Here Fishy, Fishy

 First let me start by saying that I am a big girl, and I can handle myself. This blog is to really highlight how easy it is to get cat fished online. Because if I know what to watch out for, and I fall for it...how does anyone else have a chance? 

Catfishing...if you aren't familiar with the term, it is when someone pretends to be someone else online by using their picture or info. In my case, it was for online dating. You don't see if so much on the paid sites...but on Facebook Dating is is everywhere. 

These predators steal images and information to pass themselves off as someone else. They prey on people looking to make a connection. It's sick and twisted...and in some cases it can be catastrophic emotionally and financially. 

I ran into my first catfish last week posing as an Airline pilot. For those longtime readers of the blog, you may remember my feelings on airline pilots. I mean I wouldn't mind if one wanted to strap me in...or invited me to his cockpit. He can get me to cruising altitude anytime. Sooooo much good pilot material people. Loosen up. Anyway...I like a pilot. 

This particular airline pilot worked for Qatar, and had great pics of him all over the world. He liked me, I liked him. We exchanged numbers. I asked questions about where he was based out of and his schedule. He went off to warm up his plane, and we chatted later the next day. Do pilots even talk like that? Warm up the plane? It's not a Dodge Durango in the dead of winter. 

He sent me a another photo. This one struck me as odd. Kind of looked like something taken out of a magazine. I mean...Hot, Hot, Hot. But, because there were other pics more informal I brushed it aside. Mistake #1. 

Now, typically the catfishers aren't big on talking on the phone. But, this one was. He called in between one of his flights...very quickly I realized that this guy did not go to a high school in Virginia or have anything close to half American parents. He had a very, very thick accent. Also, he had told me that he was based out of West Palm Beach. Qatar doesn't fly out of West Palm. And tried to tell me that Qatar only pays him one time a year in January. This was part of the beginning of a cash set up...I believe. 

I quickly got off the phone with him, reported his profile and blocked all of his contact. 

Luckily I didn't share much info with him, so I don't feel like I'm at any risk. But, it's important for people to remember that you don't know these people. And you should guard your personal information very closely. Don't give out anything you have as a security question....I mean if Mr. Fuzzy Bottoms was the name of your first cat, and the security question on your 401K...please don't tell anyone. Mr. Fuzzy Bottoms doesn't want you to end up on Dr. Phil. 

The second catfish I had, I knew was a catfish and I wanted to see how it played out.  Pretty quickly this catfish showed that he didn't have the best grasp of the English language. Which leads me to my next call out. If it looks like a fish, and smells like a fish...it's probably a fish. In this case...this guy texted pretty strangely to be from Westminster, Maryland. Even though...you know...Maryland. 

From the beginning he wanted to get off text and go to Google Chat or What's App. This is a huge red flag!! If someone really wants to talk to you...text is fine. You don't need google chat for a better user experience. That's all BS. 

The other thing about this fish, was that his pictures didn't jive with where he said he was from. He had pictures from the desert...but, again...Maryland is where he lived. He spoke very formally in his texts...and made no mention of going to any of the theme parks in Orlando. NONE. I mean, I know people come here for other things...but, not with a 13 year old daughter. Giant Red Flag. He didn't even mention anything other than a pool. Weirdo...

So, my next recommendation is to pay attention to context in the photos. Says he's at the gym...but, doesn't look like a gym? Says he's at a pool in Orlando, but there are giant mountains in the background...nope, sorry. Probably just a fishy, fishy, fish. 

Now, this dude knew my birthday...which should have freaked me out, but it was right there on my profile. Duh! Not the year...just the day. And Mr. Fish claimed that his birthday was the same day. Now as Leroy Jethro Gibbs says in NCIS "There is no such thing as a coincidence". 

Knowing all of these things, I pushed him to give me a call. Because I wanted to see this play out. So...he called and what do you know...he did not have a Maryland accent. He spoke very quietly like if he was quiet that I would not notice he was from a freaking foreign country. 

I broke the connection. Reported his profile and blocked all his contact. I wish I knew who the guys were who had their stuff stolen, so they would know (and cuz they were hot)...but, reverse image search didn't pan out. Which will have to be a topic for another day. 

I've included a good article down below that has a ton of great points on this...but, let's recap my thoughts on how to avoid this all together. 

1. Pay attention. Look at pics. Be aware of how they talk, what they say...be AWARE. 

2. Don't give out too much info on yourself. Remember those security questions. Keep it locked up tight. 

3. Watch for red flags like jumping to a message app, or everything is a coincidence. 

4. And try to have fun...but, don't put too much emotion into it. Just be safe and be aware. And never, never give money to anyone you meet online. I hope that one goes without saying. 

Article 

Dodge This Ball: What Not to Do on the First Date

Look anywhere and you can find a list, or video or article on what to do or NOT to do on a first date. They say things like "Be Yourself", "Don't Fidget", or my personal favorite "Don't Drink Too Much".

What the hell? If this date is going down like the Titanic, you better believe I am going to be sucking down the Summer Berry Moscow Mules faster than Christy the Bartender can muddle those berries.
And be yourself? Look, if "yourself" is wearing a Unicorn Onesie to bed while watching Twilight for the 150th time, after you look through the book you made that's all about Channing Tatum. Leave "Yourself" home. Lock it the damn up. Because on the first date, you do not show the crazy.

Which leads me into my list of things NOT to do on a First Date. In no order of importance, because just don't do any of this shit.

