Not Even, If You Were the Last Woman on Earth

Put me in a room with 10 guys from all walks of life, all fairly similar in looks (boyishly cute with nice eyes) and all wearing Polo Sport, or maybe Drakkar (my favorite boy smells)...Wait, did you think I was going somewhere with this? I just want someone to put me in a room with 10 guys.

End of post. Good night.


Ok...fine...I have a point. Focus Julie...focus. Put me in the room with 10 guys, and I can guarantee that I will find the emotionally unavailable ones, and immediately fall for them. I am an emotionally unavailable man magnet. Or what I like to call an EMM. If the world is wiped out and I am the last woman on earth...the last man on earth will probably be emotionally unavailable. "Yeah, I would really like to continue the human race with you Julie, but I'm just in a different place right now...maybe we could just be friends...you're great though."

My psychotherapist says that emotionally available men are either married, gay or stalkers. We've turned this into the following EMM test...to be used during dates, random pickups at Lowe's and the occasional emergency evacuation at work. If the man has nicer clothes than I do, he is gay. If the man's clothes are clean and neatly pressed, he is married. If he is wearing no clothes...yes, you guessed it Stalker!!!

I met a fireman online at POF(plenty of fish). And pun intended, the fireman is SMOKING HOT. He sent me a gym picture...and my, oh my...were his guns blazing. He has a giant tribal tattoo on his arm...which makes me all tribal thinking about it. I love a man in uniform, and put him in front of a firetruck...hose me down. Seriously, hose me down. Please. Anyway...he's not the most talkative guy, or that great with technology. But, that's ok...he's really, really nice to look at. Occasionally he sends me a random text that says "want to see you". It's caveman like...and I am ok with that.

We actually haven't met in person, but have exchanged emails, texts and a couple of glorious photos. His pics...and yes, he has seen me. And thinks I am hot...well, so he says. Again, I am ok with this. So, the other night when I get a request from his gmail address to chat via my yahoo account...I didn't think much about it. But, then the following email exchange occurred. Let's see if you can guess where this is going...or went.

Me: Hey ****...this is my gmail account if you want to chat sometime. Hope you had a good weekend. :) Julie

Him: i cant remember how we met. can you refresh my memory? when was the last time we saw each other?

Me:It's Julie from Pof...you sent a chat request to my yahoo account...so thought I would forward my gmail. Everything ok?

Him: what is pof?

Me: Ok, maybe there is a misunderstanding...

Him: you didn't tell me, when did we last see each other?



So...my take on the conversation, albeit very short conversation, was that the person on the other end was not the fireman. My best guess is probably a wife or girlfriend...which makes sense because I am an EMM. I haven't had any other contact with the fireman or his wife...but I am hoping this still works out(think crazy ex, hacking into his email account because she can't let go of him and his tribal tattoo), because there are about 15 women at work who are living vicariously through me on this one. And don't want to let them down...really, it's all for them.

100% Real Romper Room Fun

My love life is insane right now...and it's not really so much a love life as it is like the Romper Room of dating. You know how on Romper Room she used to hold up that mirror and say all the names...well, it's kind of like that. I'm currently talking to/and or going out with 9 guys. Yeah, yeah...I know...9 is a little excessive...and you would be right. Especially since I can only remember all of their names after having two beers...but forget them all if I have three...and I can't really remember what any of them look like. I need that damn mirror. In my mind they all sort of swirl together...brown hair, brown eyes...yada,yada, yada...I got nothing.

I'm even starting to get doubles on names...so I am just assigning them a number. Wow...I sound like a bitch. A smart man once told me that the longer I spent online dating the more that I would lose my soul...that was slightly paraphrased...but sentiment is still the same. This online thing is turning me into a dating robot, cynical and jaded...and devoid (oh, yeah...I used it) of any emotions. It all so formulaic and boring. I tell the same stories, ask the same questions, make the same jokes...yawn. When I do actually run into a guy that doesn't use "how r u?" as a pick up line...I immediately assume he is looking to get laid.(see previous post on pants)

Of the nice guys I am currently talking to...I like one. We have hung out twice...like him and he seems like an actual real person.Would sleep with another one, who is not necessarily the one that I like, but then again...now that I think about it...and have 3 dates this week...of which I will probably only go through with one. Oh, wait...make that 4.

