My cardinal rule of online dating is that you must never, ever forget that the only thing men really want is to get into your pants. I even wrote a post on it. Check it out if you have not read it in the last 24 hours...it never gets old.
So, imagine my surprise...when I find myself clearly and wholeheartedly in a situation where I not only have forgotten that the only thing men want is in our pants, but I was walking around swinging the pants in his face. Figuratively, people...not literally...it's a writing device...go with it...minds out of the gutter.
Let's face it, my downfall are smart guys, ones with power and one who call BS on my usual lines. I like a challenge...but then I get sucked in...and next thing I know...I have forgotten about the pants. Again, figuratively..I'll let you know if things gets good.
I figured that because of all this, I need a refresher course on what men really mean when they say certain things. Share it with your single friends, laminate it and keep close by...just in case.
He says, "Do you have other pictures?" What he really means is... Do you have naked pictures so I can preview the pants?
He tells you "You are so beautiful". He thinks this is a direct route to pants...and expects immediate pants action.
He tells you that "He doesn't just want a quick hook up". In that case he means, he doesn't want to miss any of your pants, but it's still the pants he's after.
He wants to know "When can we get together?" This is his way of asking if you are bringing the pants with you.
He says "I am really looking forward to meeting you!" It really means...Hell, yeah...I'm getting pants.
He says that he "Is looking for a relationship". What he really means is that he is looking for a relationship with your pants.
Hopefully, this will help keep me straight next go round with the male species. I'll keep you posted.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Friday Night Freaks
Normally, I would not write a Friday night blog post. Because, frankly I have better things to do...like wear clothes that don't need to be ironed, and pretend that my work week never happened. Unless something good happened, then I reward myself for being awesome. Friday nights are also prime-time take out nights. If I ever win the lottery, I am going to hire a personal chef...just like Oprah. So, that it will be like take out night every night...but I digress.
So, the reason for my out of character blog post is this message I got tonight on the dating site. I had quietly and discretely deleted my profiles months ago...but I am a fighter, and an optimist...which means that I created a new account the other night...because I just refuse to accept the fact that I am destined to be a single mom the rest of my life. Admittedly, the most awesome single mom ever...but that don't pick up dead baby bunny parts in your yard. Know what I am saying?
So, went back to the dating site. It's been interesting this time around. I am not playing games, I'm not putting up with crap, I am not playing games. This is not a game. This is my life.
So, tonight I get this message. It is the creepiest message I have ever gotten. No worries...the kids are blocked from the blog. The second message is from a guy who messaged me the other day. I told him that his email was great, but I wasn't interested. Apparently, this
dude took a douchebag class.
Here it is...creepy message #1
"Ever had warm honey poured all over your feet then sucked off? Just curious. Would love to do that to ya:)"
And douchebag message#1
"Yeah screw you too wench. I think I saw your date at the grocery store...Slim Fast?"
Yeah...I'm not sure why I am doing this either. Is it too late to be a nun?
So, the reason for my out of character blog post is this message I got tonight on the dating site. I had quietly and discretely deleted my profiles months ago...but I am a fighter, and an optimist...which means that I created a new account the other night...because I just refuse to accept the fact that I am destined to be a single mom the rest of my life. Admittedly, the most awesome single mom ever...but that don't pick up dead baby bunny parts in your yard. Know what I am saying?
So, went back to the dating site. It's been interesting this time around. I am not playing games, I'm not putting up with crap, I am not playing games. This is not a game. This is my life.
So, tonight I get this message. It is the creepiest message I have ever gotten. No worries...the kids are blocked from the blog. The second message is from a guy who messaged me the other day. I told him that his email was great, but I wasn't interested. Apparently, this
dude took a douchebag class.
Here it is...creepy message #1
"Ever had warm honey poured all over your feet then sucked off? Just curious. Would love to do that to ya:)"
And douchebag message#1
"Yeah screw you too wench. I think I saw your date at the grocery store...Slim Fast?"