1. Please don't wear a cape, or a tutu or any type of costume. This isn't Halloween, and even if it is don't freakin go on a date. Your date doesn't want to see you dressed up as Batman. No capes. And for the love of all that is the force...no light sabers either.

2. Talk about your "glory days". It's great that you were a cheerleader in high school, but you aren't anymore. And does anyone care? Ok, so you peaked in the 11th grade. Thanks for letting us know. Used to get straight A's. Don't care. Won a Science Fair in elementary school. Was Einstein there? If not. Don't care. We are in the here and now. Unless you won an Olympic medal...then you can share that, and I will forgive you if you wear the medal under your clothes for just these circumstances. But, otherwise. Save that life crap for month #2 long deep talks at night.

3. Don't bring anything. No gifts. Nothing nada. So, you had a great conversation about the movie Dodgeball on your little dating website chat thingy. Don't bring them a Dodgeball. Don't bring them the movie, don't bring them popcorn. NOTHING. It's weird. Then you are left holding a damn ball the rest of the night. And it becomes a magnet for other people to come up and ask..."Oh, why do you have a dodgeball? Hee, hee" Cuz, I am about to dodge this chicks ass. That's why.

4. Sort of related to #3. Balloons and flowers. Giving them. Now, this may be controversial...well, at least the flowers part. But, on a first date, it should be all business. Check to see if there is a connection.  If so, move on to date #2 which has totally different rules. But, first dates are no place for a giant ass fish balloon because you met on Plenty of Fish. Or any balloon. Not a smiley face, not a heart.  And flowers. It's a nice gesture, but if you don't like the dude then you are forced to stare at the "bad date flowers" for the next week. On the flip side...it sets up an expectation. Are you going to get flowers on date#2, what about date #5?  Just save it.

5. Offer them anything. I'm not just talking about sex, or whatever. That isn't that type of list. I mean like stuff. Have an extra ticket to the vineyard? Don't offer to give it to them. Have an extra bottle of Johnny Walker that someone left at your house, and your want to seem cool for having it? Don't offer it to them. (That may be a bad example, I don't know anyone who gives away free booze.) Extra book shelf? And they mentioned shopping for a bookshelf. Don't do it. Do not let the words come out of your mouth. You may be excited about meeting this person, and the date is going well. Don't get all Christmas morning on them offering them everything in the world. Same reason you don't bring presents. It's weird.

Hopefully this gets you thinking. Just some little tidbits to help on that excruciating first date. So many things can go wrong. Don't mess it up by being the crazy one.

I don't think that's from KFC

I think it’s time to move my focus away from the breakup and onto new topics of discussion. I’m not really ready to date…but say I was. Maybe I need to take better precautions this time to screen out suitors for possible deal breaking qualities. You know mitigate my risk of ever ending up dating anyone with the emotional IQ of 5. Hey look, I get that my emotional IQ is 25. Still higher than 5 though.

So, I feel like I need to incorporate some more screening procedures into the search.

 

1. Home Visit: They do home visits for security clearance. Why is this any less important than national security? Maybe he is a hoarder. Maybe he hasn't vacuumed in 2 or 3 years. Maybe he still sleeps with a Buzz Lightyear pillow. Does he have a secret roommate who lives under the porch. Is his roommate still his ex-wife. Does he even have a room? Or is this a sleeping on someone's couch kind of thing.

All really, really important things to know before you start dating someone.

 

2. Family Tree Review: Say he is related to Jeffrey Dahmer. You may want to know this. Because your are dating a couple of months, he says "Hey, wanna be my date to the family reunion?"  If he is from a nice Polish family from Baltimore, that's no problem. If he's from a family with a cannibal...you might not want to go eat fried chicken with them. Just saying.

 

3. Technical Skills: I don't want to go so far as to ask for an Excel test...But I'm talking like basic 2015 kind of stuff. If he says, "write your number down on a piece of paper".  You may want to assume that he's probably carrying around a flip phone from 2001. And any cute picture you want to send him, is going to take so long to download on that thing...you might as well mail it. Yes, mail. You know that thing we used to do with stamps. If your middle name is Apple. This might not be the best match for you. Hell, if your middle name is anything that starts with a letter of the alphabet, this might not be the best match for you.

 

This is just a start. There are lots of behavioral tests we could give, reference checks. It would be like getting a job. And I am good at running background checks. If he had even run a red light in Hoboken, I would find that shit.

I mean, like I said. I am really not ready to start dating yet. He may be tearing up the dating sites. But, I sort of still need to get over it. He apparently already is over it. Kudos to him for being able to forget the last 2 1/2 years, minus the two times he went on a Boyfriend Leave of Absence. We won't talk about that.

But, anyway peeps. Thanks for reading, and if you are loving the one you are with. Remind them. The grass isn't always greener on the dating side.

 

 

I'm Yelling Tinder!!!

Tinder!!!! Where the hell is Pittbull when you need him?

I read this article about how the Olympian's are all using a dating app called Tinder. So, of course...I immediately thought, Well, Hell....if it's good enough for a highly tuned athlete in an international country, competing for the biggest prize of their lives, it's good enough for me!

Let me first say, that it's way too soon. I have no desire to date. But, I love a dating app like I love booze. Like I love a frosted donut. Like I love any joke that makes fun of a Kardashian. Have I mentioned yet how I think Bruce Jenner looks like Billie Jean King? No disrespect to Billie...but come on, Bruce is seriously channeling the 1970's.

