Hanging Out

I think I am depressed. I'm tired, all I want to do is eat cookies and the siren's song of the shoe sale does not appeal to me. I didn't even have a glass of wine tonight...oh, this is so bad. I even...wait for it....told my daughter she could buy a snuggie.

What exactly has me turning to the world of Reeses Chips Ahoy? Dating drama. But, in this instance...not dating drama. I think things are completely over with my international man of mystery. He didn't seem real excited to hear from me last week, so I blasted an email to him scoping it out. To which he responds that it seemed like I didn't want to do anything more than hang out.

What exactly else did he want to do in a public place next to a table of Mennonite tourist? It's Hershey for Pete's sake...it's not like it's Vegas with all sorts of table action going on. Both in and out of the casino.
I was offended. So, I blasted an email back...clearly laying out the fact that I don't do casual. Which I told him once before, months and months ago...THEN he says that he's not sure what he wants...because he is probably moving in 6 months. What??? Where did that come from? Ok, so why even go out with me at all....then it all makes sense.

He never wanted to call me, he only met me at night, he's cold to the touch, never goes to the bathroom and he's from Germany...he MUST be a vampire!! Wait..hold on, sorry...I was watching Twilight while I write.

Let's go back...never wanted to call me, disappeared all the time, was hot and cold on the whole dating thing, and told me stories about his friends having friends with benefits. He wanted a hook up. How did I not spot it? He was very crafty. Throwing in random cute stories about his sister and how the Audi makes a nice family SUV to make me think he was an actual thinking, feeling human who wasn't only trying to get me out of my skinny jeans. And yes, K-Mart makes a very nice skinny jean.

Now...do you understand why I am depressed? It's hard not to feel like I did something wrong. That maybe he did see the food in my teeth, or didn't like the way I sang Lady Gaga songs on the way to the bathroom. Or, maybe even that the 39 yr old chubby single mom isn't as much fun, intellectually stimulating or witty as she really thinks she is. That can SO not be it...because I am freaking hilarious.

It's hard to get your point across via email, when you are emailing someone back and forth. And let's face it, online dating profiles aren't exactly an executive summary. It's easy to see how we both were expecting something different from one another. At least that's what I am telling myself so I will stay away from the cookies. But, why did he have to be cute and smell good. Damn. Anyway...going with a theme of easily misunderstood, I give you the latest dating profiles of some crazy men who want to make sure that you don't misunderstand. Anything.

Bald men with no jobs and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women

I love to have fun. Paula Deen is hot! I love you, Paula! Where is my Paula Deen?

Did I mention that I’m not gay. . .cause I'm not?!

WOW WHAT A DEAL! NOT TO SOUND LIKE AN ARROGANT BASTERD, BUT I AM A STEAL! SO HURRY ON OVER WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

Can you stimulate me intellectual; if not, don't bother? Communication is so important to me. I long for love but beware, I am too independent to be changed or controlled and I demand respect

looking to add some excitement. haven't decided where to draw the line, but if you have something in mind, i'd probably be up for it! serious meets, no games.

know everyone is looking for prince charming but come on ladies... Prince pimp is right here!!!Don't be afraid.

Just looking for a good, HONEST woman. Currently incarcerated but will be home in less then a year.

Winning!

So..it's been a while since I blogged. I'd like to say it's because of some deep dark secret illness that I had, that shrunk my thighs and made me even more beautiful and attractive to the male population at large...but really it's because I was tired of whining about getting no action. I guess whining is a strong word, but I like to use it.

I'll catch you up on my love life rather quickly...talked to some dudes online, dodged some creepy dudes online...got a email from a creepy dude that said "yummy" and nothing else...and was checked out by a friends soon to be ex-husband. Another creeper. Texted with some other guys...TEXT!!! I am so hip. Had a couple of really great conversations with men who have some real clear psychological issues and went out on two dates with the dude who dodged me a couple of times before. (see previously blogs) You know your basic single dating stuff...

But, now that I have been out a couple of times on real-life dates...and not the pretend kind I act out in my living room...Some interesting things have occured to me. Well, they are interesting to me...but I also have a picture of Rob Pattinson in my bedroom. So, let's use the word interesting with a grain of salt, shall we?

