As I spend more time on the dating sites, I have noticed some common themes in the male profiles. I read about what they are looking for, who they are...but what I need to do is look past what they are typing and get to the heart of what they are really trying to say.
So, I have created the following online dating translator...now before I launch into what it all means...let me first provide my credentials for creating the translator.
I have been online dating for almost 18 months, and have successfully engaged in over a hundred email conversations, give or take a hundred and with more than one person...I am currently not in a relationship, however I expect that sometime in 2013 I may or may not be. Almost 100% of my dates acknowledge my presence at least 25% of the time, and I have been described as both amazing and a mad genius. I have utilized e-harmony, match.com, plentyoffish, chemistry, evow, zoosk and okcupid to patrol for "material" for this blog...and as a result can spot any new daters in the age range of 33-45 in a 30 mile radius of Palmyra.
Let's translate...shall we?
If the profile, or the dater says:
I'm an entrepreneur...it really means they are either unemployed or work at Burger King.
Looking to be friends first....means they just want to get in your pants.
Looking for a nice girl...again, means that they just want to get in your pants. But, they don't want anyone else in your pants either.
I am a simple guy...means I don't like to work too hard to get in your pants, and really just want someone to bring me wings and beer.
I like to have fun...I am going to want to get into your pants in a public place.
I'm honest and trustworthy...I get into alot of girls pants...but pretend like I haven't had pants in a while.
Ready to take it slow...I am not looking to get into your pants, but I want to chat about getting into them.
I have many interests...I am not picky about color or size of the pants.
One of the few good guys left...I will wait until the second, maybe third date before trying to get into your pants...and by date, I mean coffee.
So...it's must my translator, purely subjective...but, you know my credentials...and odds are I am right.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's the End of the World As We Know It
So, yes...we had a earthquake. Hurricane expected to hit this weekend, and last night I watched the movie 2012. While this particular "end of the world" movie was certainly no Armageddon, or even that other one with Pierce Brosnan and the lava...all combined it made me think a little bit about my own mortality.
I tend to be a life is too short kind of person...I mean my shoe collection is based on that very principal. But, all of this gloom and doom can take it's toll on a girl. I decided that maybe I just need to settle for the first guy who is up for the challenge of spending time with me when I am not wearing makeup. I mean, who cares if he smells...that can be fixed. Who cares if he annoys me? I can drink more wine. Who cares if he can't spell the name of the town where he lives...everyone has a weakness. What really is so wrong with settling? I know I deserve the best...but if the world is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe I just need someone who breathes regularly and isn't a pedophile. It's not exactly the best....or even good, but it's something, right?
I may try this settling thing out...just to see how it goes. I have pulled together some potentials below...let me know what you think?
I am looking for an Easy A. You don't play mind games and don't have to work that hard. I am supposed to write about four sentences here but I just want to look at you. I have a background in photography, commercial art and architecture. I need someone that likes
what I like right away.
I am currently employed by the federal government that has me traveling constantly. So it makes it tough to meet ladies without getting in trouble in new unfamiliar areas
Always respect the pimp hand and remember pimpin' ain't easy!
just a santa claus looking for my ms claus so it will be christmas all year long.i love to dress up as santa every year for the resident .
I tend to be a life is too short kind of person...I mean my shoe collection is based on that very principal. But, all of this gloom and doom can take it's toll on a girl. I decided that maybe I just need to settle for the first guy who is up for the challenge of spending time with me when I am not wearing makeup. I mean, who cares if he smells...that can be fixed. Who cares if he annoys me? I can drink more wine. Who cares if he can't spell the name of the town where he lives...everyone has a weakness. What really is so wrong with settling? I know I deserve the best...but if the world is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe I just need someone who breathes regularly and isn't a pedophile. It's not exactly the best....or even good, but it's something, right?
I may try this settling thing out...just to see how it goes. I have pulled together some potentials below...let me know what you think?
I am looking for an Easy A. You don't play mind games and don't have to work that hard. I am supposed to write about four sentences here but I just want to look at you. I have a background in photography, commercial art and architecture. I need someone that likes
what I like right away.
