I don't think that's from KFC

I think it’s time to move my focus away from the breakup and onto new topics of discussion. I’m not really ready to date…but say I was. Maybe I need to take better precautions this time to screen out suitors for possible deal breaking qualities. You know mitigate my risk of ever ending up dating anyone with the emotional IQ of 5. Hey look, I get that my emotional IQ is 25. Still higher than 5 though.

So, I feel like I need to incorporate some more screening procedures into the search.

 

1. Home Visit: They do home visits for security clearance. Why is this any less important than national security? Maybe he is a hoarder. Maybe he hasn't vacuumed in 2 or 3 years. Maybe he still sleeps with a Buzz Lightyear pillow. Does he have a secret roommate who lives under the porch. Is his roommate still his ex-wife. Does he even have a room? Or is this a sleeping on someone's couch kind of thing.

All really, really important things to know before you start dating someone.

 

2. Family Tree Review: Say he is related to Jeffrey Dahmer. You may want to know this. Because your are dating a couple of months, he says "Hey, wanna be my date to the family reunion?"  If he is from a nice Polish family from Baltimore, that's no problem. If he's from a family with a cannibal...you might not want to go eat fried chicken with them. Just saying.

 

3. Technical Skills: I don't want to go so far as to ask for an Excel test...But I'm talking like basic 2015 kind of stuff. If he says, "write your number down on a piece of paper".  You may want to assume that he's probably carrying around a flip phone from 2001. And any cute picture you want to send him, is going to take so long to download on that thing...you might as well mail it. Yes, mail. You know that thing we used to do with stamps. If your middle name is Apple. This might not be the best match for you. Hell, if your middle name is anything that starts with a letter of the alphabet, this might not be the best match for you.

 

This is just a start. There are lots of behavioral tests we could give, reference checks. It would be like getting a job. And I am good at running background checks. If he had even run a red light in Hoboken, I would find that shit.

I mean, like I said. I am really not ready to start dating yet. He may be tearing up the dating sites. But, I sort of still need to get over it. He apparently already is over it. Kudos to him for being able to forget the last 2 1/2 years, minus the two times he went on a Boyfriend Leave of Absence. We won't talk about that.

But, anyway peeps. Thanks for reading, and if you are loving the one you are with. Remind them. The grass isn't always greener on the dating side.