So, here is what I have been thinking about...dates are so much pressure. What do you wear, where do you meet, how do you tell if they are an axe murderer, who pays, and how much wine is too much? And don't even get me started about the whole food thing...ugh! I had french fries at last night's date, and got food caught in my teeth. I knew it was caught, but couldn't figure a classy way of getting up to go get rid of the crap in my teeth. SO, I sat there for about 5 minutes, terrified that he would see the french fries, become grossed out and ditch me when my back was turned.
Plus, I have decided to take Immodium before every date, just in case. Nothing ruins a good time faster than public bathroom diarrhea. Not that I am having those issues, but I just want to be pro-active, instead of reactive. Know what I mean?

So, on the plus side...dates have been good, guy appears to be normal...and he smells good too, which has taken care of my good hygiene requirement. I'm trying not to get my hopes up at this point, but so far I am having a good time. If he turns out to be an axe murderer, or married or a Cross dresser...a cross dressing married axe murderer, I'll let you know.

Until next time...here are the fun, and fabulous crazy posts. Enjoy.

**Sane. Have a great job. A nice car. Don't live with my mom..I own my own house. Am over my ex. And I won't send you pictures of my genitals.**

ask me to know me.searching for a job.i do not send money to any one.i am qiuet man.i like fishing,walking.music,animals,but i do not have,flowers.i like black,blue,red,white,greem

This is me ,., WINNING.. ..

I'm a well rounde bi sexual guy that enjoys life as it comes.

I’d like to meet a nice reasonably normal girl to spend time with. Preferably no crack heads, porn stars, religious cult members, or spoiled bratts

Hello my name is John , I no you get alot of emails from men, but i can honestly say i have read your profile and like what i read and see.

***I JUST MOVED TO CHINA. UNLESS YOU'RE IN CHINA AS WELL, THIS MAY NOT WORK OUT.***

Hello pretty young girl, how are you? you ahve a nice profile. i am interested in knowing about you. email me if you are interested and we start from there. Feel free to email me and i would be happy to hear from you.
good night sweety.

Ok so my friend met a woman on here and after a year or so she turned out to be a nightmare and started treating his kids like they were a nuisance while having 2 of her own.

Shiny, Voluminous Hair

I have reached my limit. I can only take so many flirts, emails and "winks" from toothless, unemployed, 50 yr old men (and sometimes even women). It's really starting to get to me. I actually considered talking to a rougher than usual looking guy tonight, just so my non-existent online dating life wouldn't feel so lifeless, pathetic and alone...you know like Courtney and David's marriage.

Then I turned on the television and it snapped me back to reality. Because everything I see on TV is attainable and real and makes me feel better about my life!!!!! I am smart, funny, even cute. I would be a great date. I totally am worth everything that I could have coming to me like that new silver Lexus, and firm abs and clean and clear skin with shiny, voluminous hair. Ooops....must have caught the TV during commercial.

I mean...just for example on Parenthood last night, the single mom totally had two hotties hiting on her. So, if she (slightly flaky bartender with two kids AND living with her parents. I have my own rental, one up on her...BOOO YAAAA) can hook up with a hot dude, why can't I? Right? Now, granted...she has a hot bod, perfect hair and teeth and a wardrobe I would die for. But, that's beside the point. Ugh! I bet she even gets pedicures. Damn.

I just have to remain positive. I am not a loser. I am not ugly, or socially awkward to the point that I am not fun to be around. It's my social awkwardness that makes me so fun. I am, well...Julie. One of kind, and not at all ready to settle for a 50 yr old toothless dude who lives with his mom.

Unless, of course this takes me another decade and my mothers prediction for me comes true. All together now...."your teeth will rot if you don't brush your teeth!"

yo quiero taco bell

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you may have missed a conversation somewhere, because nothing really makes sense. I'm having one of those weeks. I feel like I missed out on some big joke, or maybe I slipped and fell and forgot who I was, maybe I will even get a Lifetime TV movie. I wonder who will play me?...I'm not sure.

So, if you read the blog, you know that I am searching for Mr. Not So Annoying...my fictional (maybe fictional) dude that isn't going to annoy the hell out of me, wants to hang out in my life and occasionally takes out the trash. No, trash is not symbolic here...I am really talking about trash.