Yeah...I'm not sure why I am doing this either. Is it too late to be a nun?
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Walk On the Grounds
I looked out my back doors on Friday the 13th morning, only to find a black cat sitting on the patio with an expression on his face that clearly said "Sup Bitch...yeah, I just bad lucked your ass". Of course the cat proceeds to chase one of the baby bunnies living in my yard. (I'm kind of the Octomom of baby bunnies) The kids run screaming from the house "Go!! You craphole cat". What a proud mom I am...they don't use the word ass.
Silly me, I thought that by sending my children screaming at the cat...it would keep him away from the small, helpless creatures who sought out my yard as a habitat of safety from the cruel evil world.Ok, so I am not so savvy in the laws of nature.
Sunday afternoon while taking a stroll through the yard...stroll, I sound so Downtown Abbeyish. Really it was a walk on the grounds...(imagine me saying that with a British Accent...think Princess Kate accent, not Russell Brand accent..he's such a douche)
Anyway...imagine my shock (Not Tupac at Coachella shock...but more like Oh, yeah...Lindsay got plastic surgery shock) to find it's like Full Metal Bunny Jacket in my yard. Bodies of little half eaten bunnies everywhere.
Luckily the kids didn't see...and I swiftly cleaned up, creating an little bunny mass grave. It was horrible. I was shaking, felt sick...and really pissed at that cat.
It was at the moment that I decided that I should not have to deal with that crap. I am marrying the first guy that asks me and promises to take care of dead bunny bodies or any other wildlife mishap. I don't care anymore. Old,young(not that young), toothless, uneducated, emotionally unavailable, smelly or a drunk...I don't care. I am tired of being strong. I want someone else to kill bugs, and check my oil.
Saturday night the smoke detector began that annoying chirping that tells you to change the battery. I had to get up on a 10 ft ladder and change the battery. Except, I am a freakin girl and I don't keep 9 volt batteries in the house...just in case. I have 15 kinds of moisturizer, and shades of every nail polish for every season. But, it never occurred to me to keep 9 volt batteries, AA, AAA or any other kind of battery anywhere other than the store. And don't even get me started on the cable guy asking me for a flashlight...uh, oh...yep, I got started. Dude, I am wearing 5 inch heels...Do I look like I have a flashlight? Aren't you the freakin cable guy? You work in basements and garages...why don't you have a flashlight.
So, if you want to marry me and you are male, have never asked me before, are not on the sex offender list or have committed any serious violent, drug related or other felonious crimes(not sure that is a word...but go with it)...then consider me your girl. I do draw the line at bad breath.
Don't waste time, you should act now...because I am sending off for a Male Order Groom application from Wyoming. Just a note: I am not willing to relocate. I have a big house, no money...but I am an excellent cook. I make a fantastic martini and can shotgun a beer. I am fun, unpossesive, open and easy going. Don't mistake easygoing for easy...unless you are hot, there will be no hanky panky...hope you like sleeping on the couch. I bake, I grill, I attend baseball games and nod during other sports seasons.
All you need to do is take care of my wildlife issues, change my oil, my smoke detectors, stock my house with manly things like batteries, flashlights and screwdrivers and kill the occasional bug. I reserve the right to add additional items to your task list. Residents of Wisconsin, Washington and Rhode Island are not eligible by law. $14.95 for shipping and handling. Claims made in conjunction with this offer have not been substantiated by a governing authority, and by accepting the terms and conditions you agree to release those named herein.
Silly me, I thought that by sending my children screaming at the cat...it would keep him away from the small, helpless creatures who sought out my yard as a habitat of safety from the cruel evil world.Ok, so I am not so savvy in the laws of nature.
