Brext it Up!!!!

You know what pairs nicely with Brexting? (breakup by text) 100 proof Peppermint Schnapps. Or Tequila. Or Boones Farm Strawberry Hills. Or Maddog 20/20. Or Bitch Wine. Naked Wine, not so much. Or nakedness. Or Streaking....maybe. Ohhh....Polar Vortex and stuff. AHHHH.....chilly. And shrinkage. Not mine. Cold just makes me think of shrinkage. Ok, I think I am done. Sorry, for the stream of consciousness. I haven't made to the 2nd stage of Breakup. Ice Cream. I am still heavily enscounced (is that a word?) in alcohol and fried foods. If there was a chick-fil-a near my house, I would totally be up in some nuggets right now. Instead, I made my own nuggets tonight. Let's just say, that me, break up, schnapps and hot oil probably don't mix. But, don't worry Grandma. The fire truck in the neighborhood was not here for me this time!!! So, the topic of my little rant this evening is breaking up. It's so hard to do. After like a 1 year 1/2, I told the boy I was done. Via text. Which, may or may not make me a loser. But, let's be honest....Brexting is easier, less messy. Why do I want to break up with someone in my house, or at Applebees? Cuz, then there is crying and probably some sort of begging. It's just awardness over a Spinach & Artichoke dip. And I don't like when my chips are soggy. I don't think I am going to go into why I broke up, because in the weird little alternate universe I live in, I do love the guy. But, as I have said for years, had screen printed on a purple baseball t-shirt and smelly marker'd on a poster board in my room...Love Does Not Make the World Go 'Round. Cynical...yes. Jaded...definitely. A little sad...Oh, Hells Yes. But, despite how much you love someone, if you have really significant differing opinions on values, the world, outlook and how to be happy....it ain't gonna work. There has to be common ground. And thinking that my career is making Mad Cash to JUST go to meetings, is not common ground. Thinking I am materistic because I want a phone that does more than a rotary dial, is not common ground...just sayin. And constantly telling me that I am too good to date you...isn't so much an issue of common ground, as it is just dumb. I am sad. It's a sad day. But, this too shall pass. Luckily, I am a well seasoned woman in her 40's, who has been through the emotional manipulation, and crying games. I've come out on the other side, and frankly, I just don't have time for any kind of bullshit any longer. If you have self esteem issues, get over it. If you had a rough divorce, get over it. If you are lonely, get over it. If you are unhappy, get happy and get over it. Live is too freakin short to wallow in one emotional crisis after another. I was a drama queen in my 20's. THAT'S WHAT YOUR 20's ARE FOR!!!! Well, that and dancing on speakers, and having meaningless sex. Not, that I would know. But, you know what I mean. Life is too short to be unhappy. And unfortunately, that also means life is too shot to be around unhappy people. Ok, peeps....go make a snow man and stuff. Stay warm. Enjoy life. Even if for one night. Enjoy life. Because, that's what it is here for, right?

Long time no see....

What up, bitches? Long time no see. Sorry I haven't been around very much. I've been concentrating on my dance career. Recently, I've perfected twerking while playing Minecraft. I tried posting videos on youtube demonstrating my skills, but a group of concerned citizens petitioned over decency laws. Whatever.
So...how are you? (Did that sound sincere?)
Let's talk about me now.
I recently celebrated my one year anniversary with "the boy". And by boy, I mean a 42 yr old man with an affinity for pop tarts and blue juice. What can I say? He's got this incredibly sexy boyish charm.  It's been an interesting year....nothing boring about my relationship. I mean not Liam Hemsworth  or Anthony Weiner interesting, but certainly not drama free.
I'm going to skip over about 12 months and 3 weeks of the last year, and jump to the last week...when my boy tells me that he is going on a Boyfriend Leave of Absence. Let the words roll off your tongue, he says.... Leave of Absence. Wtf? Sounds like a breakup to me....but, no I'm assured that it's not a breakup. It's  really just a leave.
What the hell, am I? A job?
Do you get to " leave" a relationship, without breaking up? Is this something new? Is this a little known clause in Obamacare. I'm so confused. I mean I get that as parents and working adults, living an 1 1/2 hours away really sucks, and doesn't always make for the most romantic evenings. Let's be honest I'm not nearly as appealing when I'm falling asleep sitting up in mid sentence with a wine mustache at 9:30 on a Saturday. I know this.  But, you don't get to take a leave from life. If you did, we would all be sitting on a beach drinking frozen drinks with umbrellas and asking Fernando to rub lotion on our shoulders. Ok, maybe not all of  us. You don't get a time-out in relationships. You are either in it to Win it, or you are done. This isn't Freeze Tag. And there is no gray.
So, where does that leave me? I'm not sure. I love this guy, but I need someone present in my life. Someone who can take a knock, and get back up. Someone who won't let me go no matter what, no matter when, and no matter how. I need someone who is going to pull me back, and remind me why we even got here in the first place. Love is plentiful, but what you do with that love....that's what really counts.
Well, back to dancing... I'm working on this hot new move, that's kind of like the Cabbage Patch, but with less Cabbage and more Patch. Just wait, Miley Cyrus will be all over this.
I'm out....