But, of course...I digress. So, Tinder. There was like NO ONE under the age of 25. It was a plethora of guys, who I am pretty sure are IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! It may have been the backpack selfie in the bathroom that gave it away...but OMG. I may exaggerate slightly. I did run into Ron, who was 39 and wearing an Aeropostale t-shirt and a greasy comb-over. Or William who is 49, and in his bathroom selfie, is wearing a suit (no tie), but complete with hands in pockets, self assured pose...standing near his toilet. Wait, did you notice I used a big word back there...plethora. Thank you Master's Degreee!!! I'm pretty sure that as I was running through my list of "local" men...that I ran into at least one co-worker's son. Nauseous, is sort of how I am feeling. And slightly pervy. All I did was look, and they are just normal photos...I mean this isn't porn, but I feel yucky. They are too young. Or I'm too old. I don't know...but it's weird. I did not see any Olympian's, especially since it only picks people in your area, and clearly they are not hanging in Lebanon County, PA. And not just because we are in the middle of a Snowapocalypse.

I think my little experiment to look into Tinder scarred me for life. I may never date again. At least not by any app that people who have defined leg muscles, and clearly defined waists use. I'm just setting myself up for failure with that one.

Hey...if you like the blog, Pass it along to your peeps. Readership is currently 12, and I love all of you. Muffin basket in the mail. Promise, mean it. But, I would love to try to expand this thing. Call it my hobby, since I don't have a boyfriend anymore and my children think my love for showtunes is weird. Share it. I promise to make you laugh.

What's your password, again?

Inspired in part by a conversation with some high school friends..shout out to my Georgia Peeps!!! and partially inspired by the reunion of the Spice Girls at the Olympics..."If you wannabe my lover,  you have got to give..taking is too easy...Oh, tell me what you want...what ya really, really want..." I have decided to use my powers for good and not evil and create an online dating checklist. I love a list. And I need to help my more trusting fellow online daters with navigating the sharky infested waters of love. "People of the World...Spice Up Your Life!!" And I wanted an excuse to quote the Spice Girls...

1. If the guy/girl tells you they love on the first date, or want to be with you in eternal slumber...RUN.
2. If the guy/girl wants to move across 5 states to be with you after meeting just once... RUN.
3. If he asks if you want to blow his whistle baby...he's not talking orange safety whistle. RUN.
4. If they ask for your social security number, mothers maiden name and the birthdates of all of your children...Say nothing and RUN!
Just for clarification...I am talking about actual running, not funny literary running. I mean haul ass.
5. If they send you texts every 5 minutes telling you how much they miss you. And you've never met...RUN.
6. If they want to take you on a long, long hike...and want you to leave your cell phone at home...RUN. Preferably before they are chasing you ala Hunger Games in a dense forest.
7. Google their phone number, and if you find out that they like to post ads looking for a "massage"...RUN.
8. If anything BUT references to helping homeless animals or going to church comes up when you google their phone number...RUN.
9. If they are separated and are just looking to see what is out there...and don't have a picture posted...they are hiding something. Hopefully it not that they have a husband locked in the attic eating arsenic cookies, but always be leery of those without photos. RUN.
10. If their picture looks like a mug shot. It is. RUN.
11. If they ask where you are, more than once in a text conversation...RUN. Because dating is when they are on their "good" behavior...
12. If they pull out a measuring tape at dinner...to measure about much skin you might give...RUN.
13. If they want to meet at your house for the first date, it's not because they want to see your snowglobe collection. RUN.
14. Have a backup plan for the first date, make sure you meet in a public place and that if it goes badly someone you trust is onhand to come in and start yellling about how you are cheating on your husband/wife and the newborn baby at home...and why the hell would you go out when you know darn well you are in the middle of a Herpes breakout.

I hope this list has been  helpful...I myself will be using the list on Sunday when I meet a self-proclaimed deadhead, former distance cyclist/camping enthusiast. I haven't had the heart to tell him that my idea of camping is making a blanket fort in the living room and eating meat on a stick. Should be fun, just as long as he doesn't want to go hiking...in the woods, with a tape measure.

No Fireworks for the Fourth

Let's face it, I don't have the best luck with men. Oh, sure some, maybe one or two the of guys I have dated haven't turned out to be TOTAL creeps. A few did...but not all. (Stop it, I'm not talking about you...but I am talking about you. ) A couple of them have even done very well since escaping from me. I haven't heard how Mike from the 1st grade turned out, I am going to assume that he is a serial killer and locked up in a maximum security prison in Kentucky where he online dates from the prison computer room.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have graduated (gotta love personal growth) from emotionally unavailable men, straight to selfish assholes who don't know how to use proper social conventions. Of course, I previously was not a fan of proper social conventions as they sometimes become a  crutch for people to act out their nastiness in a more polite manner. Screw that...say what ya mean, mean what you say. Just don't be an appendage when you do it. Unless you are really hot and have insane abs...then you can do whatever. Hold on a moment, I am thinking about Armyguy...hottest guy I have every gone out with, and he knows it...but I didn't care. I avoided Army guys for my entire adult life, for a very good reason. But, this guy made me want to go jump in a tank. Literally. Like for fun.

