Last night I went speed dating. This was not just any speed dating evening...but a lock and key event. See previous post. So, tucked away off of Highway 83 in a quaint little cheesy bar, the lock and key event would occur.
When my friend and I walk in, we don't know what to expect. But, we check in with "S" at the front and receive nametags. Well, you know how I feel about nametags...I think we should all wear them everywhere...just so we know who is single and who is not, and what particular issue you may or may not have. Hi, My name is Julie...and I use my humor as a shield and sword and always am on the lookout for something bad to happen to me!!!
But, alas these nametags are just your regular sharpie name on an average sized Avery file lable. Not nearly what I was hoping!
After checking in....we go to the bar. Both my friend and I are in dire need of booze. We sort of peek around a bit to see if anyone interesting is around...at whihc point we meet "G". He about 5 feet tall and has a strange sparkle in his eye. I imagine that the sparkle is from his proximity to my chest...given his height, and my willingness to wear 4 inch hooker shoes out in public. I will see the sparkle more times than I care to as the evening goes on.
But...we chat, decide to do a shot and continue to wait for the dating to go down.
So...our hostess callls us into a room. 6 tables are set up with laminated sheets of questions at every table. We are asked to sit 4 women to a table...so we head to the corner table...note...this is the only table with access to an exit. We will want to use this exit several times over the course of the evening. I never actually get to make it as far as the exit...although I almost bolted while in the bathroom. Until the good girl in me felt bad for bailing on mu friend. Oh, who am I kidding...I just couldn't run that fast in the hooker shoes.
At our first table, we have another 5 ft tall gentleman "T". He is more built like a short Sylvester Stallone and has tattoos up and down his arms. Remember the hat Rocky wore in the first movie..."T" is wearing one as well. Yo Adrine!!!!
There seem to be no shortage of short dudes at this little event. Ha, ha, ...little event.
Anyway...so, we sort of discuss the questions...trying to break the ice. There is only so much ice that can be broken when your questions inlude:
"If you talked in your sleep, what would you say and why?"
"If you could take a bath in anything, what would it be and why?"
"Why is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?"
And my personal favorite..."What do martians do on Mars?".
Upon reading the questions...a very lovely monotone talker preceeds to discuss Freud. I just did a shot of a blue sticky sweet liquor, am at a roadside bar in New Cumberland and am stuck in a room with at least 20 guys who will never hit this. I could care less about Freud.
To be continued....
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
You are a Loser Top Eight!
Wow...this is two posts in one day. I feel like I should be tired or something...But, I just read an article on Yahoo called "Eight Signs That He is Into You". And felt like I needed to offer my rebuttal. So, I give you the "Eight Signs That He's Not Into You" or what I like to call the "You are Loser Top Eight". Some of these may be rated R, so take the kids out of the room...and lock them up where they belong.
8. On your first date, orders just one beer for you to share...and licks the glass before you drink.
7. Sends you a random text message refering to no topic you have ever discussed and in it calls you Tina.
6. Takes out his phone during your date to chat with a chick online in New Jersey.
5. He asks you to take his picture so he can update his profile.
4. When discussing online dating, he refers to it as a hobby.
3. When talking about your interests, says "did you tell me that already?"
2. Explains not emailing for weeks, by saying that his email was hacked.
1. When he puts his pants back on, he laughs and says.."wow, that was easy!'
8. On your first date, orders just one beer for you to share...and licks the glass before you drink.
7. Sends you a random text message refering to no topic you have ever discussed and in it calls you Tina.
6. Takes out his phone during your date to chat with a chick online in New Jersey.
5. He asks you to take his picture so he can update his profile.
4. When discussing online dating, he refers to it as a hobby.
3. When talking about your interests, says "did you tell me that already?"
2. Explains not emailing for weeks, by saying that his email was hacked.
1. When he puts his pants back on, he laughs and says.."wow, that was easy!'
Can I see your hardware?
Speedating. No, it has nothing to do with Apollo Anton Ono or a pair of skates...but just the thought of it has me sweating like a female German weightlifter. I have decided to go speedating on Thursday with a friend from work. This isn't just any speedating trek into desperate single waters...no it is a lock and key event.
What is a lock and key event you ask? Some sort of dungeon themed dating party? Oh, no..according to the dating website a lock and key event has nothing to do with shackles and chains:
"Men get keys, women get locks. As soon as you check in and get your first lock or key, set off to try and find its match. Every key matches at least 2-3 locks, so depending on how outgoing you are, you could find your first match within minutes! Just approach a member of the opposite sex and ask if you can see if your hardware is a match."
