I don't think that's from KFC

I think it’s time to move my focus away from the breakup and onto new topics of discussion. I’m not really ready to date…but say I was. Maybe I need to take better precautions this time to screen out suitors for possible deal breaking qualities. You know mitigate my risk of ever ending up dating anyone with the emotional IQ of 5. Hey look, I get that my emotional IQ is 25. Still higher than 5 though.

So, I feel like I need to incorporate some more screening procedures into the search.

 

1. Home Visit: They do home visits for security clearance. Why is this any less important than national security? Maybe he is a hoarder. Maybe he hasn't vacuumed in 2 or 3 years. Maybe he still sleeps with a Buzz Lightyear pillow. Does he have a secret roommate who lives under the porch. Is his roommate still his ex-wife. Does he even have a room? Or is this a sleeping on someone's couch kind of thing.

All really, really important things to know before you start dating someone.

 

2. Family Tree Review: Say he is related to Jeffrey Dahmer. You may want to know this. Because your are dating a couple of months, he says "Hey, wanna be my date to the family reunion?"  If he is from a nice Polish family from Baltimore, that's no problem. If he's from a family with a cannibal...you might not want to go eat fried chicken with them. Just saying.

 

3. Technical Skills: I don't want to go so far as to ask for an Excel test...But I'm talking like basic 2015 kind of stuff. If he says, "write your number down on a piece of paper".  You may want to assume that he's probably carrying around a flip phone from 2001. And any cute picture you want to send him, is going to take so long to download on that thing...you might as well mail it. Yes, mail. You know that thing we used to do with stamps. If your middle name is Apple. This might not be the best match for you. Hell, if your middle name is anything that starts with a letter of the alphabet, this might not be the best match for you.

 

This is just a start. There are lots of behavioral tests we could give, reference checks. It would be like getting a job. And I am good at running background checks. If he had even run a red light in Hoboken, I would find that shit.

I mean, like I said. I am really not ready to start dating yet. He may be tearing up the dating sites. But, I sort of still need to get over it. He apparently already is over it. Kudos to him for being able to forget the last 2 1/2 years, minus the two times he went on a Boyfriend Leave of Absence. We won't talk about that.

But, anyway peeps. Thanks for reading, and if you are loving the one you are with. Remind them. The grass isn't always greener on the dating side.

 

 

No Fireworks for the Fourth

Let's face it, I don't have the best luck with men. Oh, sure some, maybe one or two the of guys I have dated haven't turned out to be TOTAL creeps. A few did...but not all. (Stop it, I'm not talking about you...but I am talking about you. ) A couple of them have even done very well since escaping from me. I haven't heard how Mike from the 1st grade turned out, I am going to assume that he is a serial killer and locked up in a maximum security prison in Kentucky where he online dates from the prison computer room.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have graduated (gotta love personal growth) from emotionally unavailable men, straight to selfish assholes who don't know how to use proper social conventions. Of course, I previously was not a fan of proper social conventions as they sometimes become a  crutch for people to act out their nastiness in a more polite manner. Screw that...say what ya mean, mean what you say. Just don't be an appendage when you do it. Unless you are really hot and have insane abs...then you can do whatever. Hold on a moment, I am thinking about Armyguy...hottest guy I have every gone out with, and he knows it...but I didn't care. I avoided Army guys for my entire adult life, for a very good reason. But, this guy made me want to go jump in a tank. Literally. Like for fun.

Anyway...but, if someone is asked over for dinner...and I am talking full courses, homemade and not from a can...and then is unable to attend for whatever reason, say a car issue or because  his Aunt Bertha has an intestinal problem...then he should  make his apologies and offer to reschedule. BUT, NOOOOOO...I don't date guys who apologize for anything good. I date guys that ignore me, and pretend that I don't exist except when it is convenient for them or I can offer them some amusement like the cat toy that I am. We can talk all day about why I let myself be the cat toy, but my psychotherapist is on vacation, so we will table that one for later. I did hit up the back up therapist, who despite being the founding member of the douchebag club has redeemed himself by giving me good dating advice (who would have thought), but we don't get too in depth into my psyche. Scary, scary place.