Flash to last week, and I finally got some action on match.com. Even got asked out...like on a real date, and not a drive thru visit to Taco Bell. Then, he bailed. Sent me a note that said he couldn't make it, had to got to an out of town meeting and would contact me when he got back. Unless, this was a really long meeting and only allows for writing with a quill and parchment...because he still seems to be chatting up a storm on match.com....I am guessing I got ditched. So ,immediately several thoughts run through my head. See below....

I was abducted by aliens, and while I was abducted I sent him a scathing email about my feelings on the tea party.

He is actually a woman, and he couldn't get to his doctor for his testosterone shot this week.

He somehow saw me, and it just so happened to be in the company parking lot the other morning when I was getting out of the car and I had to pull out that wedgie.

My reputation proceeded me,and he decided to dump me before we could buy a hermit crab together.

He's married, and has a family in Hoboken.

He read the blog, and was not impressed with my use of witty, engaging humor about my love life.

He is a dufus.


I have several other ideas, but I'm not sure I know how to spell all of those words. But, it's just another weird interaction from online dating. I'm trying not be discouraged, but really REALLY???? Either way, I am now free to hit the Taco Bell drive thru just in case anyone wants to go. Somebody pass me the hot sauce.


To make myself feel better, I am give you my favorite part of the blog...profiles!!!!

Hi BABY How are you doing today? you are looking nice in pictures, I admire you . i guest my simple hi will make you to smile

Iam a good guy looking for a mature women to love me n respect be my princess i just want love i had been 17 mth single n i feel lonely so here iam will make ur dreams cme true i would love u

I am me. I am he. I am she. I am you. I am we. I am what you want me to be. I am want I want me to be. I am what he wants me to be. I am what she wants me to be. I am what we are.

No man is an island...but I am a peninsula.

Hello you little frog kisser. "Oh, be my prince." Smooch. Smooch. Ribbitt. Ribbitt. I don't want the prettiest girl in the room; just the best and it doesn't matter if I'm the only one who knows it.

BOFD and Other Things I Don't Understand

It sounds like a great idea...meet people online with whom you have common interests and a similar desired outcome. Get your minds of the gutter, people and mom. You get to look at pictures, decide who you like and strike up a conversation. Maybe if an email conversation goes well, you move onto IM, maybe the phone and ultimately meet to see if you are compatible. Doesn't too difficult does it?

But, there is a whole series of rules, regulations, etiquette guidelines, secret codes, smoke signals, rituals, virtually an entire vernacular that goes along with it. Oh, yeah...I whipped out the word "vernacular". And just plain old things your should do and not do.

I mean, do you know what BOFD means? Well, it doesn't mean Breakdances on First Date. I loved Electric Boogaloo!!!!!
And if someone asks you if you want to "hang out"? Does it mean online or in person?
Being asked by someone about your clothes in a im conversation doesn't really mean that they have been watching too much Project Runway..but signals a different direction in the conversation. Now is the time for the gutter.

People make a whole process of meeting people just to talk about "stuff" online. By stuff, I'm not talking Beanie Babies. Is this what fear of STD's, AIDS, personal intimacy, cuddling and unshaven legs has left us with?

And in today's virtual world...how do you really know what someone is asking you? Think grammar, puncuation, etc!!!! And what happens when there is none?
I mean how am I supposed to know what to do, or what an acceptable time frame in which to do it. I mean he asked me to hang out...but then didn't respond when I responded. What's up with that?

Really, did that other guy ask me if I was in my pajamas? I'm a single mom with two kids...my pajamas are a faded t-shirt, and pair of boxers I stole from some dude in college, complete with beer stain. I don't know if he was thinking Frederick's of Hollywood, but I haven't worn satin, lace or anything holding anything else up since my wedding. What does that question even mean?

And if someone says that they are into horses, do they really mean horses? Am I weird for even asking that question?

I'm the Pepsi generation...I thought the Singles Soundtrack was going to save the music industry, I have dreamed about Dave Grohl since Smells Like Teen Spirit, I knew that the Million Dollar Man BELONGED with the Bionic Woman, Lenny & Squiggy were just friends with small IQ's and when Flo said "Kiss my Grits!!" she really meant it. I am not mentally prepared for all of this winking, IM'ing, coy use of the emoticon.
Maybe that makes me ***GASP*** old fashioned, but so be it.