As if the men having a key wasn't symbolic enough...I am willing to bet that the "hardware" jokes will be flying. I feel like I need to brush up on my key jokes and be prepared for deciding how long after approaching a guy across the room, he can stick it in my lock. I mean the key...gutter people...minds out!!!
So, peeps...I need some good lock and key pick up lines. This is where I ask you, my smart, funny, illustrious group of readers. Yes, all 9 of you. I need pick up line ideas. Comment below...post them on my fb wall, or shoot me an email. On Wednesday I will choose the top three and award prizes. Everyone loves prizes!!! Just don't expect much more than a stolen pen from the orthodontist...I am girl on a budget.
Come on...help a spinster out!
What is a lock and key event you ask? Some sort of dungeon themed dating party? Oh, no..according to the dating website a lock and key event has nothing to do with shackles and chains:
"Men get keys, women get locks. As soon as you check in and get your first lock or key, set off to try and find its match. Every key matches at least 2-3 locks, so depending on how outgoing you are, you could find your first match within minutes! Just approach a member of the opposite sex and ask if you can see if your hardware is a match."
As if the men having a key wasn't symbolic enough...I am willing to bet that the "hardware" jokes will be flying. I feel like I need to brush up on my key jokes and be prepared for deciding how long after approaching a guy across the room, he can stick it in my lock. I mean the key...gutter people...minds out!!!
So, peeps...I need some good lock and key pick up lines. This is where I ask you, my smart, funny, illustrious group of readers. Yes, all 9 of you. I need pick up line ideas. Comment below...post them on my fb wall, or shoot me an email. On Wednesday I will choose the top three and award prizes. Everyone loves prizes!!! Just don't expect much more than a stolen pen from the orthodontist...I am girl on a budget.
Come on...help a spinster out!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hello My Name is Helga
Here is the best part about online dating...when you fill out a profile, you can be whomever you want to be. If I want to be a svelte supermodel from Czech, I can be. Fill out the correct height, education and wants/likes...and you can be someone for anyone. Hi, my name is Julie. I am into cubist art, indie films and Battlestar Galactica. I secretly want to work for Greenpeace and aspire to be a a better person to my fellow man.
This is especially true if I don't put up a photo. All it takes in this day and age is some decent google skills, and I can positively plant the correct information to make my potential date believe I LOVE being a vegatarian and live in Utah . So, when I meet guys online who seem to be too good to be true...I need to remind myself that they are. What you don't want my phone number? Real guys I know, in real life are DYING for my phone number...even if they don't like me, like me...guys LOVE phone numbers.
I mean really life is not like the movies, and when they say that the guys acts like they are all that and a bag of chips...I need to request pretzels.
A funny conversation online isn't like meeting in real life...it's still online. And people hide things for a reason. I mean, am I really going to tell a potential date about dancing on speaker stories...and are they really going to tell me that they really are a woman, with 5 kids living in a former Eastern Bloc country with a phone job working for Capital One or Big Ladies Loving Life Hotline?
And that boys and girls is the problem...online is not real. Life is life, and online is online. So, for that reason...let's get our happy on and find some profiles to make of....I mean, it's not like we are making fun of real people right?
Ok.. I expect this to be a work in progress, but here at 2: 40am we'll see what I come up with. Whew 100 characters down already!!
UPDATE! OK LET ME TRY THIS AGIN! THIS SITE IS HISTERICAL LOL, I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE PICTURES OF KIDS LOCKED IN A DOGS CAGE THE RED FLAGS SHOULD BE FLYING HIGH LOL. YES THIS GIRL HAD HER KID LOCKED IN A CAGE WTF!!!! I MEAN LADIES YOU'RE SINGLE FOR A REASON! 1) YOU DROVE YOUR MAN CRAZY OR 2) HE DROVE YOU CRAZY! LOL ;). SOME GIRLS ON HERE NEED A LESSON IN ETHICS
Just for the record I have sent enough emails. I am done with that. If you are interested you contact me. Stupid Jerk Fishing!!!!! You girls wonder why men send dumb emails cause we are tired of no responses!