I am currently employed by the federal government that has me traveling constantly. So it makes it tough to meet ladies without getting in trouble in new unfamiliar areas
Always respect the pimp hand and remember pimpin' ain't easy!
just a santa claus looking for my ms claus so it will be christmas all year long.i love to dress up as santa every year for the resident .
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Reindeer Games
Bet ur fun...this is the note I got from a guy online yesterday. While he may have already heard that yes, I am fun ( I mean I do have that billboard on Hwy 81)...this as a pick up line is about as effective as Congress.
So, I decided to play Reindeer games, just to see what kind of fun this guy was looking for online. Definition of Reindeer games: engaging in chatting, email or texting with the intent of flirting, with potential for sexual overtones. This is my definition...and before anyone gets the wrong idea...I wasn't going to actually get involved in full contact Reindeer games...I just wanted to see where it would go. Call this an experiment. So, I said: "As a matter of fact, I am fun." To which he responded..."mmmm...sounds good .I like fun. " EW!!!! I feel the need wash from head to toe, just from that note. I mean it's not that bad, but still gross. I just placed an order for a case of hand sanitizer...but is it still called "hand sanitizer" if you don't use it on your hands? Just a thought?
It's interesting because I also got an email from another guy this week telling me that if I was interested in FWB (friends with benefits), that I should give him a shout. First problem with his email was, well...all of the words. Second, no picture. I mean really? Come on, if you are soliciting women for FWB...you need to sell the goods. Not to mention the fact that apparently he was negotiable on the "friends" part.
Don't get me wrong...I don't meet only losers online. I actually have had several really positive experiences...that never make it to the blog. I don't like to write about the ones I actually might want to be friends with...only the creeps.
For instance...my texting while driving psychotherapist, I met online on Match. He earns this name for some obvious reasons...and for being able to sum up my personality and all it's quirks pretty thoroughly. Believe it or not...he used to give me topics for emails conversations such as "Kermit the Frog: Was his decision to leave Sesame Street voluntary or Involuntary". Funny, funny stuff...we are friends now. He just happens to be emotionally unavailable with a complex subplot. That's ok...because now I have a smart ass friend who offers to bust up my bad dates and occasionally makes me laugh so hard I wet myself like a kool-aid drinking 2 year old. And I amuse him...sort of like a squeekie toy.
I do seem to have a knack for finding complex guys, similar to Vicki Vale and Batman's relationship...but that is a blog for another time.
Profiles of the week:
Warning: Some are R rated.
big flirt I love to kiss and touch lol couple of drinks and dinner then go from there .
If you are honest and fun and like to flirt lets meet , someone is funny sexy big chest lol well any size is fine , I like to laught and have fun in alot of ways . I hate to type I am better in person, so lets ]just get together and meet then go from there , what else do i need to say i am cute
Ball and chain removed, seeking new one
If your boobs have come untucked,
If you're making a face like a duck,
If you own a pair of skinny jeans,
Then I think you're out of luck
hi ever1 well lets start off what i do for fun i love to jump on my bike and take i road i never took before just to see where it leads me stopped in one of them small towns where ever1 knows ever1 an
Needs a good peice of p***y.
i like to play basketball and wiffe ball and football and i watch ufc and fanstany factory and ufc and like to movies and to bars and go dancing when i can i want to get married and i dont want to have kids at all i rock and rap and dancing
Ok...So after being on here for a while now, I am able to make an assessment of my experience.
Fuk you, Fuk you, Fuk you, You're Cool, Fuk you, and........Fuk you.
So, I decided to play Reindeer games, just to see what kind of fun this guy was looking for online. Definition of Reindeer games: engaging in chatting, email or texting with the intent of flirting, with potential for sexual overtones. This is my definition...and before anyone gets the wrong idea...I wasn't going to actually get involved in full contact Reindeer games...I just wanted to see where it would go. Call this an experiment. So, I said: "As a matter of fact, I am fun." To which he responded..."mmmm...sounds good .I like fun. " EW!!!! I feel the need wash from head to toe, just from that note. I mean it's not that bad, but still gross. I just placed an order for a case of hand sanitizer...but is it still called "hand sanitizer" if you don't use it on your hands? Just a thought?
