What's your password, again?

Inspired in part by a conversation with some high school friends..shout out to my Georgia Peeps!!! and partially inspired by the reunion of the Spice Girls at the Olympics..."If you wannabe my lover,  you have got to give..taking is too easy...Oh, tell me what you want...what ya really, really want..." I have decided to use my powers for good and not evil and create an online dating checklist. I love a list. And I need to help my more trusting fellow online daters with navigating the sharky infested waters of love. "People of the World...Spice Up Your Life!!" And I wanted an excuse to quote the Spice Girls...

1. If the guy/girl tells you they love on the first date, or want to be with you in eternal slumber...RUN.
2. If the guy/girl wants to move across 5 states to be with you after meeting just once... RUN.
3. If he asks if you want to blow his whistle baby...he's not talking orange safety whistle. RUN.
4. If they ask for your social security number, mothers maiden name and the birthdates of all of your children...Say nothing and RUN!
Just for clarification...I am talking about actual running, not funny literary running. I mean haul ass.
5. If they send you texts every 5 minutes telling you how much they miss you. And you've never met...RUN.
6. If they want to take you on a long, long hike...and want you to leave your cell phone at home...RUN. Preferably before they are chasing you ala Hunger Games in a dense forest.
7. Google their phone number, and if you find out that they like to post ads looking for a "massage"...RUN.
8. If anything BUT references to helping homeless animals or going to church comes up when you google their phone number...RUN.
9. If they are separated and are just looking to see what is out there...and don't have a picture posted...they are hiding something. Hopefully it not that they have a husband locked in the attic eating arsenic cookies, but always be leery of those without photos. RUN.
10. If their picture looks like a mug shot. It is. RUN.
11. If they ask where you are, more than once in a text conversation...RUN. Because dating is when they are on their "good" behavior...
12. If they pull out a measuring tape at dinner...to measure about much skin you might give...RUN.
13. If they want to meet at your house for the first date, it's not because they want to see your snowglobe collection. RUN.
14. Have a backup plan for the first date, make sure you meet in a public place and that if it goes badly someone you trust is onhand to come in and start yellling about how you are cheating on your husband/wife and the newborn baby at home...and why the hell would you go out when you know darn well you are in the middle of a Herpes breakout.

I hope this list has been  helpful...I myself will be using the list on Sunday when I meet a self-proclaimed deadhead, former distance cyclist/camping enthusiast. I haven't had the heart to tell him that my idea of camping is making a blanket fort in the living room and eating meat on a stick. Should be fun, just as long as he doesn't want to go hiking...in the woods, with a tape measure.

Hanging Out

I think I am depressed. I'm tired, all I want to do is eat cookies and the siren's song of the shoe sale does not appeal to me. I didn't even have a glass of wine tonight...oh, this is so bad. I even...wait for it....told my daughter she could buy a snuggie.

What exactly has me turning to the world of Reeses Chips Ahoy? Dating drama. But, in this instance...not dating drama. I think things are completely over with my international man of mystery. He didn't seem real excited to hear from me last week, so I blasted an email to him scoping it out. To which he responds that it seemed like I didn't want to do anything more than hang out.

What exactly else did he want to do in a public place next to a table of Mennonite tourist? It's Hershey for Pete's sake...it's not like it's Vegas with all sorts of table action going on. Both in and out of the casino.
I was offended. So, I blasted an email back...clearly laying out the fact that I don't do casual. Which I told him once before, months and months ago...THEN he says that he's not sure what he wants...because he is probably moving in 6 months. What??? Where did that come from? Ok, so why even go out with me at all....then it all makes sense.

He never wanted to call me, he only met me at night, he's cold to the touch, never goes to the bathroom and he's from Germany...he MUST be a vampire!! Wait..hold on, sorry...I was watching Twilight while I write.

Let's go back...never wanted to call me, disappeared all the time, was hot and cold on the whole dating thing, and told me stories about his friends having friends with benefits. He wanted a hook up. How did I not spot it? He was very crafty. Throwing in random cute stories about his sister and how the Audi makes a nice family SUV to make me think he was an actual thinking, feeling human who wasn't only trying to get me out of my skinny jeans. And yes, K-Mart makes a very nice skinny jean.

Now...do you understand why I am depressed? It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. That maybe he did see the food in my teeth, or didn't like the way I sang Lady Gaga songs on the way to the bathroom. Or, maybe even that the 39 yr old chubby single mom isn't as much fun, intellectually stimulating or witty as she really thinks she is. That can SO not be it...because I am freaking hilarious.

It's hard to get your point across via email, when you are emailing someone back and forth. And let's face it, online dating profiles aren't exactly an executive summary. It's easy to see how we both were expecting something different from one another. At least that's what I am telling myself so I will stay away from the cookies. But, why did he have to be cute and smell good. Damn. Anyway...going with a theme of easily misunderstood, I give you the latest dating profiles of some crazy men who want to make sure that you don't misunderstand. Anything.

Bald men with no jobs and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women

I love to have fun. Paula Deen is hot! I love you, Paula! Where is my Paula Deen?

Did I mention that I’m not gay. . .cause I'm not?!

