How much is that doggie in the window?

Online dating is kinda like going to the pet store to buy a new puppy. You look in the cages, see who has the brightest eyes, cutest shaggy fur, and who's looks at you with their tongue sticking out. When you go to the pet store, you look for "that" puppy. You know that one that looks like it is going to have some spunk, personality, is cute and you won't mind too much when it pees on the carpet. You don't go looking for a puppy with gooky eyes, matted fur and who sits in the corner of its cage licking itself. You want a good puppy.

And in the online dating world, you can look through profiles...see who looks like they have a good car, normal friends...and is cute enough enough that you mind if they get drunk and pee on the carpet. It's really very similar.

Let's face it...if I were a puppy in the pet store I would have vodka in my bowl,I would be chasing my tail and would have two other puppies hanging out with me eating all my food. Not exactly fancy, smancy doggie show material. It takes a special kinda of person to want that puppy. Not everyone who walks into the pet store is going to want to buy it a dog house with a heated bed, or a little purse to be carried around in.

I know that my therapist (my pretend one, because I can't actually commit to having one) would not like my use of the "puppy" analogy...but it's hard not to let this online thing get to you. I sit in a cage day after day and let people check me out while I hear sounds of "it's a hard knock life.." in my head. (that's actually a good thing...it drowns out the other voices)

I'm not sure how much longer I am going to sit in the cage hoping that someone will want to take me home...but until I have had enough, I am going to drink up the vodka in my bowl, chase my tail a little bit more and make sure that those other puppies who hang out with me and eat all my food look cute too...because we make a really nice package deal to take home.

Jiggles is Not a College

It's been about a year since I started this strange little trip down the husband search highway. And it that year, I have been out on a couple of dates, chatted up a couple of dudes online, email, texted and even chatted up a few beer bellied hosers in the grocery store. Yeah...I meant hoser. Winking at the old man in Walmart counts too...Still, I am not any closer to finding a husband. Hell, I am not any closer to finding someone to take me to Sonic on a monthly basis.

In the past year, not much has changed. Lindsay Lohan is still a hobag, my ex husband still refuses to pay child support and I still can't get over the fact that those fly ass shoes I bought at Kohls broke on me at the mall. Life goes on.
I did have a few interesting dilemmas this week...I had two guys email me and text me. Then ask me out. I guess this doesn't sound so weird on the surface...but exchanging one sentence via text and looking at someone's picture online does not make for a great lead in to "wanna do something tomorrow". It feels too rushed. It feels like creep craigslist killer weird. I just couldn't do it. THEN, on the flip side, way on the flip side we have the International Man of Mystery who doesn't want to do anything but email. We were supposed to go out tonight, but he let me know via email that he had to work. Whatever. I am more and more convinced that this guy has a wife and kids in Hoboken. Or at the very least a Latvian mail order bride locked away in a townhouse in Harrisburg.

So, my point is..that not much has changed over the past year. But, maybe it should. Maybe I need to change my profile. I originally wrote my profile to be light and airy and funny, yet wittifully (it's word...don't go scrabble on me) attractive to the opposite sex. I didn't want my profile to scream "desperate" or "wackjob crazy". So, I keep it short. But, I think that for the next year of searching (oh god...another year!!!), I should write a new profile. One that is more in line with what I am looking for, and really gives me future suitors a look into my life. Something like this:

Cute..Slightly chubby 39 year old, maturity challenged woman looking for a not unattractive mature man. I know mature and man sometimes do not go together, so if you still eat only cereal and live with your mother, you are not the guy for me.
Do not send me pictures of yourself with your 78 Trans Am, your buddies deer hunting, or of you topless holding a cat.

I am not opposed to facial hair, as long as you facial hair does not intermingle with your hairy arse. I prefer my men to bathe regularly and possess some sort of formal education outside of "Jiggles" strip club. You should not be bothered when I eventially troll through your wallet, cell phone and email inbox looking for signs of infidelity. I will also track your every move online, jsut to be safe.

Despite being fiercely independent, I will want you to buy me an expensive foreign car, and a house bigger than my sisters. If you do not have the means to buy said car or house...you are not the man for me. I will hid my thousands of dollars of debt from you, while buying shoes to fill the void that you already leave in my life.
You should not smell. You should have a cell phone and want to use it to call me, and you will not refer to any part of my anatomy in an email, or text prior to actually having seen said body part. I will not participate in sexting, or webcam streaking.

If you think we could have fun talking...send me an email. Can't wait to talk! : )