It's interesting because I also got an email from another guy this week telling me that if I was interested in FWB (friends with benefits), that I should give him a shout. First problem with his email was, well...all of the words. Second, no picture. I mean really? Come on, if you are soliciting women for FWB...you need to sell the goods. Not to mention the fact that apparently he was negotiable on the "friends" part.
Don't get me wrong...I don't meet only losers online. I actually have had several really positive experiences...that never make it to the blog. I don't like to write about the ones I actually might want to be friends with...only the creeps.
For instance...my texting while driving psychotherapist, I met online on Match. He earns this name for some obvious reasons...and for being able to sum up my personality and all it's quirks pretty thoroughly. Believe it or not...he used to give me topics for emails conversations such as "Kermit the Frog: Was his decision to leave Sesame Street voluntary or Involuntary". Funny, funny stuff...we are friends now. He just happens to be emotionally unavailable with a complex subplot. That's ok...because now I have a smart ass friend who offers to bust up my bad dates and occasionally makes me laugh so hard I wet myself like a kool-aid drinking 2 year old. And I amuse him...sort of like a squeekie toy.
I do seem to have a knack for finding complex guys, similar to Vicki Vale and Batman's relationship...but that is a blog for another time.
Profiles of the week:
Warning: Some are R rated.
big flirt I love to kiss and touch lol couple of drinks and dinner then go from there .
If you are honest and fun and like to flirt lets meet , someone is funny sexy big chest lol well any size is fine , I like to laught and have fun in alot of ways . I hate to type I am better in person, so lets ]just get together and meet then go from there , what else do i need to say i am cute
Ball and chain removed, seeking new one
If your boobs have come untucked,
If you're making a face like a duck,
If you own a pair of skinny jeans,
Then I think you're out of luck
hi ever1 well lets start off what i do for fun i love to jump on my bike and take i road i never took before just to see where it leads me stopped in one of them small towns where ever1 knows ever1 an
Needs a good peice of p***y.
i like to play basketball and wiffe ball and football and i watch ufc and fanstany factory and ufc and like to movies and to bars and go dancing when i can i want to get married and i dont want to have kids at all i rock and rap and dancing
Ok...So after being on here for a while now, I am able to make an assessment of my experience.
Fuk you, Fuk you, Fuk you, You're Cool, Fuk you, and........Fuk you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Speed Dating-Part 2 or Why I love Pudding
When we last met with our blonde and adorably prudish heroine...she was discussing Freud during the adult version of Ice Breakers 101 at Speed Dating. So...after discussing Freud, complete with someone making a daddy joke...we moved onto another table of men.
This table was interested in knowing what the weirdest food anyone had ever eaten. Now...you can't get a bunch of horny adults together, mention food and not get some some crude and rude remarks. I believe if I remember correctly that rocky mountain oysters took the conversation to a whole new level.
This seems like a good time to introduce another one of the merry cast of characters..."B". Now, "B" had been at the bar since 4 pm drinking and proudly bellowed to us all that he worked for the Department of Corrections...and that yes, he had been in jail. Not sure why typing rocky mountain oysters reminded me of "B"...but I decided to go with it.
At the next table we run into Steve. I can't actually remember Steve's name, but he reminded me of Steve Urkel so now his name is Steve. Steve's big line of the night was to discuss the timeline of the road construction in Hershey. Woooo hooo.....nothing is more attractive than discussing traffic, hardhats and bulldozers. Who am I to judge? Not like I whipped out any thought provoking lines, other than I capitalizing on my candy job.
The interesting thing about this whole experience was that I wasn't even nervous, or uptight about the evening. Which is so unlike me...but in all honesty I had spent the previous week alternating between all sorts of emotions about my love life...and speed dating was playing second in my mind...let's find out what I was really thinking about...shall we?
I had met a "nice" guy online...or at least I thought he was nice. He said all of the things that I wanted to hear...I had a nice smile, he thought I was pretty and that it was really cool that I was into baseball. He thought I rocked. Who doesn't want to hear that!!! Plus, he seemed real...he sent me texts from a baseball game, he wanted to know about my day...it all seemed like it was heading in a good direction. He acted like he liked me...so I went with it.
We made plans to go out...then the phone calls started. He called me a couple of times at night for a couple of hours...and it was fun to talk to him. I got caught up in being pursued....