AND...while I am at it. What is up with the not responding to text messages, emails thing? Do you think that if you don't respond we will forget that we sent you a message?Oh, silly me...I can't remember what I was doing with this shiny square device that makes phone calls and shows me those upset birds.It's not like we are always asking you anything hard. I mean, simple questions.How is your day?  What do you want to do tomorrow? Are we writing it in the wrong language? Do we need to send you a piece of paper written in crayon, so you get it? I'm just so confused. Dating shouldn't be this hard. It should be simple, uncomplicated, but include conversations, dates and holding hands. Look, I know I am not perfect and women are complex too. I'm just saying, can't we just all get out of our heads and freakin get on with life. Date, not date, love, not love, show up for dinner,  figure it out and move on. I really wanted some fireworks for the 4th of July...you know what I'm saying...Fireworks. Guess I am stuck with sparklers again this year.

 Before all this dinner business I did go out with this guy that was very "cut to the chase". We texted for a day, then he moved to phone calls, and within 3 days we were out to lunch. He's philosophy...life's too short sitting around trying to figure out if you are compatible over a computer or phone..just meet. And if the chemistry is there, it's there...if not, move on. So, I agreed to go to lunch with him...and he was very sweet. Told me he was going to bring me a mix CD with his favorite songs as a first meeting gift. He had lunch waiting for me when I arrived...very cool. Now, I will say that he was older and had a droopy eye..but I was going with it, because how often do I find a guy who is no bullshit and has lunch waiting for me. I'm not completely shallow, despite what the warty sexual harassing exterminator told me after I hid in the bathroom during our date(I did say that I wanted someone to take care of my wildlife issues)...but I digress. Lunch lasted 15 minutes. Apparently it only takes me 15 minutes to eat a salad and for him to figure out we had no chemistry, and the minute I put my napkin down he was outta there. Politely of course, he said good bye...I didn't get my damn mix CD. But, cut the loses and move on. I like it like that. (oh, hell...now I have that stupid Hot Macaroni One Way boy band singing that song in my head...like it like that...yeah one more time...<

I just may be a little bat sh*t crazy

The Blog is Back! Cue AC/DC playing in the background. I prefer Back in Black, but feel free to go with Highway to Hell...or even Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. You pick.

I took some time away from the husband search to toast my skin, paint my toes and run around looking for tar balls on the beach. Ahh, I love a vacation. Some would say that a vacation is the perfect time to find a husband...but the only thing I found was homeless guy shouting on his cell phone at the mall. Don't worry friends... I checked to make sure it wasn't my ex-husband before asking him if he was single. But, Chad was clearly not husband material.

Just so we are all up to date, here's an update on activity since we last had this time together.

Signed up for ANOTHER online dating service, and yes this one isn't doing anything for me either.

Got hit on by a friend that my parents went to high school with, who coincidentally was wearing a tuxedo and 8 chicks with boob jobs in his profile picture. If I thought for one second I could get a boob job out of the deal, I would totally hit that. And yes, I meant that HE was wearing the boob job chicks. You have to see the picture.

Spotted a former stalker on Match.com, and immediately had to bathe my eyeballs. Apparently his wife dumped him. Although I'm not sure that a woman who works in the city on the weekends counting cash in a tractor trailer in the Wal-Mart parking lot really "dumps" someone. It's more like, stops putting her cigarette carton in the bread box on his kitchen counter, and won't bring home a six pack to put him to sleep. Still, I'd like to keep him a FORMER stalker for obviously reasons. Currently working on the profile block.

Got dissed on eharmony by a dude who didn't like my "don't likes/must haves list". I'm not sure if it was my comment about not liking men to who require ointment for their "nether region" or the fact that I have kids. Either way, as I am frequently reminded...this is a screening process. So, consider this one officially on the cut list.

The following dudes show up as matches on my various husband searching sources. I will not reveal all of my sources to you, wikileaks or any other pseudo news outlet, except TMZ. I will not bringing any of them home to meet mother, but I may or may not have potentially already dated one of them online for a few minutes. I'm still confused by Speedate.com

Lookin for my Hellcat.
NO DRAMA, NO GAMES, PLEASE. A little crazy ok, bat sh*t crazy no way, lol. You should be adventurous and willing to try new things (I am not talking about car theft here, but skydiving oh yes).

I am communicating with someone who interests me. In case this works out, I don't want to disappoint anyone by looking like I am on the prowl. More importantly, I am incapable of being sincere to more than one woman at a time. Thanks for your interest.

My hobbies include being punctual and wearing a comfortable pair of slacks.

I've been described as a GQ kind of guy with an LL Bean weekend flare.(although this guy also likes martinis and is a psychologist...so, it could be fate????)