Sunday afternoon while taking a stroll through the yard...stroll, I sound so Downtown Abbeyish. Really it was a walk on the grounds...(imagine me saying that with a British Accent...think Princess Kate accent, not Russell Brand accent..he's such a douche)
Anyway...imagine my shock (Not Tupac at Coachella shock...but more like Oh, yeah...Lindsay got plastic surgery shock) to find it's like Full Metal Bunny Jacket in my yard. Bodies of little half eaten bunnies everywhere.
Luckily the kids didn't see...and I swiftly cleaned up, creating an little bunny mass grave. It was horrible. I was shaking, felt sick...and really pissed at that cat.
It was at the moment that I decided that I should not have to deal with that crap. I am marrying the first guy that asks me and promises to take care of dead bunny bodies or any other wildlife mishap. I don't care anymore. Old,young(not that young), toothless, uneducated, emotionally unavailable, smelly or a drunk...I don't care. I am tired of being strong. I want someone else to kill bugs, and check my oil.
Saturday night the smoke detector began that annoying chirping that tells you to change the battery. I had to get up on a 10 ft ladder and change the battery. Except, I am a freakin girl and I don't keep 9 volt batteries in the house...just in case. I have 15 kinds of moisturizer, and shades of every nail polish for every season. But, it never occurred to me to keep 9 volt batteries, AA, AAA or any other kind of battery anywhere other than the store. And don't even get me started on the cable guy asking me for a flashlight...uh, oh...yep, I got started. Dude, I am wearing 5 inch heels...Do I look like I have a flashlight? Aren't you the freakin cable guy? You work in basements and garages...why don't you have a flashlight.
So, if you want to marry me and you are male, have never asked me before, are not on the sex offender list or have committed any serious violent, drug related or other felonious crimes(not sure that is a word...but go with it)...then consider me your girl. I do draw the line at bad breath.
Don't waste time, you should act now...because I am sending off for a Male Order Groom application from Wyoming. Just a note: I am not willing to relocate. I have a big house, no money...but I am an excellent cook. I make a fantastic martini and can shotgun a beer. I am fun, unpossesive, open and easy going. Don't mistake easygoing for easy...unless you are hot, there will be no hanky panky...hope you like sleeping on the couch. I bake, I grill, I attend baseball games and nod during other sports seasons.
All you need to do is take care of my wildlife issues, change my oil, my smoke detectors, stock my house with manly things like batteries, flashlights and screwdrivers and kill the occasional bug. I reserve the right to add additional items to your task list. Residents of Wisconsin, Washington and Rhode Island are not eligible by law. $14.95 for shipping and handling. Claims made in conjunction with this offer have not been substantiated by a governing authority, and by accepting the terms and conditions you agree to release those named herein.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Valentine's Day Can Suck It!
This Valentine's Day, I am also celebrating a new holiday...Singles Awareness Day. Because no one is more aware of being single than on Valentine's Day.
Oh, sure people in relationships get a day all to themselves...lovey dovey flowers, and crap...but no one is jumping to make any holidays that single people would really love. Here are some of my "Single Holiday" ideas...go grab some conversation hearts to munch on while you read...'Too Hot" "Awesome" "XOXO".
-"Your Husband Thinks I am Hotter Than You Day"
-"I Can Leave My Clothes Laying All Over the Bedroom, and No One Complains Day"
-"They Go Home to Their Own Beds After Day"
-"I Buy Shoes Instead of Power Tools Day"
-"My Money is My Money and You Can Piss Your Own Away Day"
-"I Have No Freakin In-Laws Day"
-"I Don't Carry My Balls Around In a Coach Satchel Day"
-"I Can Stay Out All Night and Not Hear the Following Words: Irresponsible, Disappointment, SOB, Loser, Ho' Day"
-'That $49.95 You Were Forced to Spend On Roses, I Spent On Wine Day"
-"I Don't Get Woken Up In the Middle of the Night By Snoring So Loud It Registers On the Richter Scale Day"
-"I Actually Have Had Sex in The Last 3 Months Day"
I could go on, and on...with potential "Singles Awareness Day" ideas. Fun, right...but, remember peeps...even single people need love too. Happy SAD (oh, that is not good...) Day!!!!