Anyway...but, if someone is asked over for dinner...and I am talking full courses, homemade and not from a can...and then is unable to attend for whatever reason, say a car issue or because  his Aunt Bertha has an intestinal problem...then he should  make his apologies and offer to reschedule. BUT, NOOOOOO...I don't date guys who apologize for anything good. I date guys that ignore me, and pretend that I don't exist except when it is convenient for them or I can offer them some amusement like the cat toy that I am. We can talk all day about why I let myself be the cat toy, but my psychotherapist is on vacation, so we will table that one for later. I did hit up the back up therapist, who despite being the founding member of the douchebag club has redeemed himself by giving me good dating advice (who would have thought), but we don't get too in depth into my psyche. Scary, scary place.

AND...while I am at it. What is up with the not responding to text messages, emails thing? Do you think that if you don't respond we will forget that we sent you a message?Oh, silly me...I can't remember what I was doing with this shiny square device that makes phone calls and shows me those upset birds.It's not like we are always asking you anything hard. I mean, simple questions.How is your day?  What do you want to do tomorrow? Are we writing it in the wrong language? Do we need to send you a piece of paper written in crayon, so you get it? I'm just so confused. Dating shouldn't be this hard. It should be simple, uncomplicated, but include conversations, dates and holding hands. Look, I know I am not perfect and women are complex too. I'm just saying, can't we just all get out of our heads and freakin get on with life. Date, not date, love, not love, show up for dinner,  figure it out and move on. I really wanted some fireworks for the 4th of July...you know what I'm saying...Fireworks. Guess I am stuck with sparklers again this year.

 Before all this dinner business I did go out with this guy that was very "cut to the chase". We texted for a day, then he moved to phone calls, and within 3 days we were out to lunch. He's philosophy...life's too short sitting around trying to figure out if you are compatible over a computer or phone..just meet. And if the chemistry is there, it's there...if not, move on. So, I agreed to go to lunch with him...and he was very sweet. Told me he was going to bring me a mix CD with his favorite songs as a first meeting gift. He had lunch waiting for me when I arrived...very cool. Now, I will say that he was older and had a droopy eye..but I was going with it, because how often do I find a guy who is no bullshit and has lunch waiting for me. I'm not completely shallow, despite what the warty sexual harassing exterminator told me after I hid in the bathroom during our date(I did say that I wanted someone to take care of my wildlife issues)...but I digress. Lunch lasted 15 minutes. Apparently it only takes me 15 minutes to eat a salad and for him to figure out we had no chemistry, and the minute I put my napkin down he was outta there. Politely of course, he said good bye...I didn't get my damn mix CD. But, cut the loses and move on. I like it like that. (oh, hell...now I have that stupid Hot Macaroni One Way boy band singing that song in my head...like it like that...yeah one more time...<

Friday Night Freaks

Normally, I would not write a Friday night blog post. Because, frankly I have better things to do...like wear clothes that don't need to be ironed, and pretend that my work week never happened. Unless something good happened, then I reward myself for being awesome. Friday nights are also prime-time take out nights. If I ever win the lottery, I am going to hire a personal chef...just like Oprah. So, that it will be like take out night every night...but I digress.

So, the reason for my out of character blog post is this message I got tonight on the dating site. I had quietly and discretely deleted my profiles months ago...but I am a fighter, and an optimist...which means that I created a new account the other night...because I just refuse to accept the fact that I am destined to  be a single mom the rest of my life. Admittedly, the most awesome single mom ever...but that don't pick up dead baby bunny parts in your yard. Know what I am saying?

So, went back to the dating site. It's been interesting this time around. I am not playing games, I'm not putting up with crap, I am not playing games. This is not a game. This is my life.

So, tonight I get this message. It is the creepiest message I have ever gotten. No worries...the kids are blocked from the blog. The second message is from a guy who messaged me the other day. I told him that his email was great, but I wasn't interested. Apparently, this
dude  took a douchebag class.
Here it is...creepy message #1
"Ever had warm honey poured all over your feet then sucked off? Just curious. Would love to do that to ya:)"

And douchebag message#1
"Yeah screw you too wench. I think I saw your date at the grocery store...Slim Fast?"


Yeah...I'm not sure why I am doing this either. Is it too late to be a nun?

Not Even, If You Were the Last Woman on Earth

Put me in a room with 10 guys from all walks of life, all fairly similar in looks (boyishly cute with nice eyes) and all wearing Polo Sport, or maybe Drakkar (my favorite boy smells)...Wait, did you think I was going somewhere with this? I just want someone to put me in a room with 10 guys.

End of post. Good night.


Ok...fine...I have a point. Focus Julie...focus. Put me in the room with 10 guys, and I can guarantee that I will find the emotionally unavailable ones, and immediately fall for them. I am an emotionally unavailable man magnet. Or what I like to call an EMM. If the world is wiped out and I am the last woman on earth...the last man on earth will probably be emotionally unavailable. "Yeah, I would really like to continue the human race with you Julie, but I'm just in a different place right now...maybe we could just be friends...you're great though."

My psychotherapist says that emotionally available men are either married, gay or stalkers. We've turned this into the following EMM test...to be used during dates, random pickups at Lowe's and the occasional emergency evacuation at work. If the man has nicer clothes than I do, he is gay. If the man's clothes are clean and neatly pressed, he is married. If he is wearing no clothes...yes, you guessed it Stalker!!!