Keeping the Pants On

It turned out to be an 8 1/2 hour  first date...minds out of the gutter people...talking was all that was involved.
We shut down the local coffee shop...then he walked me to my car.
It was a good night...I can't even remember what we talked about, but the hours flew by.
The next morning he asked for the pleasure of my company at dinner that evening. It was a 7 hour dinner date...and yes, I was wearing pants and kept them on all night long.
That night two things happened...none of which involved being roofied. He did the finest Cheech & Chong impersonation I have ever heard...and he said the following "I would be happy to kill your next bug". Normally this type of sentence alone, from a date, would cause an immediate criminal database search...but I told him about my dead bunny, bug killing rant. And I was a goner.
So, I've decided to kept this one around. Not sure where things will lead, but just to give it a shot I hid my dating profile and have turned down three other dates.
I haven't told him about the blog yet, but I am pretty sure he will find it amusing and not at all scary. Wish me luck with that!!!
In the mean time look for more posts about ordinary things like how I am contemplating creating a Hunger Games arena in my living room to combat behavior problems with my tweens. May the Odds Be Ever In Your Favor, my ass.

What's your password, again?

Inspired in part by a conversation with some high school friends..shout out to my Georgia Peeps!!! and partially inspired by the reunion of the Spice Girls at the Olympics..."If you wannabe my lover,  you have got to give..taking is too easy...Oh, tell me what you want...what ya really, really want..." I have decided to use my powers for good and not evil and create an online dating checklist. I love a list. And I need to help my more trusting fellow online daters with navigating the sharky infested waters of love. "People of the World...Spice Up Your Life!!" And I wanted an excuse to quote the Spice Girls...

1. If the guy/girl tells you they love on the first date, or want to be with you in eternal slumber...RUN.
2. If the guy/girl wants to move across 5 states to be with you after meeting just once... RUN.
3. If he asks if you want to blow his whistle baby...he's not talking orange safety whistle. RUN.
4. If they ask for your social security number, mothers maiden name and the birthdates of all of your children...Say nothing and RUN!
Just for clarification...I am talking about actual running, not funny literary running. I mean haul ass.
5. If they send you texts every 5 minutes telling you how much they miss you. And you've never met...RUN.
6. If they want to take you on a long, long hike...and want you to leave your cell phone at home...RUN. Preferably before they are chasing you ala Hunger Games in a dense forest.
7. Google their phone number, and if you find out that they like to post ads looking for a "massage"...RUN.
8. If anything BUT references to helping homeless animals or going to church comes up when you google their phone number...RUN.
9. If they are separated and are just looking to see what is out there...and don't have a picture posted...they are hiding something. Hopefully it not that they have a husband locked in the attic eating arsenic cookies, but always be leery of those without photos. RUN.
10. If their picture looks like a mug shot. It is. RUN.
11. If they ask where you are, more than once in a text conversation...RUN. Because dating is when they are on their "good" behavior...
12. If they pull out a measuring tape at dinner...to measure about much skin you might give...RUN.
13. If they want to meet at your house for the first date, it's not because they want to see your snowglobe collection. RUN.
14. Have a backup plan for the first date, make sure you meet in a public place and that if it goes badly someone you trust is onhand to come in and start yellling about how you are cheating on your husband/wife and the newborn baby at home...and why the hell would you go out when you know darn well you are in the middle of a Herpes breakout.

I hope this list has been  helpful...I myself will be using the list on Sunday when I meet a self-proclaimed deadhead, former distance cyclist/camping enthusiast. I haven't had the heart to tell him that my idea of camping is making a blanket fort in the living room and eating meat on a stick. Should be fun, just as long as he doesn't want to go hiking...in the woods, with a tape measure.

Watch Me Twirl My Flaming Batons!!!!

Well....after reading the last two posts..BORING...I think we need something to perk us all up. Don't you agree? The last couple of posts all stemmed from the fact that this terrible "relationship" I was in was seriously falling apart. And let me be honest. I use the term relationship loosely, since my friends and I referred to the Sales Dude (Yes, everyone gets a nickname) as the "Kid" since his emotional maturity level seems to have peaked at 12.