The day of our date arrived...and my collective group of female friends has discussed, planned and approved my wardrobe choices, hairstyle and underwear choices. Long story short...yeah, I know I am skimping on details...date was great, we hung out again...and bada boom, bada bing...haven't heard from him since. WTF?
Evidence shows that he might be a serial online dater. Usually I am pretty good at scoping these guys out, but as I have said...I got caught up in being pursued.
One of the things that I have forgotten about this online dating process, or any dating process is that it is all a game. As much as I hate playing personal life games, there is no way to avoid it. And just like in strip Monopoly...oh, wait I mean just regular Monopoly...you want to win the game.
But, I am not upset about how the things with the "nice guy-who's not so nice" turned out, or even upset about how speed dating went. (still owe you another story...and it is good!!!)I am just trying to figure it all out. Recently a friend told me that I don't need a nice guy, but I really need an honest guy who is not so nice. I might hold to him to that...but in the mean time I'm just going with the flow.. And if that doesn't work, Florida is full of 75 year old retired military guys who love blondes. I bet they wouldn't disappear...unless it was to refill the Viagra prescription...but I am not sure I can live on social security and eat pudding all day. Hmmm.....maybe the pudding is ok.
This table was interested in knowing what the weirdest food anyone had ever eaten. Now...you can't get a bunch of horny adults together, mention food and not get some some crude and rude remarks. I believe if I remember correctly that rocky mountain oysters took the conversation to a whole new level.
This seems like a good time to introduce another one of the merry cast of characters..."B". Now, "B" had been at the bar since 4 pm drinking and proudly bellowed to us all that he worked for the Department of Corrections...and that yes, he had been in jail. Not sure why typing rocky mountain oysters reminded me of "B"...but I decided to go with it.
At the next table we run into Steve. I can't actually remember Steve's name, but he reminded me of Steve Urkel so now his name is Steve. Steve's big line of the night was to discuss the timeline of the road construction in Hershey. Woooo hooo.....nothing is more attractive than discussing traffic, hardhats and bulldozers. Who am I to judge? Not like I whipped out any thought provoking lines, other than I capitalizing on my candy job.
The interesting thing about this whole experience was that I wasn't even nervous, or uptight about the evening. Which is so unlike me...but in all honesty I had spent the previous week alternating between all sorts of emotions about my love life...and speed dating was playing second in my mind...let's find out what I was really thinking about...shall we?
I had met a "nice" guy online...or at least I thought he was nice. He said all of the things that I wanted to hear...I had a nice smile, he thought I was pretty and that it was really cool that I was into baseball. He thought I rocked. Who doesn't want to hear that!!! Plus, he seemed real...he sent me texts from a baseball game, he wanted to know about my day...it all seemed like it was heading in a good direction. He acted like he liked me...so I went with it.
We made plans to go out...then the phone calls started. He called me a couple of times at night for a couple of hours...and it was fun to talk to him. I got caught up in being pursued....
The day of our date arrived...and my collective group of female friends has discussed, planned and approved my wardrobe choices, hairstyle and underwear choices. Long story short...yeah, I know I am skimping on details...date was great, we hung out again...and bada boom, bada bing...haven't heard from him since. WTF?
Evidence shows that he might be a serial online dater. Usually I am pretty good at scoping these guys out, but as I have said...I got caught up in being pursued.
One of the things that I have forgotten about this online dating process, or any dating process is that it is all a game. As much as I hate playing personal life games, there is no way to avoid it. And just like in strip Monopoly...oh, wait I mean just regular Monopoly...you want to win the game.
But, I am not upset about how the things with the "nice guy-who's not so nice" turned out, or even upset about how speed dating went. (still owe you another story...and it is good!!!)I am just trying to figure it all out. Recently a friend told me that I don't need a nice guy, but I really need an honest guy who is not so nice. I might hold to him to that...but in the mean time I'm just going with the flow.. And if that doesn't work, Florida is full of 75 year old retired military guys who love blondes. I bet they wouldn't disappear...unless it was to refill the Viagra prescription...but I am not sure I can live on social security and eat pudding all day. Hmmm.....maybe the pudding is ok.
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