What's the point really? To not be lonely? To fulfill my narcissistic needs? I thought it was to find love...but I'm not even sure anymore. Again, a smart man told me not to settle just because I am lonely...of course he told me this in the middle of breaking my heart(lord, I am so dramatic)...which is not sexy, mysterious or even healthy for me to admit...and also makes him not really that smart...but I am saving that story for the made for TV movie starring Justine Bateman. Here is an excerpt of an instant message from a guy earlier this evening...

Him: Hope u had a great day
Me: I did...thanks. How about you?
Him:Not bad
Me: Do anything fun?
Him: If laying in bed nude and watching football is fun.

Ok..so really??? This is where this guy goes after chatting for 5 minutes? Based on this conversation and the endless other conversations I have been having both online and in person I have come up with the following statistics. Now, granted this is Plenty of Fish...which my psychotherapist calls "kind of like Baltic Avenue...low rent and east to get to". So quality isn't high..

1 out of 3 guys will ask for naked pictures within 5 minutes of chatting.
4 out of 5 guys will reference their anatomy within 3 minutes of chatting.
3 out of 5 guys project their self esteems issues through verbal questions. (ie. "I'm a chubby guy is that ok?" or "I am bald, is that ok?") Fyi...quotes are direct and real life.
2 out of 25 will actually make me laugh.
9 out of 10 will wear weird shoes.
1% will make me sing an Adele song in the car.
1 out of 4 can use "their" correctly in a sentence.
2 out of 25 will make me think.
99% are emotionally unavailable, the remaining 1% are secretly gay.
1 out of 10 have a secret significant other.
5 out of 7 think I am "hot".
7 out of 11 look better in their profile picture than in real life.
Approximately 75% have a "move" that is guaranteed to make me want them.
Approximately 10% are successful with said move.

Gotta love it! I will keep you posted how things go this week.

Don't Be A Hater

I hate to be full of myself...at least anymore than usual...but, I have men crawling all over me right now.  Not literally...although that could be a good time. I mean...I am getting some much deserved attention from the male species. It's amazing what happens when you lower your standards beyond the simple pre-requisites of good hygiene and some cash.

I mean, completely disregarding how any of these guys spell their own names, their favorite football team and the word cat in an email is easy...and I would like to reiterate, I mean how often am I actually going to have to communicate with any of them? So, no problem lowering my standards, right? I've not quite hit rock bottom...I still want them to have a pulse, and be able to breathe on their own.

But, I'm emailing a couple of guys right now, texting a few guys, instant message alot with this one guy and I have a date this weekend...not to mention the 5 or 6 construction workers who wave at me every morning as I drive by. I am on fire!!!!!! And its fun...oodles and oodles of fun.

I'm looking forward to the date...and am cautiously optimistic that this one doesn't turn out to be a douchebag. But, just in case he does....I have several backup options...including the greeter at wal-mart who told me yesterday when I stopped by that I "was the bomb". At least I think he said "the bomb" and not a "blob". My hearing isn't quite what it used to be.

Just in case, you are so jealous of my awesome dating life...here are some examples of recent emails and profiles. Enjoy..and don't hate me too much.


hello there gorgeous,
i would love to have to opportunity to chat with u sometime. i do travel a lot for work, but i am currently looking to meet someone new for dinner,adventure, and dating. how could i get a chance to chat with u. i truly hope to hear from u soon. i wish u the best of day, and be well
 
 I like to eat Krabby Patties and drink Kelp Shakes. My goal is to work Squidward and Spongebob to death and make lots of money. I also want to squish Plankton.
 
 hello i can h at home or at a hot tel will tr meet you right. i luv giving and geting space . can go ca. lets talk on the phone . so we both know what we like.wo w four mor e . sentances are needed.



lets have some fun. i need to find a fun woman. ask me and I will tell u a bout me. lets talk and have fun.lets party sometime!i like to hang out @ home with the rite womanbut



Currently looking for a pen pal, I am in a federal prison in Arizona



Hi LADIES :) I am currently incarcerated and looking for some lady friends :) Maybe we can write for now and then who knows
 

It's all about the Pants!!!

As I spend more time on the dating sites, I have noticed some common themes in the male profiles. I read about what they are looking for, who they are...but what I need to do is look past what they are typing and get to the heart of what they are really trying to say.

So, I have created the following online dating translator...now before I launch into what it all means...let me first provide my credentials for creating the translator.

I have been online dating for almost 18 months, and have successfully engaged in over a hundred email conversations, give or take a hundred and with more than one person...I am currently not in a relationship, however I expect that sometime in 2013 I may or may not be. Almost 100% of my dates acknowledge my presence at least 25% of the time, and I have been described as both amazing and a mad genius. I have utilized e-harmony, match.com, plentyoffish, chemistry, evow, zoosk and okcupid to patrol for "material" for this blog...and as a result can spot any new daters in the age range of 33-45 in a 30 mile radius of Palmyra.
Let's translate...shall we?