I met a fireman online at POF(plenty of fish). And pun intended, the fireman is SMOKING HOT. He sent me a gym picture...and my, oh my...were his guns blazing. He has a giant tribal tattoo on his arm...which makes me all tribal thinking about it. I love a man in uniform, and put him in front of a firetruck...hose me down. Seriously, hose me down. Please. Anyway...he's not the most talkative guy, or that great with technology. But, that's ok...he's really, really nice to look at. Occasionally he sends me a random text that says "want to see you". It's caveman like...and I am ok with that.

We actually haven't met in person, but have exchanged emails, texts and a couple of glorious photos. His pics...and yes, he has seen me. And thinks I am hot...well, so he says. Again, I am ok with this. So, the other night when I get a request from his gmail address to chat via my yahoo account...I didn't think much about it. But, then the following email exchange occurred. Let's see if you can guess where this is going...or went.

Me: Hey ****...this is my gmail account if you want to chat sometime. Hope you had a good weekend. :) Julie

Him: i cant remember how we met. can you refresh my memory? when was the last time we saw each other?

Me:It's Julie from Pof...you sent a chat request to my yahoo account...so thought I would forward my gmail. Everything ok?

Him: what is pof?

Me: Ok, maybe there is a misunderstanding...

Him: you didn't tell me, when did we last see each other?



So...my take on the conversation, albeit very short conversation, was that the person on the other end was not the fireman. My best guess is probably a wife or girlfriend...which makes sense because I am an EMM. I haven't had any other contact with the fireman or his wife...but I am hoping this still works out(think crazy ex, hacking into his email account because she can't let go of him and his tribal tattoo), because there are about 15 women at work who are living vicariously through me on this one. And don't want to let them down...really, it's all for them.

You are a Loser Top Eight!

Wow...this is two posts in one day. I feel like I should be tired or something...But, I just read an article on Yahoo called "Eight Signs That He is Into You". And felt like I needed to offer my rebuttal. So, I give you the "Eight Signs That He's Not Into You" or what I like to call the "You are Loser Top Eight". Some of these may be rated R, so take the kids out of the room...and lock them up where they belong.

8. On your first date, orders just one beer for you to share...and licks the glass before you drink.
7. Sends you a random text message refering to no topic you have ever discussed and in it calls you Tina.
6. Takes out his phone during your date to chat with a chick online in New Jersey.
5. He asks you to take his picture so he can update his profile.
4. When discussing online dating, he refers to it as a hobby.
3. When talking about your interests, says "did you tell me that already?"
2. Explains not emailing for weeks, by saying that his email was hacked.
1. When he puts his pants back on, he laughs and says.."wow, that was easy!'

Hello My Name is Helga

Here is the best part about online dating...when you fill out a profile, you can be whomever you want to be. If I want to be a svelte supermodel from Czech, I can be. Fill out the correct height, education and wants/likes...and you can be someone for anyone. Hi, my name is Julie. I am into cubist art, indie films and Battlestar Galactica. I secretly want to work for Greenpeace and aspire to be a a better person to my fellow man.

This is especially true if I don't put up a photo. All it takes in this day and age is some decent google skills, and I can positively plant the correct information to make my potential date believe I LOVE being a vegatarian and live in Utah . So, when I meet guys online who seem to be too good to be true...I need to remind myself that they are. What you don't want my phone number? Real guys I know, in real life are DYING for my phone number...even if they don't like me, like me...guys LOVE phone numbers.

I mean really life is not like the movies, and when they say that the guys acts like they are all that and a bag of chips...I need to request pretzels.

A funny conversation online isn't like meeting in real life...it's still online. And people hide things for a reason. I mean, am I really going to tell a potential date about dancing on speaker stories...and are they really going to tell me that they really are a woman, with 5 kids living in a former Eastern Bloc country with a phone job working for Capital One or Big Ladies Loving Life Hotline?
And that boys and girls is the problem...online is not real. Life is life, and online is online. So, for that reason...let's get our happy on and find some profiles to make of....I mean, it's not like we are making fun of real people right?

Ok.. I expect this to be a work in progress, but here at 2: 40am we'll see what I come up with. Whew 100 characters down already!!

UPDATE! OK LET ME TRY THIS AGIN! THIS SITE IS HISTERICAL LOL, I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE PICTURES OF KIDS LOCKED IN A DOGS CAGE THE RED FLAGS SHOULD BE FLYING HIGH LOL. YES THIS GIRL HAD HER KID LOCKED IN A CAGE WTF!!!! I MEAN LADIES YOU'RE SINGLE FOR A REASON! 1) YOU DROVE YOUR MAN CRAZY OR 2) HE DROVE YOU CRAZY! LOL ;). SOME GIRLS ON HERE NEED A LESSON IN ETHICS

Just for the record I have sent enough emails. I am done with that. If you are interested you contact me. Stupid Jerk Fishing!!!!! You girls wonder why men send dumb emails cause we are tired of no responses!

Before I get started if your a slob don't both going on if you look around your house and theres piles of stuff and you look like a hoarder or something don't bother I'm not a fanatic but do care how my house looks I'm looking for someone who is young at heart

Never knew the line, "Sleeps with the fishes" could be a double entendre before. Thanks POF!

Time for a new profile description,although judging by the amout of views to messages ratio, I'd say most of you will not see this!!

I threw out my tv.
Dont talk much but I mean what I say except when I'm being sarcastic.
Honesty, I try my best at it but being human it'

Hanging Out

I think I am depressed. I'm tired, all I want to do is eat cookies and the siren's song of the shoe sale does not appeal to me. I didn't even have a glass of wine tonight...oh, this is so bad. I even...wait for it....told my daughter she could buy a snuggie.