XOXO
Julie
P.S. New boy in my life...and things with the airline pilot are heating up...this could be an interesting Spring.
Oh, sure people in relationships get a day all to themselves...lovey dovey flowers, and crap...but no one is jumping to make any holidays that single people would really love. Here are some of my "Single Holiday" ideas...go grab some conversation hearts to munch on while you read...'Too Hot" "Awesome" "XOXO".
-"Your Husband Thinks I am Hotter Than You Day"
-"I Can Leave My Clothes Laying All Over the Bedroom, and No One Complains Day"
-"They Go Home to Their Own Beds After Day"
-"I Buy Shoes Instead of Power Tools Day"
-"My Money is My Money and You Can Piss Your Own Away Day"
-"I Have No Freakin In-Laws Day"
-"I Don't Carry My Balls Around In a Coach Satchel Day"
-"I Can Stay Out All Night and Not Hear the Following Words: Irresponsible, Disappointment, SOB, Loser, Ho' Day"
-'That $49.95 You Were Forced to Spend On Roses, I Spent On Wine Day"
-"I Don't Get Woken Up In the Middle of the Night By Snoring So Loud It Registers On the Richter Scale Day"
-"I Actually Have Had Sex in The Last 3 Months Day"
I could go on, and on...with potential "Singles Awareness Day" ideas. Fun, right...but, remember peeps...even single people need love too. Happy SAD (oh, that is not good...) Day!!!!
XOXO
Julie
P.S. New boy in my life...and things with the airline pilot are heating up...this could be an interesting Spring.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wait a Minute, Mr. Postman
So...I turned 40 last week. This might create hysterical crying, midlife crisising and Ben & Jerry eating in a lesser woman, but I am full prepared to embrace my 40's. At least I was fully prepared until I started getting winks from 60 year old men on Match.com.
I had a hard enough time dealing with 50 year old men telling me that I looked like I had a nice disposition, now that I have moved up a demographic bracket...apparently I appeal to the 60's set. Look, no offense...but I am not quite ready to date someone who uses Metamucil in his gin & tonic...or who needs to talk about a prostate problem.
Sure, you may say "what about love?" Love has no age...yada, yada...whatever. I'm not talking love here, I am just talking about dating. Dating has nothing to do with love. If it did, The Bachelor wouldn't get nearly the ratings.
Dating action has been light lately. The stockbroker came back into the picture. Not really, but he sort of asked me out again. But, considering the last time we went out was over two months ago, and he has randomly canceled on me since...not really holding out hope on this one. Sure, he was nice...fun to be around and could actually kiss..but a nice kiss in a bar parking lot doesn't make for a relationship..or even the beginning of a potentially bad relationship. It doesn't make for much, except a check mark next to his name denoting yet another emotionally unavailable man.
I did start talking to a new guy...Mr. Postman. But, here is the problem with Mr. Postman...he uses the word, well "word" way too often in conversation.
Example...Me: "Hey, I'm on my way home, text you later", Him: "word!"
Me: "How ya doing?", Him: "word"
Him; "what do you do?, Me: "I'm in HR", Him: "word"
Seriously, who does this guy think he is, Hammer? Mr. Postman also asked me for job after he found out I was in HR, and told me that texting was for lazy people. Of course, he texted me that statement.
So...next we have the airline pilot. We have talked on the phone...and he is flying here the end of the month to see me. Gotta love a first date where the guys flies in to see you. Makes the rest of the schmucks seem a little bit like underachievers. Not sure what will happen with the airline pilot...maybe nothing. But, he gets an A for effort. If he actually shows up. He still has some emotionally unavailable man like tendencies, so as always I remain cautiously optimistic. Basically cautiously optimistic in my world means that I will shave my legs and wear the good underwear, but won't starting writing his name with little hearts in my notebook just yet.