If the profile, or the dater says:

I'm an entrepreneur...it really means they are either unemployed or work at Burger King.

Looking to be friends first....means they just want to get in your pants.

Looking for a nice girl...again, means that they just want to get in your pants. But, they don't want anyone else in your pants either.

I am a simple guy...means I don't like to work too hard to get in your pants, and really just want someone to bring me wings and beer.

I like to have fun...I am going to want to get into your pants in a public place.

I'm honest and trustworthy...I get into alot of girls pants...but pretend like I haven't had pants in a while.

Ready to take it slow...I am not looking to get into your pants, but I want to chat about getting into them.

I have many interests...I am not picky about color or size of the pants.

One of the few good guys left...I will wait until the second, maybe third date before trying to get into your pants...and by date, I mean coffee.

So...it's must my translator, purely subjective...but, you know my credentials...and odds are I am right.

It's the End of the World As We Know It

So, yes...we had a earthquake. Hurricane expected to hit this weekend, and last night I watched the movie 2012. While this particular "end of the world" movie was certainly no Armageddon, or even that other one with Pierce Brosnan and the lava...all combined it made me think a little bit about my own mortality.

I tend to be a life is too short kind of person...I mean my shoe collection is based on that very principal. But, all of this gloom and doom can take it's toll on a girl. I decided that maybe I just need to settle for the first guy who is up for the challenge of spending time with me when I am not wearing makeup. I mean, who cares if he smells...that can be fixed. Who cares if he annoys me? I can drink more wine. Who cares if he can't spell the name of the town where he lives...everyone has a weakness. What really is so wrong with settling? I know I deserve the best...but if the world is going to end sooner rather than later, maybe I just need someone who breathes regularly and isn't a pedophile. It's not exactly the best....or even good, but it's something, right?

I may try this settling thing out...just to see how it goes. I have pulled together some potentials below...let me know what you think?


I am looking for an Easy A. You don't play mind games and don't have to work that hard. I am supposed to write about four sentences here but I just want to look at you. I have a background in photography, commercial art and architecture. I need someone that likes
what I like right away.

I am currently employed by the federal government that has me traveling constantly. So it makes it tough to meet ladies without getting in trouble in new unfamiliar areas

Always respect the pimp hand and remember pimpin' ain't easy!

just a santa claus looking for my ms claus so it will be christmas all year long.i love to dress up as santa every year for the resident .

Reindeer Games

Bet ur fun...this is the note I got from a guy online yesterday. While he may have already heard that yes, I am fun ( I mean I do have that billboard on Hwy 81)...this as a pick up line is about as effective as Congress.

So, I decided to play Reindeer games, just to see what kind of fun this guy was looking for online. Definition of Reindeer games: engaging in chatting, email or texting with the intent of flirting, with potential for sexual overtones. This is my definition...and before anyone gets the wrong idea...I wasn't going to actually get involved in full contact Reindeer games...I just wanted to see where it would go. Call this an experiment. So, I said: "As a matter of fact, I am fun." To which he responded..."mmmm...sounds good .I like fun. " EW!!!! I feel the need wash from head to toe, just from that note. I mean it's not that bad, but still gross. I just placed an order for a case of hand sanitizer...but is it still called "hand sanitizer" if you don't use it on your hands? Just a thought?

It's interesting because I also got an email from another guy this week telling me that if I was interested in FWB (friends with benefits), that I should give him a shout. First problem with his email was, well...all of the words. Second, no picture. I mean really? Come on, if you are soliciting women for FWB...you need to sell the goods. Not to mention the fact that apparently he was negotiable on the "friends" part.

Don't get me wrong...I don't meet only losers online. I actually have had several really positive experiences...that never make it to the blog. I don't like to write about the ones I actually might want to be friends with...only the creeps.

For instance...my texting while driving psychotherapist, I met online on Match. He earns this name for some obvious reasons...and for being able to sum up my personality and all it's quirks pretty thoroughly. Believe it or not...he used to give me topics for emails conversations such as "Kermit the Frog: Was his decision to leave Sesame Street voluntary or Involuntary". Funny, funny stuff...we are friends now. He just happens to be emotionally unavailable with a complex subplot. That's ok...because now I have a smart ass friend who offers to bust up my bad dates and occasionally makes me laugh so hard I wet myself like a kool-aid drinking 2 year old. And I amuse him...sort of like a squeekie toy.