Sales Dude was funny, smart and talked about the future and wanted to make plans...but it seems that he was making plans with several other people too. He said I was a "breath of fresh air". I've heard that one before. But, really I was the backup. Or maybe not even the backup...probably more like Plan F. I got your F right here...Mr. Sales Douche.

So, I was bummed...just another emotional immature jackass who is bringing me down. After I got over feeling sorry for myself, and the vodka bottle was empty...I decided to screw it and just put the profile back up on the dating site. Might as well enjoy the rest of my summer without the kids by going out on some more dates.

I had 3 dates last week. Two in one night. Don't judge me, I am all about multi-tasking. Date #1 was with the stockbroker I went out with last fall. He still is boring, and made some joke about how I am on the "Dating Circuit". Sounds like I am some freakin old Beauty Queen.  Excuse me Mr. Broker, while I twirl my flaming batons too close to your comb-over.

Date#2 was just further evidence that I attract emotional unavailable men. Normally, I have an entire list of screening questions I pose to a potential date. You know like..."What are you looking for?", "Are you still married, or harboring a secret girlfriend in your home?", "Do you like chocolate?", "Have you at any time been accused or convicted of crime involving slipping the date rape drug to women you have met online?", "What's your favorite movie?", "Are you now, or have you ever been linked to any domestic or international terrorist group?", "Do you have a pet?"

In this case, I didn't get to ask any of those questions. So, of course we are sitting at the bar for drinks, when he tells me that he is still married...separated in fact, not getting divorced, still living with his wife and that I was his first date in almost 18 years. Let's just say that my reaction included the dropping of several f-bombs and grabbing a bottle of Jagermeister off the shelf behind the bar and slinging back a shot or 5. They don't like when you just grab bottles...go, figure. Look for my mugshot at the Batdorf the next time you go in!!!!!
What's going to be a joy and a pleasure...is the fact that this guy's kid is in the same school, same grade as Emily. I can't wait for Back to School Night!!!!

Date#3. Ugh. Ugh. He was nice. Funny. I'm sure a good guy. And I can't even go any further than that. He brought me a dozen roses. That should have made me happy, right? Do you have any idea how long it has been since I got flowers from a man??? That weren't left over from his grandma's funeral?? He just didn't set my world on fire. And he never is going to set my world on fire. I need fire. I need a flame. Hell, I need a spark...something. It's just not there. At all...
I feel so guilty. I wanted to like him. But, I just can't do it. Does this make me bad?

I have another date on Tuesday, with another guy. Duh, yeah...you know it's a guy. We are going for wings and beer. Girls gotta eat, right?  I also spent the afternoon texting someone else...I have no clue who. I kept trying to get him to give me some info...but, it wasn't working. I delete their names once I get bored, or the date turns out to be a dud. This was a deleted dude. Maybe later I'll just flat out ask him who he is, even though that window of opportunity has come and gone...but, could be fun!!!

100 Piece Puzzle

Eight years ago, I left my husband. I had $75 in my pocket and no plan, no job and no sense of future. I was hopeful, because the world I was leaving behind was one in which I could not longer live. Every waking moment was smothering, I was dying inside because of my unhappiness. I knew that by leaving I was going to finally be able to breathe. I left my house, my friends and the people I loved. I left everything. I knew leaving was the best thing I could do for my girls, and for myself. I don't regret it. It's the toughest, most courageous thing I have ever done.
What I didn't expect was that the loneliness of being a single parent can sometimes be crushing. It's the holidays, birthdays and vacation that seem to be the worst. I long for someone to laugh with and joke about how funny Emily is on Christmas morning, or how excited Molly is by birthday cupcakes. I see other families on vacation, and can't help but feel like a piece of us is missing. Don't get me wrong. My ex-husband is a piece of shit, and in no way shape or form worthy of any type of relationship with my children. I don't long for him...I long for a partner, someone who can be the father he couldn't be.
There are lots of things wrong with that scenario, and I have in fact created a world for the girls that don't need a father. But, the loneliness for me is sometimes overwhelming. Some may argue I need to see a shrink for that...but at the end of the day, when its all said and done...I go to bed alone. I know that I could in fact be in another relationship like the one I was in, but I am not.
I started dating, so that maybe I could find that partner and that missing puzzle piece. After giving it my best shot, a couple of times in fact...I still go to bed alone. I was dating someone who I thought could be my puzzle, but he never could quite make it out of the box. I've met two others on my journey, who I thought might be contenders...but, life sometimes works in mysterious ways.
My most recent endeavor has again ended. Timing is coincidence and not by design. And I can't help but again think, when is it going to be my turn.
I will as always move on, and will be fine. It's always been with the girls, they don't know what they don't know. Luckily they were young when I left and subsequently think Santa is a she. She is a she...and the most awesome she that there ever was.
I've tabled dating again. And I may very well close the blog...just because it seems silly to me to search for something I will never find. Plus, it was pointed out to me very recently that I am trying too hard. My entire life they tell me to work harder. I finally find something to pour some serious time into...and it becomes too hard. WTH?
Sometimes you just have to know when to say when. Plus, it gives me more time for my macaroni art.