What exactly has me turning to the world of Reeses Chips Ahoy? Dating drama. But, in this instance...not dating drama. I think things are completely over with my international man of mystery. He didn't seem real excited to hear from me last week, so I blasted an email to him scoping it out. To which he responds that it seemed like I didn't want to do anything more than hang out.

What exactly else did he want to do in a public place next to a table of Mennonite tourist? It's Hershey for Pete's sake...it's not like it's Vegas with all sorts of table action going on. Both in and out of the casino.
I was offended. So, I blasted an email back...clearly laying out the fact that I don't do casual. Which I told him once before, months and months ago...THEN he says that he's not sure what he wants...because he is probably moving in 6 months. What??? Where did that come from? Ok, so why even go out with me at all....then it all makes sense.

He never wanted to call me, he only met me at night, he's cold to the touch, never goes to the bathroom and he's from Germany...he MUST be a vampire!! Wait..hold on, sorry...I was watching Twilight while I write.

Let's go back...never wanted to call me, disappeared all the time, was hot and cold on the whole dating thing, and told me stories about his friends having friends with benefits. He wanted a hook up. How did I not spot it? He was very crafty. Throwing in random cute stories about his sister and how the Audi makes a nice family SUV to make me think he was an actual thinking, feeling human who wasn't only trying to get me out of my skinny jeans. And yes, K-Mart makes a very nice skinny jean.

Now...do you understand why I am depressed? It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. That maybe he did see the food in my teeth, or didn't like the way I sang Lady Gaga songs on the way to the bathroom. Or, maybe even that the 39 yr old chubby single mom isn't as much fun, intellectually stimulating or witty as she really thinks she is. That can SO not be it...because I am freaking hilarious.

It's hard to get your point across via email, when you are emailing someone back and forth. And let's face it, online dating profiles aren't exactly an executive summary. It's easy to see how we both were expecting something different from one another. At least that's what I am telling myself so I will stay away from the cookies. But, why did he have to be cute and smell good. Damn. Anyway...going with a theme of easily misunderstood, I give you the latest dating profiles of some crazy men who want to make sure that you don't misunderstand. Anything.

Bald men with no jobs and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women

I love to have fun. Paula Deen is hot! I love you, Paula! Where is my Paula Deen?

Did I mention that I’m not gay. . .cause I'm not?!

WOW WHAT A DEAL! NOT TO SOUND LIKE AN ARROGANT BASTERD, BUT I AM A STEAL! SO HURRY ON OVER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

Can you stimulate me intellectual; if not, don't bother? Communication is so important to me. I long for love but beware, I am too independent to be changed or controlled and I demand respect

looking to add some excitement. haven't decided where to draw the line, but if you have something in mind, i'd probably be up for it! serious meets, no games.

know everyone is looking for prince charming but come on ladies... Prince pimp is right here!!!Don't be afraid.

Just looking for a good, HONEST woman. Currently incarcerated but will be home in less then a year.

Winning!

So..it's been a while since I blogged. I'd like to say it's because of some deep dark secret illness that I had, that shrunk my thighs and made me even more beautiful and attractive to the male population at large...but really it's because I was tired of whining about getting no action. I guess whining is a strong word, but I like to use it.

I'll catch you up on my love life rather quickly...talked to some dudes online, dodged some creepy dudes online...got a email from a creepy dude that said "yummy" and nothing else...and was checked out by a friends soon to be ex-husband. Another creeper. Texted with some other guys...TEXT!!! I am so hip. Had a couple of really great conversations with men who have some real clear psychological issues and went out on two dates with the dude who dodged me a couple of times before. (see previously blogs) You know your basic single dating stuff...

But, now that I have been out a couple of times on real-life dates...and not the pretend kind I act out in my living room...Some interesting things have occured to me. Well, they are interesting to me...but I also have a picture of Rob Pattinson in my bedroom. So, let's use the word interesting with a grain of salt, shall we?

So, here is what I have been thinking about...dates are so much pressure. What do you wear, where do you meet, how do you tell if they are an axe murderer, who pays, and how much wine is too much? And don't even get me started about the whole food thing...ugh! I had french fries at last night's date, and got food caught in my teeth. I knew it was caught, but couldn't figure a classy way of getting up to go get rid of the crap in my teeth. SO, I sat there for about 5 minutes, terrified that he would see the french fries, become grossed out and ditch me when my back was turned.
Plus, I have decided to take Immodium before every date, just in case. Nothing ruins a good time faster than public bathroom diarrhea. Not that I am having those issues, but I just want to be pro-active, instead of reactive. Know what I mean?

So, on the plus side...dates have been good, guy appears to be normal...and he smells good too, which has taken care of my good hygiene requirement. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point, but so far I am having a good time. If he turns out to be an axe murderer, or married or a Cross dresser...a cross dressing married axe murderer, I'll let you know.

Until next time...here are the fun, and fabulous crazy posts. Enjoy.

**Sane. Have a great job. A nice car. Don't live with my mom..I own my own house. Am over my ex. And I won't send you pictures of my genitals.**

ask me to know me.searching for a job.i do not send money to any one.i am qiuet man.i like fishing,walking.music,animals,but i do not have,flowers.i like black,blue,red,white,greem

This is me ,., WINNING.. ..