Before I get started if your a slob don't both going on if you look around your house and theres piles of stuff and you look like a hoarder or something don't bother I'm not a fanatic but do care how my house looks I'm looking for someone who is young at heart
Never knew the line, "Sleeps with the fishes" could be a double entendre before. Thanks POF!
Time for a new profile description,although judging by the amout of views to messages ratio, I'd say most of you will not see this!!
I threw out my tv.
Dont talk much but I mean what I say except when I'm being sarcastic.
Honesty, I try my best at it but being human it'
This is especially true if I don't put up a photo. All it takes in this day and age is some decent google skills, and I can positively plant the correct information to make my potential date believe I LOVE being a vegatarian and live in Utah . So, when I meet guys online who seem to be too good to be true...I need to remind myself that they are. What you don't want my phone number? Real guys I know, in real life are DYING for my phone number...even if they don't like me, like me...guys LOVE phone numbers.
I mean really life is not like the movies, and when they say that the guys acts like they are all that and a bag of chips...I need to request pretzels.
A funny conversation online isn't like meeting in real life...it's still online. And people hide things for a reason. I mean, am I really going to tell a potential date about dancing on speaker stories...and are they really going to tell me that they really are a woman, with 5 kids living in a former Eastern Bloc country with a phone job working for Capital One or Big Ladies Loving Life Hotline?
And that boys and girls is the problem...online is not real. Life is life, and online is online. So, for that reason...let's get our happy on and find some profiles to make of....I mean, it's not like we are making fun of real people right?
Ok.. I expect this to be a work in progress, but here at 2: 40am we'll see what I come up with. Whew 100 characters down already!!
UPDATE! OK LET ME TRY THIS AGIN! THIS SITE IS HISTERICAL LOL, I MEAN WHEN YOU SEE PICTURES OF KIDS LOCKED IN A DOGS CAGE THE RED FLAGS SHOULD BE FLYING HIGH LOL. YES THIS GIRL HAD HER KID LOCKED IN A CAGE WTF!!!! I MEAN LADIES YOU'RE SINGLE FOR A REASON! 1) YOU DROVE YOUR MAN CRAZY OR 2) HE DROVE YOU CRAZY! LOL ;). SOME GIRLS ON HERE NEED A LESSON IN ETHICS
Just for the record I have sent enough emails. I am done with that. If you are interested you contact me. Stupid Jerk Fishing!!!!! You girls wonder why men send dumb emails cause we are tired of no responses!
Before I get started if your a slob don't both going on if you look around your house and theres piles of stuff and you look like a hoarder or something don't bother I'm not a fanatic but do care how my house looks I'm looking for someone who is young at heart
Never knew the line, "Sleeps with the fishes" could be a double entendre before. Thanks POF!
Time for a new profile description,although judging by the amout of views to messages ratio, I'd say most of you will not see this!!
I threw out my tv.
Dont talk much but I mean what I say except when I'm being sarcastic.
Honesty, I try my best at it but being human it'
Friday, June 17, 2011
I want to talk to you-Updated
Short blog tonight...and but this is my new favorite dating profile for the week. Thought I would share. Warning...it is rated R. BUT...I have added a bonus track. Take a look.
I'm not really gay, duh...I would be on a gay site if I were.
Contact me if you’re interested in meeting.
Do not send me an email unless you have full intentions of getting in your car and driving to a public place to meet at some point, whether you’re alone or with someone else when we meet. Or if you want me to pick you up.
Dont take it the wrong way, I will talk with anyone. And want to talk to you, I'm just tired of receiving messages that turn into nothing more than conversation through messages. I do enough emailing at work.
I'm here for business, not by my choice. I'm not looking for love or a relationship, I know I will be returning to TX and have no intentions of moving to PA.
Good luck on your search for whatever that might be.
I'm not...let me repeat NOT looking for sex!! I can pleasure myself very well, thank you!
I find women beautiful and am just curious to know
Do you...
like to watch porn?
dance naked with the lights on?
let others watch you have sex?
Are you...
a perv?
a nasty talker?
a fantisizer?
a dream maker?
Did you answer yes to any of these questions?
Another profile...from a guy who just emailed me.
If you have a tattoo on the small of your back or on your chest (or anywhere on your body for that matter), please don't contact me. In it's natural form, the human body is beautiful without a sweet tribal tat. Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
Does your profile?
Look like this?
I can wear jeans.
I can wear a dress.
I like pizza.
I like fun.
I am so random.
If it does.
You're too young for me.
No matter how old you are.