For right now, that is about all I have going on...good stuff, right? Up in next weeks blog...we discuss why Valentine's Day should be renamed Singles Awareness Day.
I had a hard enough time dealing with 50 year old men telling me that I looked like I had a nice disposition, now that I have moved up a demographic bracket...apparently I appeal to the 60's set. Look, no offense...but I am not quite ready to date someone who uses Metamucil in his gin & tonic...or who needs to talk about a prostate problem.
Sure, you may say "what about love?" Love has no age...yada, yada...whatever. I'm not talking love here, I am just talking about dating. Dating has nothing to do with love. If it did, The Bachelor wouldn't get nearly the ratings.
Dating action has been light lately. The stockbroker came back into the picture. Not really, but he sort of asked me out again. But, considering the last time we went out was over two months ago, and he has randomly canceled on me since...not really holding out hope on this one. Sure, he was nice...fun to be around and could actually kiss..but a nice kiss in a bar parking lot doesn't make for a relationship..or even the beginning of a potentially bad relationship. It doesn't make for much, except a check mark next to his name denoting yet another emotionally unavailable man.
I did start talking to a new guy...Mr. Postman. But, here is the problem with Mr. Postman...he uses the word, well "word" way too often in conversation.
Example...Me: "Hey, I'm on my way home, text you later", Him: "word!"
Me: "How ya doing?", Him: "word"
Him; "what do you do?, Me: "I'm in HR", Him: "word"
Seriously, who does this guy think he is, Hammer? Mr. Postman also asked me for job after he found out I was in HR, and told me that texting was for lazy people. Of course, he texted me that statement.
So...next we have the airline pilot. We have talked on the phone...and he is flying here the end of the month to see me. Gotta love a first date where the guys flies in to see you. Makes the rest of the schmucks seem a little bit like underachievers. Not sure what will happen with the airline pilot...maybe nothing. But, he gets an A for effort. If he actually shows up. He still has some emotionally unavailable man like tendencies, so as always I remain cautiously optimistic. Basically cautiously optimistic in my world means that I will shave my legs and wear the good underwear, but won't starting writing his name with little hearts in my notebook just yet.
For right now, that is about all I have going on...good stuff, right? Up in next weeks blog...we discuss why Valentine's Day should be renamed Singles Awareness Day.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Captain Has Turned on the Fasten Seatbelt Sign
Well, boys and girls...welcome back to the dating adventures of your favorite sarcastically delicious single mom. (yes...I mean me) It's a new year...and we have a whole new crop of unavailable men, toothless fifty-year bikers and bat-shit crazy commitment phobs to keep us all entertained.
Let's have an update...shall we? So...I took a holiday hiatus from dating, so that I could concentrate on cranberry margaritas and the Gladiator games, aka the holidays with the family. But, now...I am back, baby...and ready to get back out there. I really believe 2012 is going to be my year to find Mr. Not So Annoying...or it just may be the year for me to find a good plastic surgeon. I would be ok with either.
I have been chatting up a storm with some hot new guys...had a lovely interaction with a pretty nice guy, but about 11 emails into our little tango...he lets loose the fact that he has 6 kids and sells online toys on the side. First of all, unless the name on your Titanium Amex card says Brad Pitt...there is no way I would ever be ok with a guy who has 6 kids. Call me shallow...but I don't think that the amount of Prozac I would need in that scenario is allowed by law. Second...online toys? I don't even want to know that means. Bye, bye...I don't remember your name.
But, I do have good news. I have replaced the Fireman with...wait for it..the Airline Pilot. He's hot..he's funny, he's hot...he flies a plane...in like a uniform and one of those sexy hats...wants to take me to a Braves game....he's hot. There is only one problem...he lives in Florida. I have taken the unavailable man magnet to a whole new level...I find a guy that actually wants to date me, and he lives in Florida. Of course, maybe that's why he wants to date me...because he really can't. Hmm...something to ponder. Damn men. Hopefully, you will be hearing more about Mr. Airline Pilot...and by more, I hope I don't mean transcripts of conversations I have with his wife, or the police report from when his crazy ex shows up at my house looking for her man and his uniform.