I'm a well rounde bi sexual guy that enjoys life as it comes.

I’d like to meet a nice reasonably normal girl to spend time with. Preferably no crack heads, porn stars, religious cult members, or spoiled bratts

Hello my name is John , I no you get alot of emails from men, but i can honestly say i have read your profile and like what i read and see.

***I JUST MOVED TO CHINA. UNLESS YOU'RE IN CHINA AS WELL, THIS MAY NOT WORK OUT.***

Hello pretty young girl, how are you? you ahve a nice profile. i am interested in knowing about you. email me if you are interested and we start from there. Feel free to email me and i would be happy to hear from you.
good night sweety.

Ok so my friend met a woman on here and after a year or so she turned out to be a nightmare and started treating his kids like they were a nuisance while having 2 of her own.

BOFD and Other Things I Don't Understand

It sounds like a great idea...meet people online with whom you have common interests and a similar desired outcome. Get your minds of the gutter, people and mom. You get to look at pictures, decide who you like and strike up a conversation. Maybe if an email conversation goes well, you move onto IM, maybe the phone and ultimately meet to see if you are compatible. Doesn't too difficult does it?

But, there is a whole series of rules, regulations, etiquette guidelines, secret codes, smoke signals, rituals, virtually an entire vernacular that goes along with it. Oh, yeah...I whipped out the word "vernacular". And just plain old things your should do and not do.

I mean, do you know what BOFD means? Well, it doesn't mean Breakdances on First Date. I loved Electric Boogaloo!!!!!
And if someone asks you if you want to "hang out"? Does it mean online or in person?
Being asked by someone about your clothes in a im conversation doesn't really mean that they have been watching too much Project Runway..but signals a different direction in the conversation. Now is the time for the gutter.

People make a whole process of meeting people just to talk about "stuff" online. By stuff, I'm not talking Beanie Babies. Is this what fear of STD's, AIDS, personal intimacy, cuddling and unshaven legs has left us with?

And in today's virtual world...how do you really know what someone is asking you? Think grammar, puncuation, etc!!!! And what happens when there is none?
I mean how am I supposed to know what to do, or what an acceptable time frame in which to do it. I mean he asked me to hang out...but then didn't respond when I responded. What's up with that?

Really, did that other guy ask me if I was in my pajamas? I'm a single mom with two kids...my pajamas are a faded t-shirt, and pair of boxers I stole from some dude in college, complete with beer stain. I don't know if he was thinking Frederick's of Hollywood, but I haven't worn satin, lace or anything holding anything else up since my wedding. What does that question even mean?

And if someone says that they are into horses, do they really mean horses? Am I weird for even asking that question?

I'm the Pepsi generation...I thought the Singles Soundtrack was going to save the music industry, I have dreamed about Dave Grohl since Smells Like Teen Spirit, I knew that the Million Dollar Man BELONGED with the Bionic Woman, Lenny & Squiggy were just friends with small IQ's and when Flo said "Kiss my Grits!!" she really meant it. I am not mentally prepared for all of this winking, IM'ing, coy use of the emoticon.
Maybe that makes me ***GASP*** old fashioned, but so be it.

Cool Rider

Ok...bottomline, no screwing around...I think I am Michelle Pfieffer in Grease 2 singing Cool Rider. (I want no ordinary guy coming on strong with me....C-O-O-L
R-I-D-E-R)
That's the image I have of myself in my mind. Michelle Pfieffer. And depending on what day it is I may or may not be married to David E. Kelly. Meaning I have a screwed up sense of reality. No, not Leo DiCaprio stalker big ass can of crazy screwed up reality, but more like vivid imagination no double chin kinda reality.

I guess I don't see myself as I really am. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It can be tough to see yourself for who you really are...especially when you are a chubby single mom with a penchant for wearing t-shirts with sequins on your boozoombas. I mean, it's not like I thought that this is what I would grow up to be?
And, maybe it's why I am not trying very hard to meet Mr. Not So Annoying. Because when you have toothless 80 yr old bikers who live in the nursing home hitting on you...you don't want to think that maybe, just maybe you really are the kind of person that 80 yr old bikers REALLY, REALLY want changing their Depends.

Nowhere is a screwed up sense of reality any more prevalent than on the dating websites. Boy, oh boy....luckily I think I am Michelle Pfieffer. Some guys have gone completely in the WRONG direction...ain't no Grease 2 baby. Scary, scary, scary...like being Lindsay's parole officer.

So, I give you some poor unfortunate souls who think that they are all that....

Trust me - I'm da man! I can do things that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I'll have you begging for more. You'll be RUINED for any other man ...

Im a good looking man who takes care of himself, just looking for a friend to spend some quality time with

You will be please with me.I bet I can make you smile. I Could be the one you were looking for.

I would like to meet, get to know and be with a pretty, smart, goal oriented, responsible, sexy classy woman that likes pearls because girls like diamonds

A lot of people are also normally surprised of how quick their pets take to me.

about m self ,there lot to say about me but there is never enough to say about your self,but i am avery nice guy,quite i dont know what else say ,may be later on, I am male, straight, and singal

What I am. I am a regular guy. I prefer playing the fool. I'm a little geeky and a little freaky.

There is only so much you can say about yourself that people will actually believe. One man's opinion is another man's nightmare.

I'm an athletic, cute, crazy, sexy, cool kind of guy.