Ladies! If you'd like to "start as friends first" and "see where it goes from there" but you're "not looking for a relationship" and you're "open to a relationship in the future", that means YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do you want someone to like you for your personality? Then show JUST your personality in your profile, not your body in trashy half naked pics. Hope this helps!
To my soulmate, wherever you are, I will definitely look forward to hearing from YOU!
I'm not really gay, duh...I would be on a gay site if I were.
Contact me if you’re interested in meeting.
Do not send me an email unless you have full intentions of getting in your car and driving to a public place to meet at some point, whether you’re alone or with someone else when we meet. Or if you want me to pick you up.
Dont take it the wrong way, I will talk with anyone. And want to talk to you, I'm just tired of receiving messages that turn into nothing more than conversation through messages. I do enough emailing at work.
I'm here for business, not by my choice. I'm not looking for love or a relationship, I know I will be returning to TX and have no intentions of moving to PA.
Good luck on your search for whatever that might be.
I'm not...let me repeat NOT looking for sex!! I can pleasure myself very well, thank you!
I find women beautiful and am just curious to know
Do you...
like to watch porn?
dance naked with the lights on?
let others watch you have sex?
Are you...
a perv?
a nasty talker?
a fantisizer?
a dream maker?
Did you answer yes to any of these questions?
Another profile...from a guy who just emailed me.
If you have a tattoo on the small of your back or on your chest (or anywhere on your body for that matter), please don't contact me. In it's natural form, the human body is beautiful without a sweet tribal tat. Big Steelers fan? Awesome! Don't contact me. Mouth-breathers who have no sense of self are too stupid to attract a man without sacrificing their femininity and rationalize this behavior with the most basic, caveman level of logic. "If me act like him, maybe him will like me". It's ridiculous that most of the profiles I read look like they were made by teenage boys. "This is my fav football team and this is my fav baseball team". I'm sure those things are really going to help a guy figure out if he should be dating you. Because, ya know, liking the same hockey player or liking the same beer is totally going to help you love each other more and lie to each other less. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HAVE IN COMMON! Oh yeah, and don't tell me about how attractive you are. Try to refrain from calling yourself hot, sexy, etc. If you need an explanation for that one, you are conceited and I am not interested.
Does your profile?
Look like this?
I can wear jeans.
I can wear a dress.
I like pizza.
I like fun.
I am so random.
If it does.
You're too young for me.
No matter how old you are.
Ladies! If you'd like to "start as friends first" and "see where it goes from there" but you're "not looking for a relationship" and you're "open to a relationship in the future", that means YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP. Do you want someone to like you for your personality? Then show JUST your personality in your profile, not your body in trashy half naked pics. Hope this helps!
To my soulmate, wherever you are, I will definitely look forward to hearing from YOU!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Everybody Needs Somebody to Love
So..I decided to go back to the online dating sites. Let's face it...I have a good touch of ADD, have no life outside of my four walls...and a higher than average ability to type quickly. Plus, if I had to look at Christina Aquilera's boobs hanging out one more time on The Voice...I was going to scream. Love Adam Levine...call me!!! Meaning...TV was just not floating my ice cream.
I am back on Plenty of Fish...purely for the fact that I get more action on that site and it has the highest ratio of wackos per psychos...what? Trust me...you love when I am on here...this is where all of the good material comes from.
I am contemplating going back to Match...and let me tell you why. I am not going to let one failed attempt with an international man of mystery keep me off the most entertaining piece of world wide web since Rebecca Black's Friday video. Nope...not me. I am ready to get back out there...show some good stuff off to the world and I ain't talking Weinerizing.
Add to the fact that I am signed up for speed dating in July. That should be worth the $20 just to hear me talk about it...I am hoping to have a busy summer on my hands.
Whether it is online dating, speed dating or hanging out at Lowe's...let's face it, it's tough to be single in the world today. Everybody is just looking for someone to love(I'm singing in my head...are you? No? Maybe I didn't take my meds today)...and as an ode to my fellow searchers on this crazy carnival ride. I give you this link to a great video.
Dating Fail
(thanks to my favorite texting and driving psychotherapist for passing this along)
I am back on Plenty of Fish...purely for the fact that I get more action on that site and it has the highest ratio of wackos per psychos...what? Trust me...you love when I am on here...this is where all of the good material comes from.