I do seem to have a knack for finding complex guys, similar to Vicki Vale and Batman's relationship...but that is a blog for another time.

Profiles of the week:
Warning: Some are R rated.

big flirt I love to kiss and touch lol couple of drinks and dinner then go from there .
If you are honest and fun and like to flirt lets meet , someone is funny sexy big chest lol well any size is fine , I like to laught and have fun in alot of ways . I hate to type I am better in person, so lets ]just get together and meet then go from there , what else do i need to say i am cute

Ball and chain removed, seeking new one

If your boobs have come untucked,
If you're making a face like a duck,
If you own a pair of skinny jeans,
Then I think you're out of luck

hi ever1 well lets start off what i do for fun i love to jump on my bike and take i road i never took before just to see where it leads me stopped in one of them small towns where ever1 knows ever1 an

Needs a good peice of p***y.

i like to play basketball and wiffe ball and football and i watch ufc and fanstany factory and ufc and like to movies and to bars and go dancing when i can i want to get married and i dont want to have kids at all i rock and rap and dancing

Ok...So after being on here for a while now, I am able to make an assessment of my experience.
Fuk you, Fuk you, Fuk you, You're Cool, Fuk you, and........Fuk you.

Speed Dating-Part 2 or Why I love Pudding

When we last met with our blonde and adorably prudish heroine...she was discussing Freud during the adult version of Ice Breakers 101 at Speed Dating. So...after discussing Freud, complete with someone making a daddy joke...we moved onto another table of men.

This table was interested in knowing what the weirdest food anyone had ever eaten. Now...you can't get a bunch of horny adults together, mention food and not get some some crude and rude remarks. I believe if I remember correctly that rocky mountain oysters took the conversation to a whole new level.
This seems like a good time to introduce another one of the merry cast of characters..."B". Now, "B" had been at the bar since 4 pm drinking and proudly bellowed to us all that he worked for the Department of Corrections...and that yes, he had been in jail. Not sure why typing rocky mountain oysters reminded me of "B"...but I decided to go with it.

At the next table we run into Steve. I can't actually remember Steve's name, but he reminded me of Steve Urkel so now his name is Steve. Steve's big line of the night was to discuss the timeline of the road construction in Hershey. Woooo hooo.....nothing is more attractive than discussing traffic, hardhats and bulldozers. Who am I to judge? Not like I whipped out any thought provoking lines, other than I capitalizing on my candy job.

The interesting thing about this whole experience was that I wasn't even nervous, or uptight about the evening. Which is so unlike me...but in all honesty I had spent the previous week alternating between all sorts of emotions about my love life...and speed dating was playing second in my mind...let's find out what I was really thinking about...shall we?

I had met a "nice" guy online...or at least I thought he was nice. He said all of the things that I wanted to hear...I had a nice smile, he thought I was pretty and that it was really cool that I was into baseball. He thought I rocked. Who doesn't want to hear that!!! Plus, he seemed real...he sent me texts from a baseball game, he wanted to know about my day...it all seemed like it was heading in a good direction. He acted like he liked me...so I went with it.

We made plans to go out...then the phone calls started. He called me a couple of times at night for a couple of hours...and it was fun to talk to him. I got caught up in being pursued....
The day of our date arrived...and my collective group of female friends has discussed, planned and approved my wardrobe choices, hairstyle and underwear choices. Long story short...yeah, I know I am skimping on details...date was great, we hung out again...and bada boom, bada bing...haven't heard from him since. WTF?

Evidence shows that he might be a serial online dater. Usually I am pretty good at scoping these guys out, but as I have said...I got caught up in being pursued.
One of the things that I have forgotten about this online dating process, or any dating process is that it is all a game. As much as I hate playing personal life games, there is no way to avoid it. And just like in strip Monopoly...oh, wait I mean just regular Monopoly...you want to win the game.

But, I am not upset about how the things with the "nice guy-who's not so nice" turned out, or even upset about how speed dating went. (still owe you another story...and it is good!!!)I am just trying to figure it all out. Recently a friend told me that I don't need a nice guy, but I really need an honest guy who is not so nice. I might hold to him to that...but in the mean time I'm just going with the flow.. And if that doesn't work, Florida is full of 75 year old retired military guys who love blondes. I bet they wouldn't disappear...unless it was to refill the Viagra prescription...but I am not sure I can live on social security and eat pudding all day. Hmmm.....maybe the pudding is ok.