After many unsuccessful years of dating exclusively supermodels and members of Alaska's Agdaagux tribe, I've decided to broaden my horizons and open up my dating to the population at large.

AND...my favorite!!! An actual email to a fellow Mr. Not So Annoying seeker. This is what he wrote.

Hey my name's _____ and Im unemployed and living in my parents basement with my dog but I wanted to say hi.

So happily I will go on thinking that I look great in a Pink Satin jacket and that my Cool Rider will appear while I am bowling with my friends. And after he arrives...we will sing. I am fine with that...because whether I am seeking him out, or he shows up with a pair of rental shoes and a beer, Mr. Not So Annoying is out there and he might, just might be looking for his Michelle Pfieffer.

I just may be a little bat sh*t crazy

The Blog is Back! Cue AC/DC playing in the background. I prefer Back in Black, but feel free to go with Highway to Hell...or even Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. You pick.

I took some time away from the husband search to toast my skin, paint my toes and run around looking for tar balls on the beach. Ahh, I love a vacation. Some would say that a vacation is the perfect time to find a husband...but the only thing I found was homeless guy shouting on his cell phone at the mall. Don't worry friends... I checked to make sure it wasn't my ex-husband before asking him if he was single. But, Chad was clearly not husband material.

Just so we are all up to date, here's an update on activity since we last had this time together.

Signed up for ANOTHER online dating service, and yes this one isn't doing anything for me either.

Got hit on by a friend that my parents went to high school with, who coincidentally was wearing a tuxedo and 8 chicks with boob jobs in his profile picture. If I thought for one second I could get a boob job out of the deal, I would totally hit that. And yes, I meant that HE was wearing the boob job chicks. You have to see the picture.

Spotted a former stalker on Match.com, and immediately had to bathe my eyeballs. Apparently his wife dumped him. Although I'm not sure that a woman who works in the city on the weekends counting cash in a tractor trailer in the Wal-Mart parking lot really "dumps" someone. It's more like, stops putting her cigarette carton in the bread box on his kitchen counter, and won't bring home a six pack to put him to sleep. Still, I'd like to keep him a FORMER stalker for obviously reasons. Currently working on the profile block.

Got dissed on eharmony by a dude who didn't like my "don't likes/must haves list". I'm not sure if it was my comment about not liking men to who require ointment for their "nether region" or the fact that I have kids. Either way, as I am frequently reminded...this is a screening process. So, consider this one officially on the cut list.

The following dudes show up as matches on my various husband searching sources. I will not reveal all of my sources to you, wikileaks or any other pseudo news outlet, except TMZ. I will not bringing any of them home to meet mother, but I may or may not have potentially already dated one of them online for a few minutes. I'm still confused by Speedate.com

Lookin for my Hellcat.
NO DRAMA, NO GAMES, PLEASE. A little crazy ok, bat sh*t crazy no way, lol. You should be adventurous and willing to try new things (I am not talking about car theft here, but skydiving oh yes).

I am communicating with someone who interests me. In case this works out, I don't want to disappoint anyone by looking like I am on the prowl. More importantly, I am incapable of being sincere to more than one woman at a time. Thanks for your interest.

My hobbies include being punctual and wearing a comfortable pair of slacks.

I've been described as a GQ kind of guy with an LL Bean weekend flare.(although this guy also likes martinis and is a psychologist...so, it could be fate????)

Where's my fair maiden of a vixen?

looking for it all, may the best one win
i like the truck pulls,racing,sex,and a woman who lets me be me and does not judge or make me someone im not,im honest and expect the same,if you don't have humor and are stuck-up don't enter my world

Great stuff huh??? And the search continues......

i raidther stay at home to drink

Don't get me wrong. I know that I don't have a body like Megan Fox...hell I don't even have a body like Matthew Fox, but I'm no Pabst Blue Ribbon chugging, muffin topped high school drop out who got a pay day loan to pay for my dentures and Amazon rain forest wax at the local beauty school.
I can spell, or at least I know how to use spell check. If I take two teaspoons of benadryl and squint really hard I still look like my 30 yr old self when I look in the mirror. And at one time in my life I may or may not have perfected the art of dancing on a speaker.
I don't smell, I bathe and I can discuss a two run homer in the 9th without having to look at flash cards. I work. I have a positive balance in my 401K, and will eventually pay off my Jeep loan.
Yes, I have children, but they are not snot-nosed, haven't chewed on the furniture in at least 6 months, and stopped shop lifting jeans from Old Navy once they were out of diapers. In short...I am a catch.
So, why it is that the only "winners" I have sending me messages are the ones below? Why is it Matt from Malvern that you closed our match on eharmony without ever giving me the chance to tell you that my favorite movies include the best of the Lee Marvin collection?
Is it my hi message? I swore that I was going to stop using the hi...but I am like a crack whore at a Boys to Men concert. I just can't help myself. Bobby!!!

I sent another message to ANOTHER guy on plentyofish. Don't worry, it wasn't to any of the ones below. As always, I will keep you posted if anything exciting happens.


Well i like to go camping or stay at home n whatch movies or go out to the movies . I losten to all kinds of music but metal is my favorite . I also like Stephen King novels n movies . And i like to go to the bar once and awhile just to get out but i raidther stay at home to drink . I also have two children none live with me one lives in lebanon and the other in maine .

im a home body but i do go out every now and then with my woman when she needs to get out


And I don't want to change your life...
(um, dude...isn't that the whole point of this thing? Not real motivated are you?)