No Fireworks for the Fourth

Let's face it, I don't have the best luck with men. Oh, sure some, maybe one or two the of guys I have dated haven't turned out to be TOTAL creeps. A few did...but not all. (Stop it, I'm not talking about you...but I am talking about you. ) A couple of them have even done very well since escaping from me. I haven't heard how Mike from the 1st grade turned out, I am going to assume that he is a serial killer and locked up in a maximum security prison in Kentucky where he online dates from the prison computer room.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that I have graduated (gotta love personal growth) from emotionally unavailable men, straight to selfish assholes who don't know how to use proper social conventions. Of course, I previously was not a fan of proper social conventions as they sometimes become a  crutch for people to act out their nastiness in a more polite manner. Screw that...say what ya mean, mean what you say. Just don't be an appendage when you do it. Unless you are really hot and have insane abs...then you can do whatever. Hold on a moment, I am thinking about Armyguy...hottest guy I have every gone out with, and he knows it...but I didn't care. I avoided Army guys for my entire adult life, for a very good reason. But, this guy made me want to go jump in a tank. Literally. Like for fun.

Anyway...but, if someone is asked over for dinner...and I am talking full courses, homemade and not from a can...and then is unable to attend for whatever reason, say a car issue or because  his Aunt Bertha has an intestinal problem...then he should  make his apologies and offer to reschedule. BUT, NOOOOOO...I don't date guys who apologize for anything good. I date guys that ignore me, and pretend that I don't exist except when it is convenient for them or I can offer them some amusement like the cat toy that I am. We can talk all day about why I let myself be the cat toy, but my psychotherapist is on vacation, so we will table that one for later. I did hit up the back up therapist, who despite being the founding member of the douchebag club has redeemed himself by giving me good dating advice (who would have thought), but we don't get too in depth into my psyche. Scary, scary place.

AND...while I am at it. What is up with the not responding to text messages, emails thing? Do you think that if you don't respond we will forget that we sent you a message?Oh, silly me...I can't remember what I was doing with this shiny square device that makes phone calls and shows me those upset birds.It's not like we are always asking you anything hard. I mean, simple questions.How is your day?  What do you want to do tomorrow? Are we writing it in the wrong language? Do we need to send you a piece of paper written in crayon, so you get it? I'm just so confused. Dating shouldn't be this hard. It should be simple, uncomplicated, but include conversations, dates and holding hands. Look, I know I am not perfect and women are complex too. I'm just saying, can't we just all get out of our heads and freakin get on with life. Date, not date, love, not love, show up for dinner,  figure it out and move on. I really wanted some fireworks for the 4th of July...you know what I'm saying...Fireworks. Guess I am stuck with sparklers again this year.

 Before all this dinner business I did go out with this guy that was very "cut to the chase". We texted for a day, then he moved to phone calls, and within 3 days we were out to lunch. He's philosophy...life's too short sitting around trying to figure out if you are compatible over a computer or phone..just meet. And if the chemistry is there, it's there...if not, move on. So, I agreed to go to lunch with him...and he was very sweet. Told me he was going to bring me a mix CD with his favorite songs as a first meeting gift. He had lunch waiting for me when I arrived...very cool. Now, I will say that he was older and had a droopy eye..but I was going with it, because how often do I find a guy who is no bullshit and has lunch waiting for me. I'm not completely shallow, despite what the warty sexual harassing exterminator told me after I hid in the bathroom during our date(I did say that I wanted someone to take care of my wildlife issues)...but I digress. Lunch lasted 15 minutes. Apparently it only takes me 15 minutes to eat a salad and for him to figure out we had no chemistry, and the minute I put my napkin down he was outta there. Politely of course, he said good bye...I didn't get my damn mix CD. But, cut the loses and move on. I like it like that. (oh, hell...now I have that stupid Hot Macaroni One Way boy band singing that song in my head...like it like that...yeah one more time...<