Where's my fair maiden of a vixen?

looking for it all, may the best one win
i like the truck pulls,racing,sex,and a woman who lets me be me and does not judge or make me someone im not,im honest and expect the same,if you don't have humor and are stuck-up don't enter my world

Great stuff huh??? And the search continues......

Oh my GAWD, I love your SHOES!!!!

So, I bought these really fantastic shoes over the weekend. When I bought them it was for purely selfish, Lady Gaga loving fabulousity. I wanted great shoes. And they are so great, that the moment I put them on this morning, I knew that these were now my husband shoes. Every time I wear these swirly, delicate flowered wedge dreams of a summer shoe, I could possibly meet Mr. Not SO Annoying. Because how could the future Mr. Not So, not fall hopelessly in love with me in THESE shoes.
And, not in a "Oh MY GAWD, I LOVE YOUR SHOESSSS...." kinda way.

I'm talking, Epic dream sequence, across a crowded room, eyes locking on the shoes,pan up to me, looking at me, me, me some more and cut to love at first sight.
The only problem with the whole shoe theory/plot/plan (call it what you will) is that I never meet anyone. Ever. Which is why I am on eharmony. And how weird would it be if I just added a picture of my feet on my profile page. I'm pretty sure that eharmony is not that kind of website.

Without the shoes, what kind of chance do I have of attracting someone. Let's face it...online, some people transfer well to screen and some don't. I am not one of those people. To know me is to love me in all my loud, sneezing, Julie glory.

Let's take my new match "Fred" (names have been changed to protect the loveless). Fred is the only match who has sent me a communication since I have been online. Poor "Fred" has a picture of him in a business suit, standing next to a giant boulder with a slight back arch and a glazed look in his eye. Now, I am sure Fred is a very interesting guy...but take that photo and the fact that he lists Sarah Brightman and Reba McIntire as his greatest influences...and it's not a pretty combination. I can't get past the fact that he is practically striking a Playgirl pose on a boulder in a Brook Brothers...and Match CLOSED for him. Fred does not translate well to screen.

Now that I have stepped on and crushed Fred's hopes and dreams with the very same shoes that give me my power, I am out to continue the search. Wish me luck...

Just thought I would say hi!

I've decided to add another piece of criteria to my list of must haves for a husband. He must have a name that sounds like a guys name, and not like one of my friends,a fictional TV junkyard or a self-defense weapon.
This week eharmony paired me with "Dana", "Sanford" and "Mace". I don't want to date a Mace? What kind of person does that to a kid? And saying "Let me introduce you to my husband...Mace" screams of a future of frozen banana daiquiris and quiche parties. I am not a banana daiquiri kinda girl.

So, I sent quick little icebreaker "hi's" to three other matches. Eharmony makes you use their pre-generated sentence to communicate with your matches. And I hoped that "Just thought I would say hi" was less desperate and cat lady crazy than "It seems we live close by...let's chat!" Almost like I had been driving aroudn his house lookign for opportunities to break in, eat his doritos, check his Internet history and roll around on his Hunter green Nate Burkus sheets. Hm...

I did get one rejection back. He didn't think we had "chemistry". Again..the words of eharmony. But, how do you have chemistry with a photo? Is he used to having chemistry with a photo? And if so, what kind of photos has he been looking at?
Or was it my "hi" ? Should I have told him his "profile brings a smile to my face" . It's not like he was holding a basket of puppies, while digging a well in a third world country to provide clean drinking water.

So, no action yet. This may be tougher than I thought. In my mind...by this time in the week I should have already made reservations for the all inclusive resort where I was finally going to get my dream on being married on the beach in jean cut-offs and a white t-shirt while a choir of local children sing "Brickhouse" as I walk down the sand dune. A girl can only dream.....

Day One: Game On

Day one in my search for a husband.
I was ready to wake up early, go for a run on the treadmill and wear something that emphasises my "eyes". Instead I hit snooze on the alarm 7 times so I could finish my dream about the drummer from Coldplay...and ended up wearing sorta clean capris that are held together with a safety pin.

Haven't ponied up the cash for the eharmony subscription yet, so I can't actually "see" if Rich from York is "not that guy on Jerry Springer".

Thinking about trying match.com, but first I am going to photoshop my double chin out of my pictures.

Made "friendly" eyes at a guy at Fuddruckers, in retrospect Fuddruckers may not be my target audience...also realized I use "quotes" to much when I write...I'll work on that later. No husband material today