I am contemplating going back to Match...and let me tell you why. I am not going to let one failed attempt with an international man of mystery keep me off the most entertaining piece of world wide web since Rebecca Black's Friday video. Nope...not me. I am ready to get back out there...show some good stuff off to the world and I ain't talking Weinerizing.
Add to the fact that I am signed up for speed dating in July. That should be worth the $20 just to hear me talk about it...I am hoping to have a busy summer on my hands.
Whether it is online dating, speed dating or hanging out at Lowe's...let's face it, it's tough to be single in the world today. Everybody is just looking for someone to love(I'm singing in my head...are you? No? Maybe I didn't take my meds today)...and as an ode to my fellow searchers on this crazy carnival ride. I give you this link to a great video.
Dating Fail
(thanks to my favorite texting and driving psychotherapist for passing this along)
Monday, June 6, 2011
Tool Time
I had this flash the other night...of my future self. Forward 35 years and I am singing Karaoke (Vintage Britney Spears) at the old folks home, to get the attention of the single Alzheimer guys (they forget when I say stupid things to them). I'm wearing a tube top, skinny jeans, 3 inch orthopedic shoes...but I am still blonde. And still single. It's a depressing thought.
This flash was probably prompted by the cancellation of my match.com account. I decided that I had enough of weirdos, 50 year old toothless bikers and guys who disappear. Speaking of which...International Man of Mystery showed back up again this week. And apparently the internet doesn't work in Florida anymore.
But, I digress...So, I canceled my account. I have to admit I sort of miss the fun of searching...but not that much. It wasn't like I was all that successful anyway.
But, I don't want to end up alone at the nursing home trying to get someone to share their pudding with me.
Recently a friend suggested that the idea of hanging out at Lowe's wasn't such a bad idea...I even got pointers on how to pick up a guy. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Although I'm not sure what my style is anymore considering the last time I really tried to pick up a stranger, the cute drunk routine was my style. Cute drunk works when you are 25, doesn't work when you are 39...unless you have had some work done.
I really want the Lowe's idea to work...in theory. But, I may need some practice before I try it out in person. So...I have compiled a list of things I may say if I happen upon a nice looking guy while I am hanging out at Lowe's.
-How do you like to wack your weeds?
-Do you know someone who would like to mow my lawn?
-I need a snake for my drain? Can you point me in the right direction?
-I am looking for a big screw...what aisle is that on?
-Can you show me your tools?
-I need a good hammer...can you suggest where I would find one?
-I could use some work on my plumbing...
-I keep popping a nut off my screw...is that normal?
Not sure that any of those things will actually help me out. Maybe I should get someone to drive me to Lowe's and I can try the cute drunk girl routine...while asking for help finding a nail? Or it may be time to look into finding a mail order groom from a former communist country where the men haven't quite figured out what neurotic is.
This flash was probably prompted by the cancellation of my match.com account. I decided that I had enough of weirdos, 50 year old toothless bikers and guys who disappear. Speaking of which...International Man of Mystery showed back up again this week. And apparently the internet doesn't work in Florida anymore.
But, I digress...So, I canceled my account. I have to admit I sort of miss the fun of searching...but not that much. It wasn't like I was all that successful anyway.
But, I don't want to end up alone at the nursing home trying to get someone to share their pudding with me.
Recently a friend suggested that the idea of hanging out at Lowe's wasn't such a bad idea...I even got pointers on how to pick up a guy. Unfortunately, that isn't my style. Although I'm not sure what my style is anymore considering the last time I really tried to pick up a stranger, the cute drunk routine was my style. Cute drunk works when you are 25, doesn't work when you are 39...unless you have had some work done.
I really want the Lowe's idea to work...in theory. But, I may need some practice before I try it out in person. So...I have compiled a list of things I may say if I happen upon a nice looking guy while I am hanging out at Lowe's.
-How do you like to wack your weeds?
-Do you know someone who would like to mow my lawn?
-I need a snake for my drain? Can you point me in the right direction?
-I am looking for a big screw...what aisle is that on?
-Can you show me your tools?
-I need a good hammer...can you suggest where I would find one?
-I could use some work on my plumbing...
-I keep popping a nut off my screw...is that normal?
Not sure that any of those things will actually help me out. Maybe I should get someone to drive me to Lowe's and I can try the cute drunk girl routine...while asking for help finding a nail? Or it may be time to look into finding a mail order groom from a former communist country where the men haven't quite figured out what neurotic is.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