Let's get it started

Wow...so all it took was to stop thinking, and some Riesling to get this party started. I have action. Yes, folks. Action. No, get your minds out the gutter. I have email action. And I may or may not have been asked out on a date. There is some ambiguity around that...part of the side effects from NOT thinking.

I joined Match.com sometime last week, or the week before. I was really holding out on doing this because of the "incident" with the psycho from Tyco and the "dude", who may or may not have been a woman. Both of whom I met from Match. This is clearly a story for another time.

So, wasn't feeling the Match.com love. But, I decided to try again. Forget over analyzing everything. I went for it. And, I have had a legitimate conversation with a real guy. Well, at least I think he is a guy...and so far, I feel good about it. Actually, it was about two hours on instant messenger...but that counts as a conversation right? We talked more on instant messenger than I did with my ex-husband the entire last year of our marriage...unless you count that night I forgot who he was.

Not sure what next steps are with this guy...I guess we'll see, and I'll keep you posted. But, I think I am excited, freaked out and possibly even a little bloated.

And in the middle of my instant message conversation last night...I got ANOTHER email from another guy. Looked kinda cute...seemed fairly normal. And then he went there. And yes, I mean there. Here have a look.

Hi Julie,

I like the cool weather.. it will make for nice sleeping tonight. :)
Are you in your PJs for the night?

Cool Rider

Ok...bottomline, no screwing around...I think I am Michelle Pfieffer in Grease 2 singing Cool Rider. (I want no ordinary guy coming on strong with me....C-O-O-L
R-I-D-E-R)
That's the image I have of myself in my mind. Michelle Pfieffer. And depending on what day it is I may or may not be married to David E. Kelly. Meaning I have a screwed up sense of reality. No, not Leo DiCaprio stalker big ass can of crazy screwed up reality, but more like vivid imagination no double chin kinda reality.

I guess I don't see myself as I really am. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing. It can be tough to see yourself for who you really are...especially when you are a chubby single mom with a penchant for wearing t-shirts with sequins on your boozoombas. I mean, it's not like I thought that this is what I would grow up to be?
And, maybe it's why I am not trying very hard to meet Mr. Not So Annoying. Because when you have toothless 80 yr old bikers who live in the nursing home hitting on you...you don't want to think that maybe, just maybe you really are the kind of person that 80 yr old bikers REALLY, REALLY want changing their Depends.

Nowhere is a screwed up sense of reality any more prevalent than on the dating websites. Boy, oh boy....luckily I think I am Michelle Pfieffer. Some guys have gone completely in the WRONG direction...ain't no Grease 2 baby. Scary, scary, scary...like being Lindsay's parole officer.

So, I give you some poor unfortunate souls who think that they are all that....

Trust me - I'm da man! I can do things that will BLOW YOUR MIND! I'll have you begging for more. You'll be RUINED for any other man ...

Im a good looking man who takes care of himself, just looking for a friend to spend some quality time with

You will be please with me.I bet I can make you smile. I Could be the one you were looking for.

I would like to meet, get to know and be with a pretty, smart, goal oriented, responsible, sexy classy woman that likes pearls because girls like diamonds

A lot of people are also normally surprised of how quick their pets take to me.

about m self ,there lot to say about me but there is never enough to say about your self,but i am avery nice guy,quite i dont know what else say ,may be later on, I am male, straight, and singal

What I am. I am a regular guy. I prefer playing the fool. I'm a little geeky and a little freaky.

There is only so much you can say about yourself that people will actually believe. One man's opinion is another man's nightmare.

I'm an athletic, cute, crazy, sexy, cool kind of guy.

After many unsuccessful years of dating exclusively supermodels and members of Alaska's Agdaagux tribe, I've decided to broaden my horizons and open up my dating to the population at large.

AND...my favorite!!! An actual email to a fellow Mr. Not So Annoying seeker. This is what he wrote.

Hey my name's _____ and Im unemployed and living in my parents basement with my dog but I wanted to say hi.

So happily I will go on thinking that I look great in a Pink Satin jacket and that my Cool Rider will appear while I am bowling with my friends. And after he arrives...we will sing. I am fine with that...because whether I am seeking him out, or he shows up with a pair of rental shoes and a beer, Mr. Not So Annoying is out there and he might, just might be looking for his Michelle Pfieffer.