I did run across an interesting profile on POF this week...and thought you would enjoy. Happy New Year peeps. Hope it's going to be a good one!
I like hot women. Trying to meet lots of them. After that, maybe one of you hotties will be the one. until I find the one, I just want to meet lots of hotties. Its not even really so much about getting busy, though it's really ok if we do, its more about being able to take pictures of myself with a hottie while we are out on a date so I can post them on FB to impress my friends. You may hate me, but my FB friends don't need to know that. I like a woman who isn't afraid to pick up the bar tab or be my DD from time to time.Just to be clear, I like Sexy chicks. I really have a thing for redheads, brunettes and blondes, in that order. You don't have to be Barbie, but you have to be hot. I am not going to apologize for being shallow, i like sexy chicks.
Let's have an update...shall we? So...I took a holiday hiatus from dating, so that I could concentrate on cranberry margaritas and the Gladiator games, aka the holidays with the family. But, now...I am back, baby...and ready to get back out there. I really believe 2012 is going to be my year to find Mr. Not So Annoying...or it just may be the year for me to find a good plastic surgeon. I would be ok with either.
I have been chatting up a storm with some hot new guys...had a lovely interaction with a pretty nice guy, but about 11 emails into our little tango...he lets loose the fact that he has 6 kids and sells online toys on the side. First of all, unless the name on your Titanium Amex card says Brad Pitt...there is no way I would ever be ok with a guy who has 6 kids. Call me shallow...but I don't think that the amount of Prozac I would need in that scenario is allowed by law. Second...online toys? I don't even want to know that means. Bye, bye...I don't remember your name.
But, I do have good news. I have replaced the Fireman with...wait for it..the Airline Pilot. He's hot..he's funny, he's hot...he flies a plane...in like a uniform and one of those sexy hats...wants to take me to a Braves game....he's hot. There is only one problem...he lives in Florida. I have taken the unavailable man magnet to a whole new level...I find a guy that actually wants to date me, and he lives in Florida. Of course, maybe that's why he wants to date me...because he really can't. Hmm...something to ponder. Damn men. Hopefully, you will be hearing more about Mr. Airline Pilot...and by more, I hope I don't mean transcripts of conversations I have with his wife, or the police report from when his crazy ex shows up at my house looking for her man and his uniform.
I did run across an interesting profile on POF this week...and thought you would enjoy. Happy New Year peeps. Hope it's going to be a good one!
I like hot women. Trying to meet lots of them. After that, maybe one of you hotties will be the one. until I find the one, I just want to meet lots of hotties. Its not even really so much about getting busy, though it's really ok if we do, its more about being able to take pictures of myself with a hottie while we are out on a date so I can post them on FB to impress my friends. You may hate me, but my FB friends don't need to know that. I like a woman who isn't afraid to pick up the bar tab or be my DD from time to time.Just to be clear, I like Sexy chicks. I really have a thing for redheads, brunettes and blondes, in that order. You don't have to be Barbie, but you have to be hot. I am not going to apologize for being shallow, i like sexy chicks.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
It's a blog Charlie Brown!!!
Hi Santa-
It's me Julie...and I have been very good this year. Wait...why are you shaking your head no? I have been very good. Well, actually Santa I don't think the other night should count, because technically its December, and what happens in December stays in December, ya know what I mean? No, I was not aware that it's supposed to be all year long...geez, you're kind of a hard ass about this whole Naughty and Nice thing.
