Dodge This Ball: What Not to Do on the First Date

Look anywhere and you can find a list, or video or article on what to do or NOT to do on a first date. They say things like "Be Yourself", "Don't Fidget", or my personal favorite "Don't Drink Too Much".

What the hell? If this date is going down like the Titanic, you better believe I am going to be sucking down the Summer Berry Moscow Mules faster than Christy the Bartender can muddle those berries.
And be yourself? Look, if "yourself" is wearing a Unicorn Onesie to bed while watching Twilight for the 150th time, after you look through the book you made that's all about Channing Tatum. Leave "Yourself" home. Lock it the damn up. Because on the first date, you do not show the crazy.

Which leads me into my list of things NOT to do on a First Date. In no order of importance, because just don't do any of this shit.

1. Please don't wear a cape, or a tutu or any type of costume. This isn't Halloween, and even if it is don't freakin go on a date. Your date doesn't want to see you dressed up as Batman. No capes. And for the love of all that is the force...no light sabers either.

2. Talk about your "glory days". It's great that you were a cheerleader in high school, but you aren't anymore. And does anyone care? Ok, so you peaked in the 11th grade. Thanks for letting us know. Used to get straight A's. Don't care. Won a Science Fair in elementary school. Was Einstein there? If not. Don't care. We are in the here and now. Unless you won an Olympic medal...then you can share that, and I will forgive you if you wear the medal under your clothes for just these circumstances. But, otherwise. Save that life crap for month #2 long deep talks at night.

3. Don't bring anything. No gifts. Nothing nada. So, you had a great conversation about the movie Dodgeball on your little dating website chat thingy. Don't bring them a Dodgeball. Don't bring them the movie, don't bring them popcorn. NOTHING. It's weird. Then you are left holding a damn ball the rest of the night. And it becomes a magnet for other people to come up and ask..."Oh, why do you have a dodgeball? Hee, hee" Cuz, I am about to dodge this chicks ass. That's why.

4. Sort of related to #3. Balloons and flowers. Giving them. Now, this may be controversial...well, at least the flowers part. But, on a first date, it should be all business. Check to see if there is a connection.  If so, move on to date #2 which has totally different rules. But, first dates are no place for a giant ass fish balloon because you met on Plenty of Fish. Or any balloon. Not a smiley face, not a heart.  And flowers. It's a nice gesture, but if you don't like the dude then you are forced to stare at the "bad date flowers" for the next week. On the flip side...it sets up an expectation. Are you going to get flowers on date#2, what about date #5?  Just save it.

5. Offer them anything. I'm not just talking about sex, or whatever. That isn't that type of list. I mean like stuff. Have an extra ticket to the vineyard? Don't offer to give it to them. Have an extra bottle of Johnny Walker that someone left at your house, and your want to seem cool for having it? Don't offer it to them. (That may be a bad example, I don't know anyone who gives away free booze.) Extra book shelf? And they mentioned shopping for a bookshelf. Don't do it. Do not let the words come out of your mouth. You may be excited about meeting this person, and the date is going well. Don't get all Christmas morning on them offering them everything in the world. Same reason you don't bring presents. It's weird.

Hopefully this gets you thinking. Just some little tidbits to help on that excruciating first date. So many things can go wrong. Don't mess it up by being the crazy one.

I Ain't No Bachelorette

Dear ABC...first, let me apologize because I never have actually seen an episode of The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. I have surmised from various media outlets, water cooler chit chat and Facebook (my news life line) what it's all about.
And here is my issue. Sure, throw a couple of beautiful, young, attention seeking singles together, and apparently according to your ratings, it makes for good TV. Look I get it. People want to see some excitement. Be entertained by hoochy dudes macking all over hoochy chicks. But, like I've said...never actually saw an episode. So, I'm just generalizing here. It's fun...check out people trying to find love.

But, what I would really like to present to you is an ACTUAL...FOR REAL singles show. Real people trying to find love. You know women like me. Women who may, or may not have perky breasts, look model ready in a bikini, but who have real lives, real problems, and real phobias about dating. Real stories about guys showing up with giant Dory balloons on the first date, and really not looking like their pictures since 1996. That's what we need. Real Reality. Not this made for TV scripted crap...have you even ever met anyone named Jo Jo? We need real life.

You need a chick who worries that her ass cheeks are chafing on the first date because of the thong she is wearing. She picked up the thong on sale at TJ MAXX, because her last boyfriend maxed out her credit cards and she can't afford the nice panties. But, she didn't want to wear the old panties, because what if he turns out to be normal, and wants to see those panties. The struggle is real people. Let's see her.

Or the dude who isn't really single because he is waiting for the "financial stuff" to get worked out with his soon to be ex-wife and his 6 kids. And all 6 kids may or may not belong to him, but he never wanted to ask for a paternity test. And the ex-wife has a handy-man who is handying around a lot, and his kids are calling him Daddy Dan. Come on...let's see this guy on a date.

Let's see the woman who who brings along her Pomeranian in a sparkly purse to the first date so she can meet her new "Daddy Waddy", then drinks 4 Cosmos, let's the dog down to pee under a bar stool and demands her date drives her to Taco Bell for crunchy tacos.

And you know you are dying to see this guy on dating show...the dude who shows up dressed as a pirate, and keeps asking if you want to walk his gang plank. Then goes and sings George Michael at Karaoke. Yes, he does have an eye patch.

I don't really know any of these people...they are just suggestions. Really. I swear. Stop acting like you don't believe me.

But, I want to see them. The real stuff...all the good, bad and crazy. So what if the "contestants" aren't perfect. Life isn't perfect.

Give us a real damn dating show.