out a couple of times on real-life dates...and not the pretend kind I act out in my living room...Some interesting things have occured to me. Well, they are interesting to me...but I also have a picture of Rob Pattinson in my bedroom. So, let's use the word interesting with a grain of salt, shall we?
So, here is what I have been thinking about...dates are so much pressure. What do you wear, where do you meet, how do you tell if they are an axe murderer, who pays, and how much wine is too much? And don't even get me started about the whole food thing...ugh! I had french fries at last night's date, and got food caught in my teeth. I knew it was caught, but couldn't figure a classy way of getting up to go get rid of the crap in my teeth. SO, I sat there for about 5 minutes, terrified that he would see the french fries, become grossed out and ditch me when my back was turned.
Plus, I have decided to take Immodium before every date, just in case. Nothing ruins a good time faster than public bathroom diarrhea. Not that I am having those issues, but I just want to be pro-active, instead of reactive. Know what I mean?
So, on the plus side...dates have been good, guy appears to be normal...and he smells good too, which has taken care of my good hygiene requirement. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point, but so far I am having a good time. If he turns out to be an axe murderer, or married or a Cross dresser...a cross dressing married axe murderer, I'll let you know.
Until next time...here are the fun, and fabulous crazy posts. Enjoy.
**Sane. Have a great job. A nice car. Don't live with my mom..I own my own house. Am over my ex. And I won't send you pictures of my genitals.**
ask me to know me.searching for a job.i do not send money to any one.i am qiuet man.i like fishing,walking.music,animals,but i do not have,flowers.i like black,blue,red,white,greem
This is me ,., WINNING.. ..
I'm a well rounde bi sexual guy that enjoys life as it comes.
I’d like to meet a nice reasonably normal girl to spend time with. Preferably no crack heads, porn stars, religious cult members, or spoiled bratts
Hello my name is John , I no you get alot of emails from men, but i can honestly say i have read your profile and like what i read and see.
***I JUST MOVED TO CHINA. UNLESS YOU'RE IN CHINA AS WELL, THIS MAY NOT WORK OUT.***
Hello pretty young girl, how are you? you ahve a nice profile. i am interested in knowing about you. email me if you are interested and we start from there. Feel free to email me and i would be happy to hear from you.
good night sweety.
Ok so my friend met a woman on here and after a year or so she turned out to be a nightmare and started treating his kids like they were a nuisance while having 2 of her own.
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