Ok...so maybe I wasn't very, very good...but I did give money to charity, I helped people in need, and I did flash some cleavage at that old dude this summer. It's really all about giving. So, maybe Santa since I have been so good...could you maybe, just maybe take a look at my Christmas list? And consider putting a couple of these gifts under my tree this Christmas. I don't want to be greedy...just a few things would make me happy. And I promise Santa that I will work on being a much better girl next year....and since I have you here...you don't happen to have a younger , cuter, less hairy single brother?? I mean, can't knock a girl for trying...Oh, you can. Oh...well, I didn't mean to ask anything inappropriate. Sorry...so, here is my list. Thanks Santa...and I will make sure to put out those white chocolate macadamia nut cookies you like...and a couple of 40s of Miller High Life. For the reindeer...wink, wink.
1.The disappearance of Kim Kardasian...nothing bad to happen to her, just for her to go *poof* along with Kloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Kris and whoever else..I am pretty sure I just lost brain cells because I know that many of their names.
2. Half-naked hot dude with non-hairy legs...who smells like Old Spice and likes to go to the mall and then goes away when I want to use the remote on the TV.
3. Shoes...any kind really works. And several pairs in many styles is just fine. I don't want to be pushy, but Manolo comes to mind.
4. Grease 2 poster. I have asked for this several years in a row, and alas you fail me every year. I am beginning to feel slighted. Please work on this one please.
5. First edition Poe book with the Gift of the Magi...best story ever. This request alone should earn me some serious bonus points...cuz I need all I can get for #8.
6. Red Rider BB gun...you'll shoot your eye out kid.
7. Light Saber. This needs no explanation.
8. That one thing, that we talked about before...you know THAT thing. No bow is necessary. Oh, wait... bow could be very sexy. Ooops...sorry, guess you aren't allowed to say sexy to Santa. Awkward.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays...Festivus for the Rest of Us...Happy Hanukkah
Love and eggnog,
Julie
It's me Julie...and I have been very good this year. Wait...why are you shaking your head no? I have been very good. Well, actually Santa I don't think the other night should count, because technically its December, and what happens in December stays in December, ya know what I mean? No, I was not aware that it's supposed to be all year long...geez, you're kind of a hard ass about this whole Naughty and Nice thing.
Ok...so maybe I wasn't very, very good...but I did give money to charity, I helped people in need, and I did flash some cleavage at that old dude this summer. It's really all about giving. So, maybe Santa since I have been so good...could you maybe, just maybe take a look at my Christmas list? And consider putting a couple of these gifts under my tree this Christmas. I don't want to be greedy...just a few things would make me happy. And I promise Santa that I will work on being a much better girl next year....and since I have you here...you don't happen to have a younger , cuter, less hairy single brother?? I mean, can't knock a girl for trying...Oh, you can. Oh...well, I didn't mean to ask anything inappropriate. Sorry...so, here is my list. Thanks Santa...and I will make sure to put out those white chocolate macadamia nut cookies you like...and a couple of 40s of Miller High Life. For the reindeer...wink, wink.
1.The disappearance of Kim Kardasian...nothing bad to happen to her, just for her to go *poof* along with Kloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Kris and whoever else..I am pretty sure I just lost brain cells because I know that many of their names.
2. Half-naked hot dude with non-hairy legs...who smells like Old Spice and likes to go to the mall and then goes away when I want to use the remote on the TV.
3. Shoes...any kind really works. And several pairs in many styles is just fine. I don't want to be pushy, but Manolo comes to mind.
4. Grease 2 poster. I have asked for this several years in a row, and alas you fail me every year. I am beginning to feel slighted. Please work on this one please.
5. First edition Poe book with the Gift of the Magi...best story ever. This request alone should earn me some serious bonus points...cuz I need all I can get for #8.
6. Red Rider BB gun...you'll shoot your eye out kid.
7. Light Saber. This needs no explanation.
8. That one thing, that we talked about before...you know THAT thing. No bow is necessary. Oh, wait... bow could be very sexy. Ooops...sorry, guess you aren't allowed to say sexy to Santa. Awkward.
Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays...Festivus for the Rest of Us...Happy Hanukkah
Love and eggnog,
Julie
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