A Walk On the Grounds

I looked out my back doors on Friday the 13th morning, only to find a black cat sitting on the patio with an expression on his face that clearly said "Sup Bitch...yeah, I just bad lucked your ass". Of course the cat proceeds to chase one of the baby bunnies living in my yard. (I'm kind of the Octomom of baby bunnies) The kids run screaming from the house "Go!! You craphole cat". What a proud mom I am...they don't use the word ass.

Silly me, I thought that by sending my children screaming at the cat...it would keep him away from the small, helpless creatures who sought out my yard as a habitat of safety from the cruel evil world.Ok, so I am not so savvy in the laws of nature.

Sunday afternoon while taking a stroll through the yard...stroll, I sound so Downtown Abbeyish. Really it was a walk on the grounds...(imagine me saying that with a British Accent...think Princess Kate accent, not Russell Brand accent..he's such a douche)
Anyway...imagine my shock (Not Tupac at Coachella shock...but more like Oh, yeah...Lindsay got plastic surgery shock) to find it's like Full Metal Bunny Jacket in my yard. Bodies of little half eaten bunnies everywhere.
Luckily the kids didn't see...and I swiftly cleaned up, creating an little bunny mass grave. It was horrible. I was shaking, felt sick...and really pissed at that cat.

It was at the moment that I decided that I should not have to deal with that crap. I am marrying the first guy that asks me and promises to take care of dead bunny bodies or any other wildlife mishap. I don't care anymore. Old,young(not that young), toothless, uneducated, emotionally unavailable, smelly or a drunk...I don't care. I am tired of being strong. I want someone else to kill bugs, and check my oil.

Saturday night the smoke detector began that annoying chirping that tells you to change the battery. I had to get up on a 10 ft ladder and change the battery. Except, I am a freakin girl and I don't keep 9 volt batteries in the house...just in case. I have 15 kinds of moisturizer, and shades of every nail polish for every season. But, it never occurred to me to keep 9 volt batteries, AA, AAA or any other kind of battery anywhere other than the store. And don't even get me started on the cable guy asking me for a flashlight...uh, oh...yep, I got started. Dude, I am wearing 5 inch heels...Do I look like I have a flashlight? Aren't you the freakin cable guy? You work in basements and garages...why don't you have a flashlight.

So, if you want to marry me and you are male, have never asked me before, are not on the sex offender list or have committed any serious violent, drug related or other felonious crimes(not sure that is a word...but go with it)...then consider me your girl. I do draw the line at bad breath.
Don't waste time, you should act now...because I am sending off for a Male Order Groom application from Wyoming. Just a note: I am not willing to relocate. I have a big house, no money...but I am an excellent cook. I make a fantastic martini and can shotgun a beer. I am fun, unpossesive, open and easy going. Don't mistake easygoing for easy...unless you are hot, there will be no hanky panky...hope you like sleeping on the couch. I bake, I grill, I attend baseball games and nod during other sports seasons.

All you need to do is take care of my wildlife issues, change my oil, my smoke detectors, stock my house with manly things like batteries, flashlights and screwdrivers and kill the occasional bug. I reserve the right to add additional items to your task list. Residents of Wisconsin, Washington and Rhode Island are not eligible by law. $14.95 for shipping and handling. Claims made in conjunction with this offer have not been substantiated by a governing authority, and by accepting the terms and conditions you agree to release those named herein.