WOW WHAT A DEAL! NOT TO SOUND LIKE AN ARROGANT BASTERD, BUT I AM A STEAL! SO HURRY ON OVER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

Can you stimulate me intellectual; if not, don't bother? Communication is so important to me. I long for love but beware, I am too independent to be changed or controlled and I demand respect

looking to add some excitement. haven't decided where to draw the line, but if you have something in mind, i'd probably be up for it! serious meets, no games.

know everyone is looking for prince charming but come on ladies... Prince pimp is right here!!!Don't be afraid.

Just looking for a good, HONEST woman. Currently incarcerated but will be home in less then a year.

Winning!

So..it's been a while since I blogged. I'd like to say it's because of some deep dark secret illness that I had, that shrunk my thighs and made me even more beautiful and attractive to the male population at large...but really it's because I was tired of whining about getting no action. I guess whining is a strong word, but I like to use it.

I'll catch you up on my love life rather quickly...talked to some dudes online, dodged some creepy dudes online...got a email from a creepy dude that said "yummy" and nothing else...and was checked out by a friends soon to be ex-husband. Another creeper. Texted with some other guys...TEXT!!! I am so hip. Had a couple of really great conversations with men who have some real clear psychological issues and went out on two dates with the dude who dodged me a couple of times before. (see previously blogs) You know your basic single dating stuff...

But, now that I have been out a couple of times on real-life dates...and not the pretend kind I act out in my living room...Some interesting things have occured to me. Well, they are interesting to me...but I also have a picture of Rob Pattinson in my bedroom. So, let's use the word interesting with a grain of salt, shall we?

So, here is what I have been thinking about...dates are so much pressure. What do you wear, where do you meet, how do you tell if they are an axe murderer, who pays, and how much wine is too much? And don't even get me started about the whole food thing...ugh! I had french fries at last night's date, and got food caught in my teeth. I knew it was caught, but couldn't figure a classy way of getting up to go get rid of the crap in my teeth. SO, I sat there for about 5 minutes, terrified that he would see the french fries, become grossed out and ditch me when my back was turned.
Plus, I have decided to take Immodium before every date, just in case. Nothing ruins a good time faster than public bathroom diarrhea. Not that I am having those issues, but I just want to be pro-active, instead of reactive. Know what I mean?

So, on the plus side...dates have been good, guy appears to be normal...and he smells good too, which has taken care of my good hygiene requirement. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point, but so far I am having a good time. If he turns out to be an axe murderer, or married or a Cross dresser...a cross dressing married axe murderer, I'll let you know.

Until next time...here are the fun, and fabulous crazy posts. Enjoy.

**Sane. Have a great job. A nice car. Don't live with my mom..I own my own house. Am over my ex. And I won't send you pictures of my genitals.**

ask me to know me.searching for a job.i do not send money to any one.i am qiuet man.i like fishing,walking.music,animals,but i do not have,flowers.i like black,blue,red,white,greem

This is me ,., WINNING.. ..

I'm a well rounde bi sexual guy that enjoys life as it comes.

I’d like to meet a nice reasonably normal girl to spend time with. Preferably no crack heads, porn stars, religious cult members, or spoiled bratts

Hello my name is John , I no you get alot of emails from men, but i can honestly say i have read your profile and like what i read and see.

***I JUST MOVED TO CHINA. UNLESS YOU'RE IN CHINA AS WELL, THIS MAY NOT WORK OUT.***

Hello pretty young girl, how are you? you ahve a nice profile. i am interested in knowing about you. email me if you are interested and we start from there. Feel free to email me and i would be happy to hear from you.
good night sweety.

Ok so my friend met a woman on here and after a year or so she turned out to be a nightmare and started treating his kids like they were a nuisance while having 2 of her own.

Oh my GAWD, I love your SHOES!!!!

So, I bought these really fantastic shoes over the weekend. When I bought them it was for purely selfish, Lady Gaga loving fabulousity. I wanted great shoes. And they are so great, that the moment I put them on this morning, I knew that these were now my husband shoes. Every time I wear these swirly, delicate flowered wedge dreams of a summer shoe, I could possibly meet Mr. Not SO Annoying. Because how could the future Mr. Not So, not fall hopelessly in love with me in THESE shoes.
And, not in a "Oh MY GAWD, I LOVE YOUR SHOESSSS...." kinda way.

I'm talking, Epic dream sequence, across a crowded room, eyes locking on the shoes,pan up to me, looking at me, me, me some more and cut to love at first sight.
The only problem with the whole shoe theory/plot/plan (call it what you will) is that I never meet anyone. Ever. Which is why I am on eharmony. And how weird would it be if I just added a picture of my feet on my profile page. I'm pretty sure that eharmony is not that kind of website.

Without the shoes, what kind of chance do I have of attracting someone. Let's face it...online, some people transfer well to screen and some don't. I am not one of those people. To know me is to love me in all my loud, sneezing, Julie glory.

Let's take my new match "Fred" (names have been changed to protect the loveless). Fred is the only match who has sent me a communication since I have been online. Poor "Fred" has a picture of him in a business suit, standing next to a giant boulder with a slight back arch and a glazed look in his eye. Now, I am sure Fred is a very interesting guy...but take that photo and the fact that he lists Sarah Brightman and Reba McIntire as his greatest influences...and it's not a pretty combination. I can't get past the fact that he is practically striking a Playgirl pose on a boulder in a Brook Brothers...and Match CLOSED for him. Fred does not translate well to screen.

Now that I have stepped on and crushed Fred's hopes and dreams with the very same shoes that give me my power, I am out to continue the search. Wish me luck...