Dodge This Ball: What Not to Do on the First Date

Look anywhere and you can find a list, or video or article on what to do or NOT to do on a first date. They say things like "Be Yourself", "Don't Fidget", or my personal favorite "Don't Drink Too Much".

What the hell? If this date is going down like the Titanic, you better believe I am going to be sucking down the Summer Berry Moscow Mules faster than Christy the Bartender can muddle those berries.
And be yourself? Look, if "yourself" is wearing a Unicorn Onesie to bed while watching Twilight for the 150th time, after you look through the book you made that's all about Channing Tatum. Leave "Yourself" home. Lock it the damn up. Because on the first date, you do not show the crazy.

Which leads me into my list of things NOT to do on a First Date. In no order of importance, because just don't do any of this shit.

1. Please don't wear a cape, or a tutu or any type of costume. This isn't Halloween, and even if it is don't freakin go on a date. Your date doesn't want to see you dressed up as Batman. No capes. And for the love of all that is the force...no light sabers either.

2. Talk about your "glory days". It's great that you were a cheerleader in high school, but you aren't anymore. And does anyone care? Ok, so you peaked in the 11th grade. Thanks for letting us know. Used to get straight A's. Don't care. Won a Science Fair in elementary school. Was Einstein there? If not. Don't care. We are in the here and now. Unless you won an Olympic medal...then you can share that, and I will forgive you if you wear the medal under your clothes for just these circumstances. But, otherwise. Save that life crap for month #2 long deep talks at night.

3. Don't bring anything. No gifts. Nothing nada. So, you had a great conversation about the movie Dodgeball on your little dating website chat thingy. Don't bring them a Dodgeball. Don't bring them the movie, don't bring them popcorn. NOTHING. It's weird. Then you are left holding a damn ball the rest of the night. And it becomes a magnet for other people to come up and ask..."Oh, why do you have a dodgeball? Hee, hee" Cuz, I am about to dodge this chicks ass. That's why.

4. Sort of related to #3. Balloons and flowers. Giving them. Now, this may be controversial...well, at least the flowers part. But, on a first date, it should be all business. Check to see if there is a connection.  If so, move on to date #2 which has totally different rules. But, first dates are no place for a giant ass fish balloon because you met on Plenty of Fish. Or any balloon. Not a smiley face, not a heart.  And flowers. It's a nice gesture, but if you don't like the dude then you are forced to stare at the "bad date flowers" for the next week. On the flip side...it sets up an expectation. Are you going to get flowers on date#2, what about date #5?  Just save it.

5. Offer them anything. I'm not just talking about sex, or whatever. That isn't that type of list. I mean like stuff. Have an extra ticket to the vineyard? Don't offer to give it to them. Have an extra bottle of Johnny Walker that someone left at your house, and your want to seem cool for having it? Don't offer it to them. (That may be a bad example, I don't know anyone who gives away free booze.) Extra book shelf? And they mentioned shopping for a bookshelf. Don't do it. Do not let the words come out of your mouth. You may be excited about meeting this person, and the date is going well. Don't get all Christmas morning on them offering them everything in the world. Same reason you don't bring presents. It's weird.

Hopefully this gets you thinking. Just some little tidbits to help on that excruciating first date. So many things can go wrong. Don't mess it up by being the crazy one.